But then, soon, after our second daughter, he began to change. Looking back it seems so calculated and slow and manipulative. It started with money, how much he controlled it all. If I wanted something, even if it was food/family related, I had to really beg for it and then he'd always make me feel bad about it after. But if he wanted something (like a motorcycle), it was "well I make the money..". I fought that battle a lot at first, but somewhere along the cut downs and his tantrums, I gave up. Every grocery list I give him, Im holding my breath to see if he okays it. Im not allowed to drive up the road (we live 25 miles away from town) unless its something specific (like a doctors appt), so he does all the shopping..If I went into the mental games he plays with this, it would take me hours. One day it's "if you want to do something, then do it". When I say ok I want to go do this it's "fuck no you lazy bitch, why should I let you spend my hard earned money?"
It has gotten so bad, he calls me names, he says I'm a waste of human life, a horrible mother (which I know is wrong, I'm a great mother), says I could never survive on my own because I'm too ignorant, I'm lazy (that's funny because I'm on my feet constantly), I have no ambition, cunt, bitch, etc..Lately he has been throwing threats out. Like we were going to some stupid obligated dinner party and I couldn't get the GPS to pull back up right and we were coming up on a turn and he yelled "can't you do anything right you stupid bitch! God, I could just kill you and dump your body right here in the city!" or when we went to go sign my daughter up for dance today..
We'd been talking about it for months. We went in, my mom had the girls at home. We signed up and when we got out, he went off about the price. About how even when there isn't class for holidays, it's still $X per month. He was yelling at me and I just kind of came back with a "we were signing her up no matter what right?! so what does it matter?" He came back with "if you fucking yell at me like that again I will back hand you into the window!" He threatens to kick me out if "his" house all the time..
I have no clue what to do. I'm to be civil, I'm trying to stay put together. Nobody knows about this side of him, would much less believe it because he acts like the perfect angel, even in front of the girls). I suffered PPD when I had my second and am still on anxiety medication (I think mostly because of him). So if I left him, what little we have would be split and our daughters would fall into 2 different shitty homes. I don't know how I'd find a good enough paying job and then they'd be stuck in day care I can't afford...I don't want them to lose their home, their family..and then there's custody. I can't fathom leaving them with him, ever. I have no proof he's emotionally and verbally abusivde, but he has proof that I'm "mentally ill" and has said he'll use it against me.
I feel like suffocating and I'm just a shell..Sometimes he does have me convinced that I'm so horrible I deserve it. I just don't know..
Thats why, if he died tomorrow, I wouldn't shed a tear...