Well my kid has been a terror all day, very self-involved and rude and ME ME ME which I guess is "normal" for 5 but not normal for her. I guess she's bored bc we're usually out during the day, and of course she knows I'm sick which affects her emotionally and therefore behaviorally.
Well she's whining at me to show her how to play some game (which I've been doing with various games all day, half-cheerfully) and I told her she had to give me a minute bc of my lungs. She continued to whine and whine and made some snarky comment that equated to her life not being fair, and I just snapped and said if she had a problem with her life then she could march her ass right out of here. She asked if I wanted her to leave my room and I said no, the house. She asked what I meant and I said I'll pack you some clothes and you can walk along the road till someone picks you up who will take you in.
Well she got really quiet for a minute, and I worked on trying to take whole breaths, and then I realized she was crying. I didn't expect her to take me so seriously, but I do admit that I was going for shock value. I was just so frustrated...I've since told her I was just angry and didn't mean it even a little bit, that I would never mean it and have or would never think about meaning it. We're having an enjoyable evening now, but I feel like shit. How can I teach her to choose her words carefully to avoid leaving scars, let alone hurting people, when I abused them myself and used them to purposely hurt my own kid? I have a feeling she will always remember this incident.