Whenever I am with my mom. Sometimes I feel like she envies me if attention is off of her for a second and on me. It is so hard for me to say why I feel this, but I have to force myself to be brave because I am a soldier. I have to be tough to defend the defenseless because I used to be defenseless as a child. And feeling that, is scary.
I confronted my mom as an adult before I deployed to Afghanistan on my childhood abuse. I used to be seasoned to tuck my tail and run. I didn't know what was going to happen to me while I was there. Was I going to die? So I said "No more!" If I can go to a place where I have no clue what I will see and do, I should be able to tell her what I felt.
So I did.
We have a relationship and all but does she even want me to do well for myself? I feel that I have been blind my whole life. And now that I see, I feel ashamed of how I let her manipulate me for so long. I can't explain everything that I have been through. I know I need to get my thoughts out there so I can sleep.
Ask me anything. It may help me heal and do well and motivate me.
on Sep. 17, 2013 at 5:23 PM