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I am the one who made today's featured post. "Over 40 pregnancy" This is my story. (Long)

Posted by on Sep. 17, 2013 at 8:47 PM
  • 214 Replies
14 moms liked this

Edit~ I had had a lot of replies asking me if I'd consider a surrogate.

I really never considered it. To be honest I don't know much about it except that I believe you use your own eggs and mine are not so good. Only 1 out of every 18 are good.

We are at a point were it's all or nothing I guess.

I never expected that post to blow up like it did and yes I have read every reply. I thank all those that have replied. 

I decided to come clean and tell my story to whomever wanted to read it.

I wrote this back in Dec in the TTC group. I will add my current status in green at the end.

I have had some people send me messages asking why I am TTC so late in life. Some have been nice some not so much but that's ok. I totally understand. 

I am an open book and am glad to answer all questions. I thought I would write a post about me and why for those who want to know.

I have two children, My DS age 22 and my DD age 15. They both have different fathers.

At age 21 I was working in a bar in a not so great part of town. One night after work I was shoved into a car taken out to the desert. Hog tied, raped and left there.

I made my way to a road and was rescued. Luckily not badly injured but of coarse scarred for life. Two weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. The doctor immediately told me she performed abortions and she would schedule me one. I was shocked and surprised that she assumed that's what I wanted. I angrily said no and she said "it will be real hard to find a husband if you have a child." Well, that was enough for me I was outta there.

I knew I wanted to keep my baby. In my head I thought maybe it was God helping me turn a negative into a positive.

It was rough being single and pregnant and then raising a baby on my own but If I had to go back and make the same decision. I would. My son is the light of my life and we have a special bond.

When my son had just turned 1 I was starting to slowly trust men again. I met a guy who was smart good looking and seemed to have it all together. We started dating exclusively but he would always kind of keep his distance. Saying he didn't know what he wanted. 

I took what I could get from him which seemed like a relationship. We didn't see other people but he never called me his girlfriend. 

After 7 years and many times of leaving him and getting back together with him I conceived my daughter. 

We hadn't been "together" for about a year but his mother had passed and during the sadness and comforting we had sex once. That's all it took....again.

He wanted me to give the baby up for adoption. I went to a adoption counselor but by the second visit she knew as well as I did that I was not giving up my baby.

I spent another pregnancy alone. He was so ashamed and guilt ridden about getting me pregnant out of wedlock that he kept me hidden from friends and family.

He said he didn't want to be in the delivery room with me because "he didn't want to take that away from his future wife." That felt like a puch to the gut. It destroyed me.

The day I had the baby his business partner had been calling him all day. When he finally answered the phone his partner asked him where he was. He said "Tracy had a baby" The guy said "who's?" He said "mine". Well, needless to say that was a shock for all who knew him.

I had my DD and she is my angel. Her father and I "dated" for a couple more years off and on but that eventually ended. We have been co parenting ever since.

(This story about DDs father can get really long. There is a 20 year history there. So I"ll stop here.) I will add that I have spent that last 20 years of him belittling me and making me feel worthless. I put up with it because I basically had no self esteem.

Through the years I longed to have a pregnancy and a child with someone who loved me. All I ever wanted in life was to be a wife and mother to at least 4 children.

9 years ago I met my now DH. He was the most kind, gentle, giving, loving soul I had ever met.  

I was his first and only girlfriend. His first love. Even his first kiss. I however had been around the block several times. Because of this I was hesitant to stay in a relationship with him. I broke up with him and broke his heart several times. I wanted him to have someone better than me. Someone worthy of him Someone that could give him his own family.

He stuck by me never letting go. One night a couple of years ago I was a crying mess. I asked him why he loved me when I was so messed up? He said "I know God put me on this earth to love and take care of you and your children." I knew right then and there I needed to get help for my depression and learn to love myself so I could give him what he had given me. 

Soon after that we started talking marriage. I really wanted too but was hesitant because of my DD. I had confused her by my off and on relationship with DH and she hated the thought of us getting married and all living together. She was so used to just me her and DS for all these years. 

Back when DH and I first started talking marriage I wanted to get pregnant immediately. I knew my clock was ticking. We tried for 3 months but then DH wanted to stop. He wanted to wait until we were married. 

So here we are. Finally married and TTC. I'm 43 and DH is 39. Honestly I think he wants this more than me now.

Don't get me wrong. I want to have a baby with him so badly. I just wish it was 10, 8 even 5 years ago. I am scared to death of everything associated with having a child at my age.

Well there is is. My last 20 years. If you have read this far you must be curious or really bored. LOL Either way if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Fast forward to today. We have taken fertility meds and have had 3 failed IUIs. I have thought about stopping TTC a few times which brought DH tears. I promised him I would try until I couldn't anymore.

My children are much older and DH and I didn't live together until we were married 1/1/2 years ago.

DH didn't get to bond with them. I want him to have a child of his own so badly it hurts. as does he. I have tried talking to him about donor eggs but he insists the baby be both of us or nothing. I plan on talking to him about it again tonight.

Right now we are deciding on IVF but my chances of pregnancy with IVF stand at 5% and without less than 1%

Just to be clear if this thread gets ugly I will be deleting it. As it is I doubt anyone will want to read the whole thing through and it will get lost in the masses.

I am open for questions.  Will most likely ignore any bashing.

Thanks for "listening."

by on Sep. 17, 2013 at 8:47 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Anonymous 1 on Sep. 17, 2013 at 8:52 PM
1 mom liked this
Bump for later when I have time to read this.
by Silver Member on Sep. 17, 2013 at 8:52 PM
5 moms liked this
Wow, that's amazing - best of luck to you!
by Platinum Member on Sep. 17, 2013 at 8:52 PM
1 mom liked this

Best of luck to you!

by Anonymous 2 on Sep. 17, 2013 at 9:02 PM
1 mom liked this
Good luck to you! I wish I could give you my eggs. I'm young but infertile due to blocked tubes and can't afford ivf.
by Silver Member on Sep. 17, 2013 at 9:05 PM
4 moms liked this
Congrats on your happy marriage and sticky baby dust to you!
by on Sep. 17, 2013 at 9:05 PM
1 mom liked this
Good luck1 are you using fertility drugs and triggers with your iuis?
by Platinum Member on Sep. 17, 2013 at 9:06 PM
2 moms liked this
Is using a surrogate a possibility?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Sep. 17, 2013 at 9:06 PM
1 mom liked this
I knew the anon poster was you. :) I really do wish you the best. Now, off to read your full story.
by Platinum Member on Sep. 17, 2013 at 9:07 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you. Have you thought about finacing IVF?

Quoting Anonymous:

Good luck to you! I wish I could give you my eggs. I'm young but infertile due to blocked tubes and can't afford ivf.

by Anonymous 3 on Sep. 17, 2013 at 9:07 PM
6 moms liked this

Thank you for sharing your story. Best of luck to you and your husband. It sounds like your husband will be an amazing father and clearly you are a great mother.  IMO using donor eggs, the baby is still both of you. It will be your blood running through that baby's veins. Especially after the birth, your husband will never believe that he was ever hesitant about using donor eggs. You two  deserve the chance to bond with and raise a baby together.

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