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Wanting my ex suddenly but he is engaged and my SO is wonderful... (Long, be kind, please no bashing)

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
Please forgive spelling i am mobile.

Maybe it's the depression and anxiety I am currently dealing with (I am on meds for it) I don't know. When I was 17 I met my ex, he was 32. We were in an on again off again relationship for 4 years. He had 4 kids from two previous relationships, all girls. He was newly divorced. I loved him with all my heart but our relationship was bad, I was young and immature and he was immature and in a bad spot in his life. I was miserable and we fought constantly. He was a good guy with a good heart just not relationship material at that point. We broke up but remained best friends. I truly wanted him to be happy.

When I was 24 I showed up on his doorstep, pregnant, homeless etc. my fiancé cheated on me two nights after we conceived ds. I wanted to try and work it out with ds bio dad but his bio dad kept lying and contacting the girl he cheated on me with so I broke it off with him. My ex lived in Saskatchewan where his 3 youngest daughters lived and his ex wife.

After a month of staying with him another friend came and got me and brought me back to my home town in Alberta. She gave me a place to stay and got me a job where she worked. My first day there I set eyes on my current SO. I liked him right away but I was pregnant and he was in a relationship. I worked hard at a life for me and ds.

When ds was 1 i wound up dating my current SO for a month. i fell for him hard but it ended badly. a month later my ex moved here. I was relieved because for most of 7 years we were together as friends or a couple and I really missed him. I am pretty sure he moved here for me and that he was hoping to make a life with my ds and me. It was never spoken but I knew him really well. He started to get his life together, pay his child support off etc.

At that point he smoked, he drank, he did pot, he was still unreliable. It was not a relationship I wanted for my son. We remained good friends but for awhile that was it. A few months after moving here we went to my work Christmas party and wound up having sex. To me it was casual. I didn't think much of it because I had been open and honest about where we stood.

In may my current SO and I got back together. I wasn't sure it was going to last this time we were on such bad terms after dating the first time that we didn't talk or look at each other for 10 months. I didn't tell my ex i knew it was a sensitive topic and didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing. I was invited to a wedding the beginning of July for a high school friend. I promised to go. My ex was invited to a different wedding same day for a childhood friend of his. He asked me to go with him but I declined. I was dating someone else, had a previous commitment, it was not the good choice to make.

A couple weeks later my ex and I were working together for our local fair (I was on paid holiday from my regular job looking to make extra cash and my ex travelled with the fair and worked here where I live in the winter seasonally driving snow plow. We met travelling with fair) so he pulls me aside one night and tells me look i want you to hear this from me I am leaving early tonight to go on a date with a girl I met at my friends wedding. I said that's great I have been seeing someone too! I was happy for him.

So this new gf of his was fine with our friendship, until she found out that 9 years earlier we had dated. She demanded he cut off all contact. I refuse to deliver ultimatums like that so I told him I wanted him to be happy and do what he needed to do.

Well SO and I thrived we have a solid relationship. He is an upstanding guy, no drinking or drug issues and very dependable. My ex and this girl had an on again off again relationship. When they were together he wouldn't call me, when they broke up he would hang around until they got back together. They had relationship issues for all the same reasons we had.

A year ago my ex came to my house, he said he quit drinking and quit smoking for her. He rarely ever smoked weed anymore and that she wanted to get married etc. they had been broken up all summer but had just started talking again. He told me he was going to ask her to marry him. I said please think well about this decision. Before you spend money on a ring maybe see if you can go a whole year without breaking up. He said it was too late and that he bought the ring and asked her parents permission, that she is his age and this would be what he wants. I wished him luck and all the happiness in the world.

My SO and I don't live together. We have kept our kids out of our relationship for their sake should it not work out. We have been solid for 3.5 years. I'm ready to move forward move in together get married. SO is not. He is far from it actually. I'm trying to be patient but I am not getting any younger.

Now the point of this post, if you are still with me, last night I dreamt about my ex. I dreamt about the good times and we had some really good ones. I woke up absolutely yearning for him. I mean really wanting him. To hold me and hug me and just be there. It's been a rough summer, my SO has been very stand up about it. Mental health issues, work issues, other health issues. But he was too sick to come over last night and well I understand and am not mad I am disappointed. He hasn't text me all day.

Maybe that's why I am suddenly so upset and missing my ex. I worked hard to make smart decisions for my kid and I never regretted deciding not to be with my ex because of who he was. I always strongly wished true happiness for him regardless if I suffered. So why now am I mad I wasn't at that wedding with him? I know I made the right choice and I am sure my emotions are screwy thanks to the health issues, stress and various meds I am on, but I just can't shake how upset I am that he can't come over and give me hugs and make me laugh like he did for 11 years of my life. I mean when we broke up I was shattered. I lost 40 pounds because I was too upset to eat or physically got ill if I saw him with any other female. But, it was his shoulder I cried on about it. He comforted me despite the fact we broke up and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I don't know if I want him like romantically, but its been a rough summer and I want his comfort. I am confused because you would think SO would be who I want but since this morning I want my ex. That damn dream.

I don't know, this is really long. I'm just lost right now. I feel guilty for my SO because he is a good man. I want my ex, my teddy bear as I fondly call him. His name is Ted. I miss him and I'm mad that his fiancé pushed me out. I had no interest in him like that, we were friends, best friends. I wished all day that I had agreed to go to that wedding with him. I feel like I'm a terrible person.
Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 22, 2013 at 11:18 PM
Replies (31-40):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Sep. 22, 2013 at 11:44 PM
I don't need a man. I live on my own and went my whole pregnancy and first year of ds life without one and then the 10 months between SO and I breaking up. I want my friend. The one who knows me to my core because I am struggling right now.


Quoting Anonymous:

WOW...................all I can say is you are needy.  You think you NEED a man SO bad you do this to yourself.

Why don't you forget about any man for a time, GO TO SCHOOL for something in the medical tech field, which is a GOOD field, decent pay, good benefits. 

WAIT FOR A NICE AND GOOD MAN.  Wow. You are only going to mess up your entire life even more by going after these idiot men with actually nothing more to offer you than a few sexy nights!!! NOT WORTH IT.


Bluerose1482
by Platinum Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 11:44 PM

He had alot of years to make the changes that he needed to make to be a good s/o for you and a good father figure for your son (and a good father to his own children).  He didn't.  If he made those changes because of this other woman, you should accept that she is what's best for him. 

Sorry that you are hurting right now.  You should focus on the great things about your so and on that relationship.   

kitty8199
by Ruby Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 11:44 PM
Her bf sounds like a good guy

Quoting Anonymous:

WOW...................all I can say is you are needy.  You think you NEED a man SO bad you do this to yourself.

Why don't you forget about any man for a time, GO TO SCHOOL for something in the medical tech field, which is a GOOD field, decent pay, good benefits. 

WAIT FOR A NICE AND GOOD MAN.  Wow. You are only going to mess up your entire life even more by going after these idiot men with actually nothing more to offer you than a few sexy nights!!! NOT WORTH IT.

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dblhlx
by Silver Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 11:45 PM
I actually understand how you feel. I've been with my dh for almost 5 years and married for half that time (on the exact 5 year dateversary lol) and sometimes I feel like I need to see my ex and get a hug and just TALK. It is overwhelming and unexpected and I feel like I'm just missing the connection that we had. Sometimes its easier to look at what might have been than to focus on the now, because the what might have beens are hopes and dreams. Anything could happen. In the now, there are only so many choices you can choose from if that makes any sense.
areles
by Platinum Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 11:47 PM


believe me, i've been there.  dreams like that can be very powerful, and you wake up from them viewing them as a sign, once again feeling all the things you felt back in the day to the point that it's overwhelming.  i totally, totally get it.  but here's where you have to force your sense of logic and pragmatism to overtake your weak, escapist emotions.  because honestly, honey, that's all it is.  you were upset with your SO before the dream, and your subconscious went to work in your sleep to fuck with you.  don't let it.

Quoting Anonymous:

Thank you. I know that the smart choice is to forget my ex but my emotions are overwhelming me. It was a very emotional dream I had and I woke up in this state. And I'm having emotional issues so I'm not dealing well with any emotions right now.


Quoting areles:

i'm sorry, i didn't read your whole post.  but based on what i did read:

i think you need to focus on the negative qualities of your ex, and of your prior relationship.  our brains have a way of airbrushing memories, particularly if we aren't particularly thrilled minute by minute with our current situation.  it's really easy to get yourself in a mental space wherein you're comparing the very worst of your present with the very best (often airbrushed) of your past, and you end up aching and longing for a fantasy trick your brain has played on you.

take your current SO out of your mental equation.  focus on the bad things about your past situation.  if you weren't dealing with the boring minutaie of your current guy, and merely had the reality of the old guy to focus on, would you still want him?

honestly, it sounds to me like your ex isn't a good guy for you.  whether or not your current guy is is not the point - the point is, under any circumstances, your ex isn't the one - if he had been, you'd still be with him.




Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Sep. 22, 2013 at 11:47 PM
That's the worst part I know it's for the best but because of my mental health issues my emotions are really strong and I can't keep them in check. I'm either numb or really feeling another feeling. There is no inbetween. Or slight emotion.


Quoting cali_gurl:

I agree with a lot of the ladies on here...too much drama with your ex. His current girlfriend was right to not want you two keeping in close contact, look what happened here! Either make things work with your SO or move on to something better. I think you and your ex are DONE. Sorry but I think it is for the best. :)


AnHpuresugar
by Ruby Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 11:48 PM
It was only a dream. You made your choices for a reason. I think a pp was right. It is human nature to focus on only the good things about the past. It didn't work out then and it probably wouldn't now.

Focus on the good things with your SO. 3.5 years together is not an accident. No one can be everything for you. Try to remember the things your SO does to be at peace with your choice.

This is a perception problem.
magicalpizza
by Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 11:50 PM

I read the whole post.  In my opinion(from experience), if you find yourself wondering what could be or what could have been, then the person you're currently with probably isn't the one for you.  That said, it doesn't sound like your ex is either. 

Think seriously about ending things with your current SO.  Use that time to find yourself and then play the field.  Don't settle, and make sure to stay away from human projects.  If they have emotional or substance abuse issues, end it immediately.

 Eventually you'll find someone so special you won't think about anyone else.

Bluerose1482
by Platinum Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 11:50 PM
I read it all. Honestly, it isn't like it took more than a couple of minutes. Much easier than having someone leave important stuff out and having then answer 10 follow up questions in the responses.
Quoting Anonymous:

Some people do. I know it's long, I left out as much as I could.


Quoting Anonymous:

Nobody's got time to read all that...


AnHpuresugar
by Ruby Member on Sep. 22, 2013 at 11:51 PM
Emotion isn't truth. You need to tell yourself that you are not emotionally in a good place and won't/can't make relationship decisions at this time.

When you are in a bad place, it is time to buckle down and work on you.


Quoting Anonymous:

That's the worst part I know it's for the best but because of my mental health issues my emotions are really strong and I can't keep them in check. I'm either numb or really feeling another feeling. There is no inbetween. Or slight emotion.




Quoting cali_gurl:

I agree with a lot of the ladies on here...too much drama with your ex. His current girlfriend was right to not want you two keeping in close contact, look what happened here! Either make things work with your SO or move on to something better. I think you and your ex are DONE. Sorry but I think it is for the best. :)



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