I recently wrote about the 10 moms no one wants to get stuck talking to. Yes, there are many of "Those Moms," but I'm speaking of one we all know, the "perfect mom." She's president of the PTA, she plans all the fundraisers. She bakes homemade goodies for bake sales. She has a position on every board. She recommends who should be room mom to all the teachers and you can pretty much call her for any bit of information. I like to joke that if you need anything changed, explained or rerouted you could call her and it would get done with meticulous speed and accuracy.
"Can you do something about the traffic on 95?" "How many reformers will they have at the new Pilates studio?" "Will I have to take a connecting flight on my trip to Utah?"
I also like to imagine that she walks around with a Tide Stain Stick, righting the wrongs of the slovenly.
As much as I would like to be involved in every facet of my child's life, I could never ever be that chick and here's why:
1. Perfect Mom is chipper and efficient 24/7
Her: By 6AM her coffee pot (which she set the night before) is half empty, she's already eaten and made a breakfast for her children that involves protein and food groups, and possibly a pan.
Me: I'm barely up in time for my children to make it to school without a mad rush to get out of the house. At some point I throw a bowl of cereal in their general vicinity and we call it healthy if it the name of said cereal doesn't have the word sugar in the title.
2. Perfect Mom actually has her memory in tact.
Her: She is a veritable Rolodex -- remembering the name of every mother, teacher, administrator and child she's ever met. And she addresses each one by name and throws out a timely personal reference. "Hey, Joey how's it having a new baby sister around the house?"
Me: There are times when I see someone I've known for a decade, but for the life of me, I cannot recall their name. I just stare blankly and stutter, give them the old "Hey honey," or I pretend someone's yelling for me and run away.
3. Perfect Mom is clean and tidy.
Her: She is always showered and never arrives to a meeting or carpool in her pajamas.
Me: There are days that I rush to carpool in PJs and realize I haven't brushed my teeth since the night before. (PS This example may include afternoon carpool).
4. Perfect Mom is always thinking about education.
Her: When her family plays games, they are always educational. Counting apples, forming words, sliding down things, critical thinking with clay...
Me: We have a Guitar Hero battle of the bands, we have actual Dance revolutions, and I'm pretty certain game night involved black jack, poker, and gin rummy by the time my kids were 4.
5. Perfect Mom never wishes she had a personal assistant.
Her: She answers every text, email, and phone message as they come in, with perfect precision.
Me: I show up at most child's birthday parties and may hear this "Oh, I wish you'd RSVP'd I hope we have enough goodie bags."
6. Perfect Mom makes sure her children don't watch inane or inappropriate programs.
Her: She shows her children specials on the National Geographic channel and takes them to age appropriate flicks.
Me: I consider the watching of Big Brother to be an educational family event that teaches socialization and negotiation tactics. At least that's what I tell my kids when I shush them while it's on. And I showed them Airplane and other awesome slapstick classics at 6 years old because I thought it'd be fun to quote lines with them (it is).
7. Perfect Mom thinks Martha Stewart could do better.
Her: Not only does she run the school sales and other events, she hand makes the items to sell there, then dips them in her chocolate fount and rolls them in sprinkles -- whether it's a bake sale or a book fair. Yes, even books taste good smothered in chocolate.
Me: If you ask me to donate something to a bake sale, not only will I not bake it, I may enlist another mother to pick it up from the store for me. "What Kelly, you have to run to the store? Could you grab some Entenmann's?"
8. Perfect Mom started in the womb.
Her: Her kids are prepared for every test, project and homework assignment as she has worked with them since birth to ensure they are learning at a grade level far beyond their years. (Plus, I'm pretty sure she does most the projects for them.)
Me: I sign my kid's homework agendas and reading logs based on the honor system. Even though I'm pretty sure one of them is still illiterate (but, it's OK because I'm not certain).
9. Perfect Mom is punctual.
Her: She is always the first one at any meeting, event, function, or party (usually setting up). She may have 17 kids and still not one of them seems to make her a second late.
Me: I'm late for ridiculous reasons like, my kids are busy fighting over who the dog loves more, or I spent 20 minutes looking for my phone (which was in my hand).
10. Perfect Mom may be a robot.
Her: I'm quite certain that like Martha Stewart and Ryan Seacrest, she is some sort of robot, alien or vampire (that doesn't shimmer or burn in daylight). Having 24 hours a day to accomplish things would make anyone seem like a super hero. Well, that and a continuously running chocolate fount.
Me: I am simply human, sometimes I don't have a minute to shower, some meals my kids don't get all the nutrients on the food pyramid, sometimes we watch pointless reality tv and boo when the wrong people get voted off, but I do my best and they're pretty awesome, so something's working.
Can you keep up with Perfect Mom?