Sunday night after my family went out to dinner, I needed to go into Wal-mart and pick a few items. The family stayed in the car while I was in the store for about 15 minutes. When I came back DH seemed irritated and I asked what was wrong. He told me that it was my DS(12 yrs old) and his smart mouth (My DS is his stepchild and we have 2 DD together). I was already ill with DH because of a minor disagreement at dinner so the ride home was pretty quiet. During the ride I got a strange feeling in my gut but couldnt quite put my finger on it. Once home me and both DD got out of the car and DH locked the doors w/DS still inside. I felt like something was wrong but I have been known to jump to conclusions before so I questioned my 7 yr old DD. I'm putting it in quotations but it is not word for word, I am just trying to relay how she said it happened. "Daddy told "DS" that he upgraded his motorcycle on the game they were playing on their phone. "DS" said good for you dude. Then Daddy grabbed him by his neck and slammed his head down on the thing between the front seats." I immediately felt sick and asked her if her brother deserved to get in trouble for that. She said no that daddy was mad for no reason. I went outside to address the situation but Dh & DS were walking inside with smiles on their faces so I figured maybe DD misunderstood. Fastforward to lastnight my sister is babysitting for me and I decide to take the opportunity to find out what happened according to DS when I called to check on them. He tells me almost exactly the same story except he stops at the part where DH grabbed him and said that he didnt want to say anymore. I knew people were around so I didnt question him anymore but I was completely sick the rest of the night at work. I began to think back to where DS had a bruise on his back that he claimed that DH did by kicking him. When I questioned DH he said that he didnt kick him, DS fell onto his workboot. Once DH left a bruise w/a belt so I asked him to not use one anymore (I do not like spankings but DHthinks otherwise). DS tells me about how DH put soap in a towel and smacked him bc it doesnt leave bruises. I asked Dh about it and he claims that he was just showing him a scene from a movie. Then when DH thinks DS is lying he twists up a towel & pops DS in the abdomen til he gets the truth out of him. Other times when DS is in trouble he just shoves him around til he falls to the ground. DS told me this happened but I thought he was exaggerating bc he has ADHD and the Dr. said that exageratted emotions is common with this condition.
I realized that DH is abusing my son. I was an hour away when this revalation happened. I decided to call my stepfather, who is more like my dad and talk to him. We decided to get my son alone and question him about the punishments he receives from DH. What he said was that DH choked him sunday night but then apologized when we got home and they were locked in the car. He(DH) admitted to him (ds) that he may need a Dr. DS says that sometimes he does push him, pick him up and slam him, name call, shove him when I am not around as punishment. He says he doesnt do it all the time but it does happen about once a wk. And the punishments are worse when I am not around. I asked him if he fears DH he said no but then asked me to not talk to DH about any of the stuff we talked about til he is gone.
I feel like a horrible mother, I know that what has happened to my boy is child abuse. I do not understand how it went on w/out me noticing. I know that DH has a way of turning words/situations around so that he is never at fault. My whole family has seen that but everyone else thinks he is so charming and funny. I have already been frustrated with his outlook on life and the major differences of our parenting styles. We seriously do not agree on anything. Im openminded, do lots of research on every decision in life and feel that my children deserve to feel important because they are. DH believes in a more traditional style of life and that his parents are 100% right on raising kids. Thats the way it is period. Children today are spoiled and made to believe they are more special than they really are. DH always seems to have a reason for whatever mark was left on my son and I was naive enough to believe it. I apologized to my son and promised that I will handle the situation so it wont happen again.
My problem Is HOW do I handle it? My son wants DH to go to counseling but then said that it probably wont work based on the past (I ask him to help around the house while I work but he gets the kids to do the work while he plays video games). DS said that he loves and admires DH other than these outbursts and even mimicks his funny personality. My 1st thought was to get DH out of my home but am I being irrational? I have to do something but I truly to not know where to begin.
If all u have to offer is redicule and judgment please do not comment. I am looking for real advice on how to respect my child and marriage. My son clearly loves DH who has raised him since he was 1 yr old but I will do whatever it takes to protect him. Whether that means seeking professional help or leaving DH altogether.
So when DH got home today i had his stuff packed excluding furniture. I had my father there for support even tho he did not say one word during the whole conversation. He later admitted he was tempted to but because I told him that I wanted to handle it myself, he held back. That is actually a big deal for my big redneck dad, so I know he must love me. DH left without a fight but he is now begging and pleadig to come back home. he promises his behaior will never happen again. Idk if I believe him so before I make any other decision i will be seeing a therapist.
Dh has been gone for almost 2 wks now. He visits every now and then bc the therapist did not think that he wold be a threat with supervised visits. I was unsure of a lot things when I made this post, I had never dealt with this kind of situation hence why I turned to my fellow CMers. Some of u were supportive, some of u were ugly, some of u just said what u think u would do in my situation. All of it was appreciated except the really nasty ladies that thought I "allowed" abuse to happen. I assure that I was unaware and it took my youngest daughter telling me about it for it to finally click. I already felt bad enough for being so blind, there was not need to kick me while I was down. Anyway, I spoke to my sons therapist and mine as well who said I did the right thing in asking him to leave our home. At the time all of this happened I truly felt that DH could be helped with therapy and patience. So although we havent been living together, we still do family things together. I wish he did those things before our relationship came to this but it is still a good start! Probkem is that a few months ago I mentioned to him that our relationship seemed one sided and that he wasnt putting in any effort. He did confess that he had not put in hardly any effort in 5 yrs! This hurt me so badly since I had been busting my rear trying to be the perfect wife. After he revealed this information to me I found that I lost a lot of respect for him and even worse I realized that he is not the kind of role model I want for my children. I am not a mean person and I put up with a lot! But I am gonna speak to my therapist tomorrow about divorce. i am not a quitter ad I have endured his physical abuse for many years. It was ok as long as it was limited to me but now that my child has been a victim of his anger and rage, this changes things entirely. I have had a very hard time and I am trying ti be a good mother. The last thing I want is for my bot r think he doesnt matter when in fact he the most important reason for everything I am doing.
Judge all u want, I am a good mother and just bc I trusted my life parner does not make me a bad person. My family, therapist, and husband has been very supportive in whatever decison I make. i had the boy at 17, i didnt know what I was doing but I sure as hell tried to do what was wrigh