So after a few hectic months and not feeling emotionally myself (well let's face it I haven't felt emotionally myself in the past year) I finally decided to make an appt with a psychologist. I go on Monday.
I'm nervous because, when I was 17, while in rehab I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I got into treatment, I was taking my medications they prescribed me, and after a few months I felt a lot more in control of my emotions.
After I turned 18, I lost my health insurance. I couldn't go see a therapist, and I couldn't get prescribed my meds anymore. I felt "fine" for a while and then I started abusing drugs and drinking all the time.
I quit using after I turned 19. I got a good job, got my life together. I still wasn't seeing anybody or taking medication, but everything was managable for the most part. When I was 22 I had a nervous breakdown. I didn't get any treatment, I just kept on trucking until things started feeling normal again. And once again I was "okay."
Then for I say this past year, my emotions have been all over the place. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring about my job, (one I have been at for the past five years), I fight with my DH all the god damn time. I don't sleep anymore. And then sometimes, I sleep ALL day. I feel bad for my DH sometimes, to have to be with a woman who's sweet as pie one minute and then the next tries to bite his head off.
My grandpa died a few weeks ago. I was very close to him. He was the one who took me when I was younger to get help and I miss him terribly every single day. My heart is broken by his passing. The depression has hit me hard. A lot harder than I could ever imagine. The day he died, I drank a fifth of tequelia to myself. I dont want to go to work because of the anxiety ( I still go to work ladies so its not like I am dodging out of my responsibilities.)
I'm nervous about my appointment. There is a lot of stigma when it comes to mental illness. I feel like a failure because I can't control what is going on with me. Has anyone else felt like this? I know I need the help. I know I need to do this for myself.
Has anyone else gotten treatment for this? Does it get better?