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What do you do when you don't like your child? *Info added.

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

**I really appreciate all of the advice that you ladies are giving. I wanted to clarify the food issue, since many moms have commented on it. I do not force my kids to clear their plates or eat things they do not enjoy. He was lying about the food on his plate because he wanted to get ice cream after dinner. He knows that he doesn't have to eat everything, but in my house, if you want dessert after dinner, you do need to eat a reasonable portion of your actual dinner. Also, just to save some of you the effort of typing how normal it is for kids to lie... I know this. I have worked with children since I was old enough to work, it is what I do for a living. I know that kids lie, tell stories, embellish, etc. However, the frequency in which he lies and the things he lies about is not normal. The degree of how deceitful he tries to be is not typical, and the fact that you cannot reason with him and how he doesn't respond to punishment is not normal. He's 7, not 2.**

I love my son to death, believe me, I do. His personality really leaves something to be desired, though.

DS7 isn't a *bad* kid. He doesn't intentially hurt people or lash out, break things or anything like that. But he is becoming extremely deceitful. The day before yesterday, he had some potatoes on his plate. I split them up, telling him he had to eat one of the portions if he wanted dessert. Instead, he pushed them back together and said "I ate it!". I knew he was trying to trick me, so I gave him one more chance to actually eat it (it was about 2 or 3 bites), and he tried to lie to me again, so he went straight to bed. Last night, the same thing with green beans. Instead, he threw about half of them away in the garbage can in my bathroom, instead of the kitchen, so that I wouldn't see. He's a terrible liar so I knew right away... I found the discarded ones and then sent him to bed.

He is always doing shit like this, trying to be deceitful. Not just with dinner, but in general. I honestly cannot believe a word out of his mouth because he lies so damned much, and I hate that. I don't want to assume that when he tells me about his day at school that he is lying, but I have to because he usually does! He'll tell me whole stories about how they went on a field trip, but they didn't go anywhere. And when I ask him why he is making up stories, he still tries to pass it off like a truth. You can't reason with him. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows he is lying, but then he'll go and do something intentionally deceitful so I know he knows what he is doing.

I don't let him get away with lying, but he does it anyway. He doesn't care about being punished. Both of his brothers are so respectful - I don't know why he acts this way. I'm struggling to determine if maybe he has some sort of disorder (he has other learning disabilities as well), or if he is just that kind of person.

I love him, love him, love him. But at the same time, I hate being lied to, it's my biggest pet peeve. 

Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:48 AM
Replies (11-20):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:11 AM

Is it normal for him to keep trying to lie once you've already called them out on it, though? I mean, he is insistent - here's how the green bean scenario went down:

Me: did you eat all your beans?

Him: yes (he looked real shifty-eyed about it).

Me: Are you sure? Am I going to find them in the garbage?

Him: No, I ate all of them!

Me: Are you positive? If you're lying to me, you need to tell me now or else you'll be in trouble.

Him: I ate all of them! You can check the KITCHEN garbage!

He will go on and on, and then when I finally walk him to the garbage can and show him the green beans, "well, I ate some of them!". 

Quoting Mamie_85:

 this, exactly. kids lie. it's an actual phase they go through. they either lie to get away with something, like at dinner. or it's a story telling lie, to make themselves sound more interesting or impressive. both are normal.

Quoting Not_A_Native:

He's a kid, kids lie.

First lay off about the dinner.  Quit making a big deal about it - food is food, either he eats or not, it is his decision.   The more you "force" him, the worse it will get.  It's not about the food, this is a power struggle between you and him.

For the day at school, "lead" the conversation. Don't make a huge deal out of the stories, just calmly tell him, "no, I know you didn't go on a field trip, why don't you tell me about lunch or recess or something else instead."  Big point - be CALM.  He's doing it to get attention!  Don't give in to that.

 


Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:14 AM
I would parent better.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:15 AM

I've tried that :( He'll tell me something and I will tell him that I don't believe him. He doesn't care.

He doesn't care how other people feel. I tell him it makes me sad when he lies to me, and he shrugs it off. I tell him that kids aren't going to want to be his friend if he lies. He tells me he doesn't need friends. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Dd ent through a phase if lieing. I knew sh was. I finally told her if you keep lieing I'm not ever going to believe you. And when she needs help I won't help because I won't believe her. And gave examples like if hungry .ir thirsty I won't think she is so I won't give her anything.
The a few times I told her I didn't believe her. She is an emotional kid so this devastated her. It stopped and she hasn't done it since.

Be creative. You have to play the game with him and out smart him


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:15 AM
1 mom liked this

Awesome advice, thanks for your help! 

Quoting Anonymous:

I would parent better.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:20 AM
Wow no empathy. That's really hard. Has he always been this way? Is the any punishment you have used in the past for anything les that has worked?


Quoting Anonymous:

I've tried that :( He'll tell me something and I will tell him that I don't believe him. He doesn't care.

He doesn't care how other people feel. I tell him it makes me sad when he lies to me, and he shrugs it off. I tell him that kids aren't going to want to be his friend if he lies. He tells me he doesn't need friends. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Dd ent through a phase if lieing. I knew sh was. I finally told her if you keep lieing I'm not ever going to believe you. And when she needs help I won't help because I won't believe her. And gave examples like if hungry .ir thirsty I won't think she is so I won't give her anything.

The a few times I told her I didn't believe her. She is an emotional kid so this devastated her. It stopped and she hasn't done it since.



Be creative. You have to play the game with him and out smart him



Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:21 AM
1 mom liked this

I think I understand what you mean- I have a 'nephew' by marriage with some issues and his 'behaviors' seemed to begin with this kind of lying. Huge, weird lies for no reason that if he were caught in he just kept going to try and get out of it. HIs mom ignored these lies and behaviors and he has turned into a chronic liar, a thief- cannot be trusted at all with anything- food, money, responsibility etc. and has some very disturbing elements to his personality.

I don't want to freak you out anymore than you already are but I would get him into a therapist- psychoanalyst asap and get to the bottom of it. It sounds way more serious than typical kid fibs or a power struggle over vegetables and he is s till young enough to benefit from some sort of intervention.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:24 AM

It is the worst part :( I see these other moms posting that it's normal for kids to lie... I know that... but it's not normal for them to not care about it, or your feelings, or anything else. He's hasn't always been this way, it's been maybe the past 2 or 3 years. The lieing is getting worse and worse, though. The only punishment that seems to work is exclusion - like, when we all go get ice cream, he doesn't get any. He doesn't like feeling left out. However, I don't like doing that because I don't like him to feel left out, I think that does a lot of long term harm. Also, it doesn't help for long, anyway... give him a day and then he's back to his old antics.

Quoting Anonymous:

Wow no empathy. That's really hard. Has he always been this way? Is the any punishment you have used in the past for anything les that has worked?


Quoting Anonymous:

I've tried that :( He'll tell me something and I will tell him that I don't believe him. He doesn't care.

He doesn't care how other people feel. I tell him it makes me sad when he lies to me, and he shrugs it off. I tell him that kids aren't going to want to be his friend if he lies. He tells me he doesn't need friends. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Dd ent through a phase if lieing. I knew sh was. I finally told her if you keep lieing I'm not ever going to believe you. And when she needs help I won't help because I won't believe her. And gave examples like if hungry .ir thirsty I won't think she is so I won't give her anything.

The a few times I told her I didn't believe her. She is an emotional kid so this devastated her. It stopped and she hasn't done it since.



Be creative. You have to play the game with him and out smart him




nerdymom28
by Ruby Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:26 AM
1 mom liked this

 I went through that phase when I was about 7. Lied about anything and everything. And it was basically an attention thing; I was being abused at home and I was very meek and felt powerless. Like nobody liked me, like I was worthless. So I started embellishing stories to my friends at school, to make myself sound cooler. I didn't like my life the way it is, so I talked about the way I wanted it to be.

Basically what I'm saying is that it's normal. Obviously my case was very different from what you're dealing with, as far as my reasons go. But the lying and the stretching the truth is pretty normal, my daughter is almost 7 and she's been doing it too. At that age they're really starting to come into their personality and their individuality, and they're just testing the waters.

I just ignore it. I tell DD "if you don't finish your dinner, that's fine. I don't care. But if you want dessert, you have to clean your plate. I'll leave it up to you" and I just let her figure it out. When she tells a story I just say "That's so silly. You know that didn't happen. So what really happened?" And she'll laugh and say "How do you always know?!" She's just trying to see how much she can get away with. Testing boundaries is pretty characteristic of kids of that age. Don't give it attention, just laugh it off. The more you make out of it, the more they've "won", in their eyes.

SpiritedWitch
by Froggie on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:26 AM
1 mom liked this

Your kid sounds like mine. He was always lying ... to everyone. I had family members bitching at me for shit that I didn't do and that had never happened. 

For instance ... he convinced my parents that the Bloods (maybe the Crips) were after him. Even showed them a "letter" he claimed was from them. They called demanding to know what the hell I was going to do about it.

ME: "Not a damn thing because HE IS LYING TO YOU." 
PARENTS: "He would not lie about something like THIS!"
ME: "Really? Bring the note when you bring him home. I will prove it."

I had samples of his hand writing ready for them. Shattered their image of the "little angel". Each one of them (family members) had their own eye-opening moment. 

He told the kids at school that we had been to Disney World and a bunch of other places and things that he had done ... we have never been to Disney World. No punishment phased him ... only pissed him off and he got worse. It was HELL after I told my parents the truth of his lies. 

I don't know what to tell you about how to fix it. We even took him to a therapist and the moron would not talk to me first so I could warn him to watch what he says so he tells BK that he doesn't have to talk to him. BK comes strolling out ... more like swaggering ... and informed me that he didn't have to come back if he didn't want to b/c the therapist said so. 

I do wish you luck. 


ETA: Forgot to add ... I also totally understand about "not liking" your kid. Been there ... you love him and want nothing but the best for him but you don't like the person he is or has become. Just remind yourself that you love him and it will get better ... eventually.  

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:27 AM

That is exactly what I am worried about. If he thinks I'm not watching, he'll take things. He'll tell me he did something he was supposed to do (clean his room, etc.), when he didn't. I have an appointment coming up here very soon for him, and I am going to request a referral for a therapist.  

Quoting Anonymous:

I think I understand what you mean- I have a 'nephew' by marriage with some issues and his 'behaviors' seemed to begin with this kind of lying. Huge, weird lies for no reason that if he were caught in he just kept going to try and get out of it. HIs mom ignored these lies and behaviors and he has turned into a chronic liar, a thief- cannot be trusted at all with anything- food, money, responsibility etc. and has some very disturbing elements to his personality.

I don't want to freak you out anymore than you already are but I would get him into a therapist- psychoanalyst asap and get to the bottom of it. It sounds way more serious than typical kid fibs or a power struggle over vegetables and he is s till young enough to benefit from some sort of intervention.


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