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What do you do when you don't like your child? *Info added.

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

**I really appreciate all of the advice that you ladies are giving. I wanted to clarify the food issue, since many moms have commented on it. I do not force my kids to clear their plates or eat things they do not enjoy. He was lying about the food on his plate because he wanted to get ice cream after dinner. He knows that he doesn't have to eat everything, but in my house, if you want dessert after dinner, you do need to eat a reasonable portion of your actual dinner. Also, just to save some of you the effort of typing how normal it is for kids to lie... I know this. I have worked with children since I was old enough to work, it is what I do for a living. I know that kids lie, tell stories, embellish, etc. However, the frequency in which he lies and the things he lies about is not normal. The degree of how deceitful he tries to be is not typical, and the fact that you cannot reason with him and how he doesn't respond to punishment is not normal. He's 7, not 2.**

I love my son to death, believe me, I do. His personality really leaves something to be desired, though.

DS7 isn't a *bad* kid. He doesn't intentially hurt people or lash out, break things or anything like that. But he is becoming extremely deceitful. The day before yesterday, he had some potatoes on his plate. I split them up, telling him he had to eat one of the portions if he wanted dessert. Instead, he pushed them back together and said "I ate it!". I knew he was trying to trick me, so I gave him one more chance to actually eat it (it was about 2 or 3 bites), and he tried to lie to me again, so he went straight to bed. Last night, the same thing with green beans. Instead, he threw about half of them away in the garbage can in my bathroom, instead of the kitchen, so that I wouldn't see. He's a terrible liar so I knew right away... I found the discarded ones and then sent him to bed.

He is always doing shit like this, trying to be deceitful. Not just with dinner, but in general. I honestly cannot believe a word out of his mouth because he lies so damned much, and I hate that. I don't want to assume that when he tells me about his day at school that he is lying, but I have to because he usually does! He'll tell me whole stories about how they went on a field trip, but they didn't go anywhere. And when I ask him why he is making up stories, he still tries to pass it off like a truth. You can't reason with him. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows he is lying, but then he'll go and do something intentionally deceitful so I know he knows what he is doing.

I don't let him get away with lying, but he does it anyway. He doesn't care about being punished. Both of his brothers are so respectful - I don't know why he acts this way. I'm struggling to determine if maybe he has some sort of disorder (he has other learning disabilities as well), or if he is just that kind of person.

I love him, love him, love him. But at the same time, I hate being lied to, it's my biggest pet peeve. 

Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:48 AM
Replies (21-30):
mommytoeandb
by Platinum Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:31 AM

You do your best during the phase and get him help if he doesn't outgrow the behavior.  Focus on your knowledge that he isn't a bad kid.  He's just making bad choices.  Kids sometimes act out with their parents because they know that is a safe place to test boundaries.  Stay firm, fair, and calm. GL.

Mamie_85
by Platinum Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:32 AM

 yes, it is normal. kids test their boundaries with the people they trust the most. it's how they learn what's socially acceptable in a safe environment.

Quoting Anonymous:

Is it normal for him to keep trying to lie once you've already called them out on it, though? I mean, he is insistent - here's how the green bean scenario went down:

Me: did you eat all your beans?

Him: yes (he looked real shifty-eyed about it).

Me: Are you sure? Am I going to find them in the garbage?

Him: No, I ate all of them!

Me: Are you positive? If you're lying to me, you need to tell me now or else you'll be in trouble.

Him: I ate all of them! You can check the KITCHEN garbage!

He will go on and on, and then when I finally walk him to the garbage can and show him the green beans, "well, I ate some of them!". 

Quoting Mamie_85:

 this, exactly. kids lie. it's an actual phase they go through. they either lie to get away with something, like at dinner. or it's a story telling lie, to make themselves sound more interesting or impressive. both are normal.

Quoting Not_A_Native:

He's a kid, kids lie.

First lay off about the dinner.  Quit making a big deal about it - food is food, either he eats or not, it is his decision.   The more you "force" him, the worse it will get.  It's not about the food, this is a power struggle between you and him.

For the day at school, "lead" the conversation. Don't make a huge deal out of the stories, just calmly tell him, "no, I know you didn't go on a field trip, why don't you tell me about lunch or recess or something else instead."  Big point - be CALM.  He's doing it to get attention!  Don't give in to that.

 

 

 

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:41 AM
Yes your right it could harm in the long run. It's really scary that .hr has no empathy or even such low self worth. Is he getting teased r bullied at school?
You might want to talk to his doc about this and maybe get him into a child psychologist for some testing?

He is looking for attention and negative is better than none but from what you said he is getting attention. Maybe focus on more positive like we are ggoing for ice cream after -----. If you want to come you need to do this and not lie. Or maybe discuss punishment options with him. That way he can feel like he has some control over what the punishment is going to be.


Quoting Anonymous:

It is the worst part :( I see these other moms posting that it's normal for kids to lie... I know that... but it's not normal for them to not care about it, or your feelings, or anything else. He's hasn't always been this way, it's been maybe the past 2 or 3 years. The lieing is getting worse and worse, though. The only punishment that seems to work is exclusion - like, when we all go get ice cream, he doesn't get any. He doesn't like feeling left out. However, I don't like doing that because I don't like him to feel left out, I think that does a lot of long term harm. Also, it doesn't help for long, anyway... give him a day and then he's back to his old antics.

Quoting Anonymous:

Wow no empathy. That's really hard. Has he always been this way? Is the any punishment you have used in the past for anything les that has worked?





Quoting Anonymous:

I've tried that :( He'll tell me something and I will tell him that I don't believe him. He doesn't care.

He doesn't care how other people feel. I tell him it makes me sad when he lies to me, and he shrugs it off. I tell him that kids aren't going to want to be his friend if he lies. He tells me he doesn't need friends. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Dd ent through a phase if lieing. I knew sh was. I finally told her if you keep lieing I'm not ever going to believe you. And when she needs help I won't help because I won't believe her. And gave examples like if hungry .ir thirsty I won't think she is so I won't give her anything.


The a few times I told her I didn't believe her. She is an emotional kid so this devastated her. It stopped and she hasn't done it since.





Be creative. You have to play the game with him and out smart him






Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:52 AM

He seems okay at school... he's never mentioned anyone treating him poorly and he only has good things to say about his classmates. I have spoken with his teacher about it and she says she has never seen anyone being mean to him. I will be discussing this with his dr at an appt we have coming up next week.

I'll try talking about his punishments, I think that is a good idea, thanks!!

Quoting Anonymous:

Yes your right it could harm in the long run. It's really scary that .hr has no empathy or even such low self worth. Is he getting teased r bullied at school?
You might want to talk to his doc about this and maybe get him into a child psychologist for some testing?

He is looking for attention and negative is better than none but from what you said he is getting attention. Maybe focus on more positive like we are ggoing for ice cream after -----. If you want to come you need to do this and not lie. Or maybe discuss punishment options with him. That way he can feel like he has some control over what the punishment is going to be.


Quoting Anonymous:

It is the worst part :( I see these other moms posting that it's normal for kids to lie... I know that... but it's not normal for them to not care about it, or your feelings, or anything else. He's hasn't always been this way, it's been maybe the past 2 or 3 years. The lieing is getting worse and worse, though. The only punishment that seems to work is exclusion - like, when we all go get ice cream, he doesn't get any. He doesn't like feeling left out. However, I don't like doing that because I don't like him to feel left out, I think that does a lot of long term harm. Also, it doesn't help for long, anyway... give him a day and then he's back to his old antics.

Quoting Anonymous:

Wow no empathy. That's really hard. Has he always been this way? Is the any punishment you have used in the past for anything les that has worked?





Quoting Anonymous:

I've tried that :( He'll tell me something and I will tell him that I don't believe him. He doesn't care.

He doesn't care how other people feel. I tell him it makes me sad when he lies to me, and he shrugs it off. I tell him that kids aren't going to want to be his friend if he lies. He tells me he doesn't need friends. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Dd ent through a phase if lieing. I knew sh was. I finally told her if you keep lieing I'm not ever going to believe you. And when she needs help I won't help because I won't believe her. And gave examples like if hungry .ir thirsty I won't think she is so I won't give her anything.


The a few times I told her I didn't believe her. She is an emotional kid so this devastated her. It stopped and she hasn't done it since.





Be creative. You have to play the game with him and out smart him







Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:57 AM

Tell him, "hurry up and get in the car!  We're going to the movies and then out for ice cream!"  Have him get ready and waiting in the car, then go out and say, "I lied.  We really aren't going out."  Then tell him how lying makes everyone feel like crap.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:58 AM

I just might try that, actually. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Tell him, "hurry up and get in the car!  We're going to the movies and then out for ice cream!"  Have him get ready and waiting in the car, then go out and say, "I lied.  We really aren't going out."  Then tell him how lying makes everyone feel like crap.


Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:01 AM


Good luck mama- I know it can't be easy. You love him and want the best for him but don't beat yourself up for not liking him or his behaviors right now- it's ok not to like your kid sometimes and wait to see what the therapist says before you drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why. 

Quoting Anonymous:

That is exactly what I am worried about. If he thinks I'm not watching, he'll take things. He'll tell me he did something he was supposed to do (clean his room, etc.), when he didn't. I have an appointment coming up here very soon for him, and I am going to request a referral for a therapist.  

Quoting Anonymous:

I think I understand what you mean- I have a 'nephew' by marriage with some issues and his 'behaviors' seemed to begin with this kind of lying. Huge, weird lies for no reason that if he were caught in he just kept going to try and get out of it. HIs mom ignored these lies and behaviors and he has turned into a chronic liar, a thief- cannot be trusted at all with anything- food, money, responsibility etc. and has some very disturbing elements to his personality.

I don't want to freak you out anymore than you already are but I would get him into a therapist- psychoanalyst asap and get to the bottom of it. It sounds way more serious than typical kid fibs or a power struggle over vegetables and he is s till young enough to benefit from some sort of intervention.




Elyce225
by Ruby Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:03 AM

I have 5 children and none of them ever went through a lying phase. That is crazy.

At times they have lied but it was one time only because of the consequence. He would be in so much trouble and in therapy. It's not normal to be lying about any and everything. He sounds like he believes himself also. I would definitely look into getting him checked out.
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StarLight23
by Silver Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:03 AM

Good luck OP

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:06 AM
1 mom liked this

 That's just hurtful.  He's 7, and you are the parent.  How about a reward system where if he goes a week without lying, you will take him for ice cream?  Or start him on an allowance and then when he is caught in a lie, charge him a quarter.  Just focus on correcting the behavior.  The empathy will come.  Some kids are naturally more sensitive and empathic than others.  Doesn't mean he is destined for horrible behavior problems as a teen or adult. 

Also, I would get him a journal and when he starts with the stories, have him write about it.  Read it together.  Let him know how you know he is not being truthful but praise his creativity.  Maybe he'll just needs a positive outlet to create all those stories.   

Quoting Anonymous:

I just might try that, actually. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Tell him, "hurry up and get in the car!  We're going to the movies and then out for ice cream!"  Have him get ready and waiting in the car, then go out and say, "I lied.  We really aren't going out."  Then tell him how lying makes everyone feel like crap.

 

 

 

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