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What do you do when you don't like your child? *Info added.

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

**I really appreciate all of the advice that you ladies are giving. I wanted to clarify the food issue, since many moms have commented on it. I do not force my kids to clear their plates or eat things they do not enjoy. He was lying about the food on his plate because he wanted to get ice cream after dinner. He knows that he doesn't have to eat everything, but in my house, if you want dessert after dinner, you do need to eat a reasonable portion of your actual dinner. Also, just to save some of you the effort of typing how normal it is for kids to lie... I know this. I have worked with children since I was old enough to work, it is what I do for a living. I know that kids lie, tell stories, embellish, etc. However, the frequency in which he lies and the things he lies about is not normal. The degree of how deceitful he tries to be is not typical, and the fact that you cannot reason with him and how he doesn't respond to punishment is not normal. He's 7, not 2.**

I love my son to death, believe me, I do. His personality really leaves something to be desired, though.

DS7 isn't a *bad* kid. He doesn't intentially hurt people or lash out, break things or anything like that. But he is becoming extremely deceitful. The day before yesterday, he had some potatoes on his plate. I split them up, telling him he had to eat one of the portions if he wanted dessert. Instead, he pushed them back together and said "I ate it!". I knew he was trying to trick me, so I gave him one more chance to actually eat it (it was about 2 or 3 bites), and he tried to lie to me again, so he went straight to bed. Last night, the same thing with green beans. Instead, he threw about half of them away in the garbage can in my bathroom, instead of the kitchen, so that I wouldn't see. He's a terrible liar so I knew right away... I found the discarded ones and then sent him to bed.

He is always doing shit like this, trying to be deceitful. Not just with dinner, but in general. I honestly cannot believe a word out of his mouth because he lies so damned much, and I hate that. I don't want to assume that when he tells me about his day at school that he is lying, but I have to because he usually does! He'll tell me whole stories about how they went on a field trip, but they didn't go anywhere. And when I ask him why he is making up stories, he still tries to pass it off like a truth. You can't reason with him. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows he is lying, but then he'll go and do something intentionally deceitful so I know he knows what he is doing.

I don't let him get away with lying, but he does it anyway. He doesn't care about being punished. Both of his brothers are so respectful - I don't know why he acts this way. I'm struggling to determine if maybe he has some sort of disorder (he has other learning disabilities as well), or if he is just that kind of person.

I love him, love him, love him. But at the same time, I hate being lied to, it's my biggest pet peeve. 

Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:48 AM
Replies (41-50):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:21 AM

IYeah, I was joking about trying that, lol. Well, half-joking...

We've tried both of these things. 

He doesn't respond to being rewarded. We have tried offering everything from small rewards for good behavior (a trip to Toys R Us, Chuck E Cheeses, etc.) to big rewards like the tablet he wanted. I can't get him to go a day without lying, moreless a week. And then he just tries to cover up the lies with more lies. 

Both of his brothers get allowance. He goes into the negative. 

I honestly don't care if he tells me stories about his day, I am okay with that. He has a very active imagination and we do like him to express that. What bothers me is that he is purposely deceitful, and does not feel remorseful. He won't admit to a lie, even once you've caught him in it. When you punish him, he just deflects (i.e. "that's okay, I don't need ice cream, it has too much sugar" or "I don't really want to go to Chuck E Cheese anyway, I think I'll take a nap instead". These are actual responses that he has given, lol). 

Sigh. 

Quoting Anonymous:

 That's just hurtful.  He's 7, and you are the parent.  How about a reward system where if he goes a week without lying, you will take him for ice cream?  Or start him on an allowance and then when he is caught in a lie, charge him a quarter.  Just focus on correcting the behavior.  The empathy will come.  Some kids are naturally more sensitive and empathic than others.  Doesn't mean he is destined for horrible behavior problems as a teen or adult. 

Also, I would get him a journal and when he starts with the stories, have him write about it.  Read it together.  Let him know how you know he is not being truthful but praise his creativity.  Maybe he'll just needs a positive outlet to create all those stories.   

Quoting Anonymous:

I just might try that, actually. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Tell him, "hurry up and get in the car!  We're going to the movies and then out for ice cream!"  Have him get ready and waiting in the car, then go out and say, "I lied.  We really aren't going out."  Then tell him how lying makes everyone feel like crap.





Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:24 AM

Lessons like this will undermine the trust and security he feels towards you as a parent.  i know he is undermining your trust when he lies, but again, he is only 7 and it is not atypical for children to test out lying.  I would try some other means of extinguishing the lying that will not involve you deliberately creating a situation that will hurt him.  I would encourage talking to his dr like you mentioned earlier and even seeing a counselor on your own to see what other techniques are out there before creating a situation where you as his mother are lying to him. 

 

Quoting Anonymous:

That is the whole point...lying IS hurtful.  I'm a firm believer that unless you walk in the other person's shoes, you won't ever gain true empathy for that person.

 

Quoting Anonymous:

 That's just hurtful.  He's 7, and you are the parent.  How about a reward system where if he goes a week without lying, you will take him for ice cream?  Or start him on an allowance and then when he is caught in a lie, charge him a quarter.  Just focus on correcting the behavior.  The empathy will come.  Some kids are naturally more sensitive and empathic than others.  Doesn't mean he is destined for horrible behavior problems as a teen or adult. 

Also, I would get him a journal and when he starts with the stories, have him write about it.  Read it together.  Let him know how you know he is not being truthful but praise his creativity.  Maybe he'll just needs a positive outlet to create all those stories.   

Quoting Anonymous:

I just might try that, actually. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Tell him, "hurry up and get in the car!  We're going to the movies and then out for ice cream!"  Have him get ready and waiting in the car, then go out and say, "I lied.  We really aren't going out."  Then tell him how lying makes everyone feel like crap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

bleumonster
by Ruby Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:25 AM
My son had trouble with that when he was a bit younger. He was a good liar though so it took me a little while to catch on. I finally had to tell him I couldn't believe anything that came out of his mouth so I until I could, I would always believe the other person or believe the opposite. I also punished twice as hard for lying. It took about a month but he began to tell the truth. It was another month before I started believing him. He is a lousy liar now and doesn't even try to lie anymore.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:25 AM

LOL I don't think I am overreacting... I think your family is underreacting, lol.

We went to Party City the other day, and someone left a few bucks on the counter. My son was going to steal it, but fortunately I caught him. That isn't okay. He's seven years old, he knows better than to steal money, or anything for that matter. If I caught my child stealing from my purse, they'd be in a world of hurt. 

I will not allow him to think that behavior is "cute" or acceptable. 

Quoting Anonymous:

I think you are overreacting.
My niece lies ALL the time plus she steals staff, especially from people's purses, makes my DD do staff for her and then gets my DD in trouble for them. Her parents and grandparents think that she is adorable, and laugh when she does it. Your DS sounds like an angel compare to her.


N_maricle
by Platinum Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:26 AM


Lol, my niece is 5 now. But the time she's in middle school is hope vampire diaries is off the air. Lol. And secret life.

Quoting spooky415:

My cousin mostly makes up stuff about dating. Like, when she was in 6th grade she told everyone she was dating a guy named Jack in high school. He played football and used to date a cheerleader. He wanted her to convert to Christianity and go to church but it was hard because she's pagan (she's not pagan, she was just watching Vampire Diaries and liked the witch character).

Her "boyfriend" was literally ripped off of a character from Secret Life.

All of her stories are based off of stories or songs.


Quoting N_maricle:


That reminds me of my niece. She makes up stories that are violets about family members! Like the time she was telling everyone her dad kicked her in the face with his steel toed boots! They are afraid people are going to believe her.


Quoting spooky415:

My son tries to fib to get out of shit all the time. I just make it very clear that I don't believe him.

I have a cousin that lies CONSTANTLY. We thought it was just a stage...it wasn't. Or if it is its the longest stage EVER. Like, six years. And as she gets older, her lies become more mature. She makes up very elaborate stories, characters, all kinds of stuff. She doesn't BELIEVE it but she wants others to. She a VERY unhappy person. All she has is the people she's fabricated. She's lost all of her friends-either bc they don't trust her and got sick of hearing her stories or bc their parents were disturbed and worried she would use their family as the root of a story. She's not malicious in her lies-they're all to make herself look more important or desirable-but they do tend to be very adult in nature and parents worry that their kids will get involved.

She's in counseling now but they still can't find out WHY she does it. Her mother does the same thing too. So idk if she knows her mother is lying and thinks its normal or what...or if its some type of psychological thing.






bleumonster
by Ruby Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:26 AM
The only problem I have with that approach is that I always told my kids that I didn't lie to them and I wouldn't tolerate a lie.


Quoting Anonymous:

Lessons like this will undermine the trust and security he feels towards you as a parent.  i know he is undermining your trust when he lies, but again, he is only 7 and it is not atypical for children to test out lying.  I would try some other means of extinguishing the lying that will not involve you deliberately creating a situation that will hurt him.  I would encourage talking to his dr like you mentioned earlier and even seeing a counselor on your own to see what other techniques are out there before creating a situation where you as his mother are lying to him. 


 


Quoting Anonymous:


That is the whole point...lying IS hurtful.  I'm a firm believer that unless you walk in the other person's shoes, you won't ever gain true empathy for that person.


 


Quoting Anonymous:


 That's just hurtful.  He's 7, and you are the parent.  How about a reward system where if he goes a week without lying, you will take him for ice cream?  Or start him on an allowance and then when he is caught in a lie, charge him a quarter.  Just focus on correcting the behavior.  The empathy will come.  Some kids are naturally more sensitive and empathic than others.  Doesn't mean he is destined for horrible behavior problems as a teen or adult. 


Also, I would get him a journal and when he starts with the stories, have him write about it.  Read it together.  Let him know how you know he is not being truthful but praise his creativity.  Maybe he'll just needs a positive outlet to create all those stories.   


Quoting Anonymous:


I just might try that, actually. 


Quoting Anonymous:


Tell him, "hurry up and get in the car!  We're going to the movies and then out for ice cream!"  Have him get ready and waiting in the car, then go out and say, "I lied.  We really aren't going out."  Then tell him how lying makes everyone feel like crap.


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:26 AM

I don't hate my kid. I love my kid. That's why I want him to grow into a respectable young man, not a lying thief :(

Quoting Anonymous:

I dont know I sometime hate my kid to


Melissa_4
by Ruby Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:26 AM

Quoting Anonymous:

Well, I don't force him to eat food, he never *has* to clear his plate. However, he wanted dessert, and he doesn't get dessert if he doesn't eat some of the dinner. He could very well be doing it for attention, though... that was our first assumption. We have two other kids, so I try to carve more time out that is just for him... he comes grocery shopping with me without his brothers, things like that. It isn't making a difference yet, but we're keeping at it. 

Quoting Not_A_Native:

He's a kid, kids lie.

First lay off about the dinner.  Quit making a big deal about it - food is food, either he eats or not, it is his decision.   The more you "force" him, the worse it will get.  It's not about the food, this is a power struggle between you and him.

For the day at school, "lead" the conversation. Don't make a huge deal out of the stories, just calmly tell him, "no, I know you didn't go on a field trip, why don't you tell me about lunch or recess or something else instead."  Big point - be CALM.  He's doing it to get attention!  Don't give in to that.



First, stop serving dessert. "Dessert" is a treat, not a necessity, and instead serve fresh fruit with dinner or just after. Second, put everything on the table and let HIM choose what he wants to have on his plate. Not a lot of kids like mashed potatoes. Some kids don't like veggies at all, but if you tell him "one green bean for every year old" (7 years old, 7 green beans), it might go over better. At least he's eating some of them. Believe it or not, kids at his age don't need a lot of food to fill them up. He's still little. The lying part I really can't help with as it's rare we have any of our 4 kids lying. Good luck!
lalaballet
by Platinum Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:28 AM
I would try a psychiatrist.
Summerlion1123
by Platinum Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:29 AM
You have to give him a chance to earn things back. It cant just be "until you do better." What reason does he have to do better? Give him something to strive for. Id say continue to punish for bad deeds, but start focusing more on rewards for good ones. If punishment isn't that troubling to him, a reward system and challenges are probably better anyway.

Quoting Anonymous:

We've tried everything short of hitting the child, lol. We started with time outs, which were wholly ineffective. He no longer has any of his electronics (his brothers have tablets and DS'es... he has lost his until he turns himself around.). He doesn't get TV or video game time when he lies, and when we go out for ice cream or treats like that, he doesn't get any (that, so far, is the most effective punishment).

Quoting Leissaintexas:

You say he doesn' tcare about being punished, so I gotta ask, what are the consequences for the behavior? It may just not be harsh enough. If you're just sending himn to bed early, well, no wonder he doesn't care.


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