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Need an opinion

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
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this is long, bear with me

DH has a best friend who I will call "Jane". He has known her literally his whole life. She was his first crush and his first love, but nothing ever came of it. He wanted to propose to her even though they weren't dating, but didn't. She met someone, got married, and had a kid. He met me, we got married and have two kids. I've worried for 8 years now that they will end up hooking up, mainly because their friendship is totally f*cked up. Literally. They text each other more than two teenagers, they talk about things that he knows I don't think are appropriate for them to talk about, and there's a sexual attraction there. But, for the last 8 years, he's assured me that he's over her, that nothing's going to happen, etc.

We recently had our second child. After bringing him home, DH got distant. At first I thought it was because of the stress of having a newborn. But he started talking to "Jane" more, and hanging out with her, which I really wasn't ok with, but I'm not the sort to put down an ultimatum (never ends well). I confronted him about this. He denied that anything untoward was going on. I didn't believe him. He finally admitted that they had been talking about sexual feelings they had toward each other, and the strong relationship they have. Not a dating/love type of feelings, but just a very very strong friendship. I told him that I was not ok with this, I was hurt. We fought about this and other things, and the next few days were complete shit. The night after our fight he went to go hang out with "Jane" and spend the night, which I was pissed about and let him know how I felt. He didn't care, etc, and left. I knew in my gut that something was wrong, and I am NEVER wrong when I have that feeling.

He came home the next day. I was depressed and upset. We decided to take some time to process this (as well as the rest of our stress) and decide what needed to happen. He decided a few days later that he wanted to work on our relationship, and cut down on talking to her and seeing her (which was my one request, something I felt was reasonable). I felt like things were progressing nicely, but still had a bad feeling that he wasn't being honest with me. I knew something was wrong. So, when he went to sleep that night, I did the one thing I'd never done: checked his phone. There, in black and white, he was talking to "Jane" about the sex they had, and how good it was. I was FURIOUS. I ran to the bathroom, threw up, and immediately woke him up and confronted him. He didn't even know how to respond except to tell the truth. I left the house, because I was literally sick with rage, disappointment, as well as the knowledge that I had sex with him since he cheated on me with her. I pretty much blacked out that night, I was so angry.

over the next few days he told me EVERYTHING, because I demanded total honesty. I deserve it. He admitted that they had sex, twice that night, unprotected. They had apparently been fooling around sexually since our son was two weeks old, but didn't have sex till that night, when her DH was conveniently out of state. Of course her husband had NO clue. I bitched her out via text, because I needed to let her know just how heinous I find her. Not only that, but DH wanted to tell me the truth, and SHE continually convinced him that lying to me was better. Who the f*ck does that? even my kids know that telling the truth is better! She did tell her husband though, because I told her if she didn't, I would. The poor idiot deserved to know that his wife was a cheating whore. He had no idea. At least I had a freaking suspicion!

Anyway, I am still with him due to MANY reasons (so don't bother telling me to leave him, I really don't care what you'd do) but here's the thing. He is still texting her, although he says it's just innocent. He deletes his messages. I obviously don't trust him as far as she's concerned. They are BOTH at fault in this, I'm not choosing sides, they both cheated and lied. DH is having a pretty serious surgery soon. He wants to see her (he hasn't seen her in person since I found out about this shit) I am ok with it, as long as it's in a public place where they can't do anything. But honestly, I want her out of his life. I don't want them to have any contact. I don't trust him at ALL when it comes to her, but I do in other aspects of our life. Am I wrong to want him to literally cut off contact with her? Before this they were best friends, although she used him for her sick little ego trips and he didn't realize it for the longest time. She's a sick f*ck, and I despise her.


Thanks for letting me vent. Oh, and if you are reading this "Jane", I wish you'd get hurt as much as you hurt me and your husband. Because you deserve all the pain you and DH put me through

Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:07 PM
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Saydar
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 1:15 PM

Ok, if you really won't leave him (and frankly, I can't see why you would marry a man obsessed with another woman) then here's my advice:

He should have absolutely, positively no contact with Jane. He can't work on rebuilding your trust or your relationship while he's still giving so much of himself to Jane. Her husband should be demanding the same of her but that's for Jane and her pet... er.. husband to work out.

I'd strongly encourage you to go to therapy. You and your husband would benefit from couples therapy, but you definitely need therapy yourself.

I find it disturbing that you allowed so much obvious behavior and chose to ignore it or allow it. I suspect that there is some co-dependency or self-esteem issues that are keeping you in what is a very emotionally abusive relationship.

I understand wanting to supply a stable environment for your children. If that is why you are staying - don't! Don't if he's not willing to work on fixing everything that he has broken. Do you want to teach your kids that it's ok to treat their loved ones the way your H treated you? Is treating you?

The best thing a man can do for his children is treat his wife with respect. Your husband has respect for no one, least of all: you.

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