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Family needing closure. Should I smuggle some ashes? UPDATE

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In 2010 my 23 year old step brother passed away. We were the same age and grew up together so we were close but had not been as close as we were in the passed because we had our own lives. His mother is holding his ashes and won't allow them to be split up or buried anywhere. His passing was very traumatic and sudden, and many of his family members still have not healed.

He loved his mother dearly but she is a pig. Her house is disgusting and he was embarrassed by it. The first year after his passing she kept his ashes in a shoebox. It took his fiancé coming over with an urn because she couldn't take not having him in a proper container.

I'm not fully aware of the whole situation as I don't have much of a relationship with his fiancé. However, I've seen my little sister (his sister too, same dad) and his dad suffer such pain over his passing.

My sister just left in tears because his birthday is in a few days and she had nowhere to "visit" him.

I feel like I'm the only one motivated to do something about it, but given I'm only his step sister I don't think I have a leg to stand on legally.

I feel like his ashes should be split. His mom, dad and two kids should have ashes, and the rest of the ashes need to be buried for his extended family to visit. No one feels like they've had any closure.

What can I do? Would it be a total dirtbag thing to do to sneak a scoop of the ashes and purchase a gravesite/headstone and give his father some too?

As far as my step brothers wishes, I'm not really sure if he has verbalized anything to anyone before passing. Knowing him, and his sense of humor I think he would find it hilarious if I smuggled some of his ashes.

I don't know, my heart is breaking for my sister. She asked me to take her to the river to throw some roses's the only thing she can think of to memorialize him and remember him on his birthday. She would like to have a place to visit his remains. She's not comfortable visiting his ashes at his moms because its chaotic and gross over there. She is your stereotypical "welfare momma." So I don't blame her.

What options do I have?

thanks to those of you who were understanding and actually offered advice. Some of you are acting as if I have already taken some if his cremains.

I wrote this post moments after my sister left and my heart was breaking for her and I was mad. I've watched my step dad be consumed with guilt and become very ill over it. He is doing better now, but I wanted him to have the closure I think he needs.

You're right it's not my battle.

However, that does not change how I feel about his mother. She has done some mean spirited things to my family before his passing and I truly believe this is a control thing with her.

I'm going to look into planting a tree. My brother died of a heroin overdose. My step dad was in denial that he was actually using and that is why I think he can't heal, because he feels responsible.
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 8:50 PM
Replies (11-20):
by Emerald Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:09 PM

You don't need his ashes to make a memorial for him. Put up pictures, something that reminds you of him, etc. Some people don't have bodies or even ashes to visit, they still have closure because they find their own way. I would do that over resorting to stealing ashes.

by Anonymous 3 on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:09 PM

Don't  swipe the ashes, get a memorial headstone and let her know that his love is always with her.  Maybe having a place to go will help, his ashes don't need to be there though.

by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:09 PM

I find it disturbing that you would consider splitting/stealing his ashes. Having his ashes does not automatically bring closure. Am I the only one to feel this way. I am sorry for you and your families loss but please plant a tree or find another way to memorialize him. I hope your family can heal.

by Ruby Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:10 PM
Lol, I don't know. It just seems illegal!!

I like the tree idea

Quoting cfcf:

Under what charges? No I don't want to go to jail, lol. But I don't know what else to do. In fuming mad just thinking about it. It's not right that she's hoarding his remains when he has other family that need closure too.

Quoting rgba:

Pretty sure you could go to jail. Is it worth it?

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by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:12 PM

My ex-husband went through something similar when his father passed away. He was constantly searching for some type of closure. I ended up having a park bench placed in his fathers honor. I was able to place it where his dad would always sit to watch his baseball games. It gave him somewhere to go where he felt his dad's presence. 

As far as smuggling some ashes...I wouldn't do it. But what you guys can do is have a memorial service for yourselves. If you want to do a flower ceremony you can have a priest or other religious type individual bless a flower lei that you can float down a river or into a lake etc.  Each of you can pick a flower for the lei or each of you can place a flower in the water. If they want to scatter ashes you can each write him a letter that you burn. Take those ashes and scatter them. Have you guys done a memory book? Each of you write your favorite memory, then you place all of it into a scrap book.  Good luck, I know this is so difficult. I'll keep you all in my prayers. 

by Anonymous 4 on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:15 PM

This. Or what is something he was passionate about? You and sis could donate or volunteer for a cause that he was passionate about. From what you said, I probably would sneak out some ashes. As long as you know for a fact that mom won't give any willingly. Just don't get caught. Maybe get one of those ash necklaces for sis and put them in there for her and give it to her on his birthday or just randomly. Same with dad and whoever else you are sneaking them for. Good luck! I know when I die I am asking to be donated to science. And I will put in that if people would like to do something in my memory, to donate to a certain charity, or voluteer to work with the under privledged, or to plant something. But my family know that is what I would like.

Quoting RandiBear:

Maybe plant a tree with a plaque in his honor. That way "he," in a sense, will continue to grow as the years go on. Maybe like an apple tree or something that produces fruit or beautiful flowers or something.

by Ruby Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:18 PM

I was thinking the same thing.

Quoting funlovinlady:

If her homes such a hellhole, I'd take the whole thing & be done with it. 

Bash away

by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:19 PM
Maybe, but she is his mother. She has every right to have her DS's ashes, and "he" should be at peace and not divided between family members. If you bury a person you are not going to divide his/her body between family members. Sounds so weird to me.
I'm sorry for your loss. sounds like he was a great human being and everybody loved him. Just remember his ashes are not "him", maybe it would be more important to keep the memory of him alive rather than having his ashes.
My father is buried in other country and I saw his grave twice in 14y. It is hard, but what we do is having a cake on his Birthday every year and talk about him and it feels like he is with us and watching us. Sounds weird, but it helps us to keep a memory of him alive.

Quoting cfcf:

No, short of there actually being crack at the house it looks like a crack house. She's a total wreck and her house is so chaotic. It would not be a pleasant experience for anyone.

Quoting Mish321:

Can you just visit his mother?

by Sapphire Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:22 PM

You could take a portion that wouldn't be noticed and then divy it up to the rest of the family.  They sell small keepsake and jewelry to hold small amounts of ashes.

by Anonymous 5 on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:23 PM

wow, you have such low morals that you would steal the ashes of a deceased person from their mother?  really, none of it is your business.  it doesn't matter what her house looks like, or anything else.  it's not your place.

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