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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Family needing closure. Should I smuggle some ashes? UPDATE

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In 2010 my 23 year old step brother passed away. We were the same age and grew up together so we were close but had not been as close as we were in the passed because we had our own lives. His mother is holding his ashes and won't allow them to be split up or buried anywhere. His passing was very traumatic and sudden, and many of his family members still have not healed.

He loved his mother dearly but she is a pig. Her house is disgusting and he was embarrassed by it. The first year after his passing she kept his ashes in a shoebox. It took his fiancé coming over with an urn because she couldn't take not having him in a proper container.

I'm not fully aware of the whole situation as I don't have much of a relationship with his fiancé. However, I've seen my little sister (his sister too, same dad) and his dad suffer such pain over his passing.

My sister just left in tears because his birthday is in a few days and she had nowhere to "visit" him.

I feel like I'm the only one motivated to do something about it, but given I'm only his step sister I don't think I have a leg to stand on legally.

I feel like his ashes should be split. His mom, dad and two kids should have ashes, and the rest of the ashes need to be buried for his extended family to visit. No one feels like they've had any closure.

What can I do? Would it be a total dirtbag thing to do to sneak a scoop of the ashes and purchase a gravesite/headstone and give his father some too?

As far as my step brothers wishes, I'm not really sure if he has verbalized anything to anyone before passing. Knowing him, and his sense of humor I think he would find it hilarious if I smuggled some of his ashes.

I don't know, my heart is breaking for my sister. She asked me to take her to the river to throw some roses in...it's the only thing she can think of to memorialize him and remember him on his birthday. She would like to have a place to visit his remains. She's not comfortable visiting his ashes at his moms because its chaotic and gross over there. She is your stereotypical "welfare momma." So I don't blame her.

What options do I have?

UPDATE
thanks to those of you who were understanding and actually offered advice. Some of you are acting as if I have already taken some if his cremains.

I wrote this post moments after my sister left and my heart was breaking for her and I was mad. I've watched my step dad be consumed with guilt and become very ill over it. He is doing better now, but I wanted him to have the closure I think he needs.

You're right it's not my battle.

However, that does not change how I feel about his mother. She has done some mean spirited things to my family before his passing and I truly believe this is a control thing with her.

I'm going to look into planting a tree. My brother died of a heroin overdose. My step dad was in denial that he was actually using and that is why I think he can't heal, because he feels responsible.
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 8:50 PM
Replies (21-30):
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:30 PM
So buy a plot and headstone or plant a tree in someone's yard or heck hold a memorial service at a park or somewhere peaceful and release baloons or something like that, I never did understand why people held on to a deceased persons ashes, its just kinda gross to me.
cfcf
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:34 PM
I wouldn't more than a small amount, she deserves them as much as his father does. No, I have exceptionally high morals which is why it pisses me off. I would think anyone with a heart wouldn't hoard someone's remains. Stealing is not something that comes naturally to me.

Quoting Anonymous:

wow, you have such low morals that you would steal the ashes of a deceased person from their mother?  really, none of it is your business.  it doesn't matter what her house looks like, or anything else.  it's not your place.

OrangeBalloon
by Platinum Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:41 PM

I would find a place that he really liked, or would have really appreciated. Call your city offices and ask them about how to put up a plaque or some sort of statue that your brother would have liked. Then you will have a place to go and place to put flowers to honor him. 

You could adopt a highway, plant a tree, place a plaque, plant a garden, or a park bench like someone else mentioned. The list goes on. 

cfcf
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:43 PM
No you would t divide a body, but you would burry it giving any and everyone the ability to visit him. That's mostly what I want them for.

When my grandfather passed away my grandma gave necklaces of his ashes to herself, and my father and aunt. She then split the rest between the mausoleum and to be spread in the ocean in Hawaii. I only wish for our family to have a place we can visit him.


Quoting Mish321:

Maybe, but she is his mother. She has every right to have her DS's ashes, and "he" should be at peace and not divided between family members. If you bury a person you are not going to divide his/her body between family members. Sounds so weird to me.

I'm sorry for your loss. sounds like he was a great human being and everybody loved him. Just remember his ashes are not "him", maybe it would be more important to keep the memory of him alive rather than having his ashes.

My father is buried in other country and I saw his grave twice in 14y. It is hard, but what we do is having a cake on his Birthday every year and talk about him and it feels like he is with us and watching us. Sounds weird, but it helps us to keep a memory of him alive.




Quoting cfcf:

No, short of there actually being crack at the house it looks like a crack house. She's a total wreck and her house is so chaotic. It would not be a pleasant experience for anyone.





Quoting Mish321:

Can you just visit his mother?

OrangeBalloon
by Platinum Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:44 PM

It really should have been a family decision as to what should be done with the remains. The man's mother took the ashes without any consideration as to how everyone else felt. The father of man, his fiancee, and the man's children should of had a say don't you think? 

Quoting Anonymous:

wow, you have such low morals that you would steal the ashes of a deceased person from their mother?  really, none of it is your business.  it doesn't matter what her house looks like, or anything else.  it's not your place.


RandiBear
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:46 PM
If it's public property you're supposed to get permission but who is really going to know where a little tree came from in the woods? lol Maybe a place he liked to visit...I know some places will allow you to donate a bench with a plaque in memory. My uncle did that for his wife at the beach boardwalk she frequented. Then he got to go and sit where she loved to be to watch the ocean and think.
Quoting cfcf:

That's a great idea, but where? Can I plant a tree in the woods somewhere? His dad goes up to the woods weekly and spends the day up there. I would love to surprise him like that.

Quoting RandiBear:

Maybe plant a tree with a plaque in his honor. That way "he," in a sense, will continue to grow as the years go on. Maybe like an apple tree or something that produces fruit or beautiful flowers or something.


Mish321
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:49 PM
I understand how you feel, I felt the same way until I visited my father's grave. I hope you'll find closer.


Quoting cfcf:

No you would t divide a body, but you would burry it giving any and everyone the ability to visit him. That's mostly what I want them for.



When my grandfather passed away my grandma gave necklaces of his ashes to herself, and my father and aunt. She then split the rest between the mausoleum and to be spread in the ocean in Hawaii. I only wish for our family to have a place we can visit him.




Quoting Mish321:

Maybe, but she is his mother. She has every right to have her DS's ashes, and "he" should be at peace and not divided between family members. If you bury a person you are not going to divide his/her body between family members. Sounds so weird to me.


I'm sorry for your loss. sounds like he was a great human being and everybody loved him. Just remember his ashes are not "him", maybe it would be more important to keep the memory of him alive rather than having his ashes.


My father is buried in other country and I saw his grave twice in 14y. It is hard, but what we do is having a cake on his Birthday every year and talk about him and it feels like he is with us and watching us. Sounds weird, but it helps us to keep a memory of him alive.






Quoting cfcf:

No, short of there actually being crack at the house it looks like a crack house. She's a total wreck and her house is so chaotic. It would not be a pleasant experience for anyone.







Quoting Mish321:

Can you just visit his mother?


JTE11
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:55 PM

Wow first of all, I'm so sorry you lost your step brother. As for what you can do, I think I'm going to go off the beaten path a little and say that I can't give you any suggestions for getting any ashes, maybe someone else has some legal advice for that, but you can still get together and create a memorial for your brother somewhere without having his ashes there, and it will be a place you and the rest of the family can go to pay respects or whatever you need to do. I don't think it would be a good idea to sneak some ashes, if you can't get them legally I'd say let him rest where he is. There are lots of people who pass away and their bodies are either lost or not available somehow but there are still memorials, focal points that the family can go to. I hope you can get some closure. Hugs to you and your family.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 9, 2013 at 9:58 PM
I do not like the idea of splitting Ashes. It is like burying an arm there, a leg here.. Maybe I am weird thinking this?


Quoting PinkyPan:

I find it disturbing that you would consider splitting/stealing his ashes. Having his ashes does not automatically bring closure. Am I the only one to feel this way. I am sorry for you and your families loss but please plant a tree or find another way to memorialize him. I hope your family can heal.


PinkyPan
by Ruby Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:02 PM

Not weird at all. I am sure you and I are not the only ones who thought this. 

Quoting Anonymous:

I do not like the idea of splitting Ashes. It is like burying an arm there, a leg here.. Maybe I am weird thinking this?


Quoting PinkyPan:

I find it disturbing that you would consider splitting/stealing his ashes. Having his ashes does not automatically bring closure. Am I the only one to feel this way. I am sorry for you and your families loss but please plant a tree or find another way to memorialize him. I hope your family can heal.



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