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Family needing closure. Should I smuggle some ashes? UPDATE

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In 2010 my 23 year old step brother passed away. We were the same age and grew up together so we were close but had not been as close as we were in the passed because we had our own lives. His mother is holding his ashes and won't allow them to be split up or buried anywhere. His passing was very traumatic and sudden, and many of his family members still have not healed.

He loved his mother dearly but she is a pig. Her house is disgusting and he was embarrassed by it. The first year after his passing she kept his ashes in a shoebox. It took his fiancé coming over with an urn because she couldn't take not having him in a proper container.

I'm not fully aware of the whole situation as I don't have much of a relationship with his fiancé. However, I've seen my little sister (his sister too, same dad) and his dad suffer such pain over his passing.

My sister just left in tears because his birthday is in a few days and she had nowhere to "visit" him.

I feel like I'm the only one motivated to do something about it, but given I'm only his step sister I don't think I have a leg to stand on legally.

I feel like his ashes should be split. His mom, dad and two kids should have ashes, and the rest of the ashes need to be buried for his extended family to visit. No one feels like they've had any closure.

What can I do? Would it be a total dirtbag thing to do to sneak a scoop of the ashes and purchase a gravesite/headstone and give his father some too?

As far as my step brothers wishes, I'm not really sure if he has verbalized anything to anyone before passing. Knowing him, and his sense of humor I think he would find it hilarious if I smuggled some of his ashes.

I don't know, my heart is breaking for my sister. She asked me to take her to the river to throw some roses in...it's the only thing she can think of to memorialize him and remember him on his birthday. She would like to have a place to visit his remains. She's not comfortable visiting his ashes at his moms because its chaotic and gross over there. She is your stereotypical "welfare momma." So I don't blame her.

What options do I have?

UPDATE
thanks to those of you who were understanding and actually offered advice. Some of you are acting as if I have already taken some if his cremains.

I wrote this post moments after my sister left and my heart was breaking for her and I was mad. I've watched my step dad be consumed with guilt and become very ill over it. He is doing better now, but I wanted him to have the closure I think he needs.

You're right it's not my battle.

However, that does not change how I feel about his mother. She has done some mean spirited things to my family before his passing and I truly believe this is a control thing with her.

I'm going to look into planting a tree. My brother died of a heroin overdose. My step dad was in denial that he was actually using and that is why I think he can't heal, because he feels responsible.
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 8:50 PM
Replies (31-40):
TheSilence
by Remember Me on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:05 PM
How would you feel if your son died and some woman came over and stole part of him?
That is his mother. She gave birth to him and has the ultimate right to his ashes to do with as she wishes.
cfcf
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:06 PM
1 mom liked this
It does seem illegal, huh...

Quoting rgba:

Lol, I don't know. It just seems illegal!!



I like the tree idea




Quoting cfcf:

Under what charges? No I don't want to go to jail, lol. But I don't know what else to do. In fuming mad just thinking about it. It's not right that she's hoarding his remains when he has other family that need closure too.











Quoting rgba:

Pretty sure you could go to jail. Is it worth it?

cjsix
by Platinum Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:07 PM
talk to a lawyer....
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:07 PM
WTF that is his mother. No matter what her house looks like right now.



Quoting funlovinlady:

If her homes such a hellhole, I'd take the whole thing & be done with it. 

Bash away


cfcf
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:09 PM
How would you feel if your son died and your ex refused to give you any of his remains?

Perhaps she should have a heart and let his family grieve and heal.


Quoting TheSilence:

How would you feel if your son died and some woman came over and stole part of him?

That is his mother. She gave birth to him and has the ultimate right to his ashes to do with as she wishes.
TheSilence
by Remember Me on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:17 PM
You don't need a body to heal or grieve. There are many families that grieve and heal without their loved ones. During natural disasters and wars it happens all the time.
Just put up a memorial tree, bench or plaque.
Stealing his remains is just wrong no matter what you feel.


Quoting cfcf:

How would you feel if your son died and your ex refused to give you any of his remains?



Perhaps she should have a heart and let his family grieve and heal.




Quoting TheSilence:

How would you feel if your son died and some woman came over and stole part of him?


That is his mother. She gave birth to him and has the ultimate right to his ashes to do with as she wishes.

cfcf
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:31 PM
Yes, I know. :(. It feels wrong too. I think I'm going to do the tree thing.

Quoting TheSilence:

You don't need a body to heal or grieve. There are many families that grieve and heal without their loved ones. During natural disasters and wars it happens all the time.

Just put up a memorial tree, bench or plaque.

Stealing his remains is just wrong no matter what you feel.




Quoting cfcf:

How would you feel if your son died and your ex refused to give you any of his remains?





Perhaps she should have a heart and let his family grieve and heal.






Quoting TheSilence:

How would you feel if your son died and some woman came over and stole part of him?



That is his mother. She gave birth to him and has the ultimate right to his ashes to do with as she wishes.

funlovinlady
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:42 PM

She obviously cares so much, that's why his ashes were in a shoebox forever.

Quoting Anonymous:

WTF that is his mother. No matter what her house looks like right now.



Quoting funlovinlady:

If her homes such a hellhole, I'd take the whole thing & be done with it. 

Bash away



Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:46 PM
That is her child. I can't stand thought of splitting the ashes. If you want somewhere to visit you don't need the ashes plant a tree donate a park bench in his name whatever. Op I get you are all hurting but it doesn't give you the right to take any of the ashes it really isn't your buisiness the only other person who has a right to them would he his dad. Though legally unless it was stated on a will she doesn't have to give him any


Quoting cfcf:

Under what charges? No I don't want to go to jail, lol. But I don't know what else to do. In fuming mad just thinking about it. It's not right that she's hoarding his remains when he has other family that need closure too.







Quoting rgba:

Pretty sure you could go to jail. Is it worth it?

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 9, 2013 at 10:50 PM
Did you ever consider that it was too painful for her to do it herself? How easy would it be for you to transfer your child's ashes?



Quoting funlovinlady:

She obviously cares so much, that's why his ashes were in a shoebox forever.

Quoting Anonymous:

WTF that is his mother. No matter what her house looks like right now.







Quoting funlovinlady:

If her homes such a hellhole, I'd take the whole thing & be done with it. 

Bash away





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