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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Family needing closure. Should I smuggle some ashes? UPDATE

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In 2010 my 23 year old step brother passed away. We were the same age and grew up together so we were close but had not been as close as we were in the passed because we had our own lives. His mother is holding his ashes and won't allow them to be split up or buried anywhere. His passing was very traumatic and sudden, and many of his family members still have not healed.

He loved his mother dearly but she is a pig. Her house is disgusting and he was embarrassed by it. The first year after his passing she kept his ashes in a shoebox. It took his fiancé coming over with an urn because she couldn't take not having him in a proper container.

I'm not fully aware of the whole situation as I don't have much of a relationship with his fiancé. However, I've seen my little sister (his sister too, same dad) and his dad suffer such pain over his passing.

My sister just left in tears because his birthday is in a few days and she had nowhere to "visit" him.

I feel like I'm the only one motivated to do something about it, but given I'm only his step sister I don't think I have a leg to stand on legally.

I feel like his ashes should be split. His mom, dad and two kids should have ashes, and the rest of the ashes need to be buried for his extended family to visit. No one feels like they've had any closure.

What can I do? Would it be a total dirtbag thing to do to sneak a scoop of the ashes and purchase a gravesite/headstone and give his father some too?

As far as my step brothers wishes, I'm not really sure if he has verbalized anything to anyone before passing. Knowing him, and his sense of humor I think he would find it hilarious if I smuggled some of his ashes.

I don't know, my heart is breaking for my sister. She asked me to take her to the river to throw some roses in...it's the only thing she can think of to memorialize him and remember him on his birthday. She would like to have a place to visit his remains. She's not comfortable visiting his ashes at his moms because its chaotic and gross over there. She is your stereotypical "welfare momma." So I don't blame her.

What options do I have?

UPDATE
thanks to those of you who were understanding and actually offered advice. Some of you are acting as if I have already taken some if his cremains.

I wrote this post moments after my sister left and my heart was breaking for her and I was mad. I've watched my step dad be consumed with guilt and become very ill over it. He is doing better now, but I wanted him to have the closure I think he needs.

You're right it's not my battle.

However, that does not change how I feel about his mother. She has done some mean spirited things to my family before his passing and I truly believe this is a control thing with her.

I'm going to look into planting a tree. My brother died of a heroin overdose. My step dad was in denial that he was actually using and that is why I think he can't heal, because he feels responsible.
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 8:50 PM
Replies (41-50):
cfcf
by Gold Member on Oct. 9, 2013 at 11:35 PM
I'm not going to take any, I've decided. That still doesn't change that fact that I think she's selfish. I don't care what your reasoning is for not splitting ashes it is not only about you. My brother never made any verbal or written instructions not to divide his ashes.

If he could speak up he would be outraged that his mother was hoarding his ashes. As far as other ways to memorialize him, I'll look into it. But it won't be the same thing. It would be different if there were no remains, but there are. Keeping his ashes from his family is a form of control. Not to mention, my step dad and mother paid for the hospital bills, funeral, and cremation and they don't get a say as to whether his ashes are split are not? Why not? Why does only she have a right?


Quoting Anonymous:

That is her child. I can't stand thought of splitting the ashes. If you want somewhere to visit you don't need the ashes plant a tree donate a park bench in his name whatever. Op I get you are all hurting but it doesn't give you the right to take any of the ashes it really isn't your buisiness the only other person who has a right to them would he his dad. Though legally unless it was stated on a will she doesn't have to give him any




Quoting cfcf:

Under what charges? No I don't want to go to jail, lol. But I don't know what else to do. In fuming mad just thinking about it. It's not right that she's hoarding his remains when he has other family that need closure too.











Quoting rgba:

Pretty sure you could go to jail. Is it worth it?

funlovinlady
by Gold Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 7:34 AM

Well considering the funeral home will do it for you, pretty easy. I couldn't live with the thought that my kids ashes were thrown in a box in a corner. 

Quoting Anonymous:

Did you ever consider that it was too painful for her to do it herself? How easy would it be for you to transfer your child's ashes?



Quoting funlovinlady:

She obviously cares so much, that's why his ashes were in a shoebox forever.

Quoting Anonymous:

WTF that is his mother. No matter what her house looks like right now.







Quoting funlovinlady:

If her homes such a hellhole, I'd take the whole thing & be done with it. 

Bash away






Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:09 AM
1 mom liked this
I think you are selfish. The ashes were given to her so they are hers to do whatever she wants with. Also keeping all the ashes together is not hoarding them. Did it occur to you how hard Õt might be for her to divide them up. It was her son she may not want to divide him up because it feels wrong. I find Õt disgusting you are all so worried about his remains. If you want to grieve and have closure you do not need his remains to do that. The things that are important are the memories the type of person he was those are where you can find the closure you need not in the remains. If yoi can't see that then I think your priorities are screwed. I get wanting remains because it is having a piece of him but it is time to let it go if you hold onto it you will all be resentful and will never get closure


Quoting cfcf:

I'm not going to take any, I've decided. That still doesn't change that fact that I think she's selfish. I don't care what your reasoning is for not splitting ashes it is not only about you. My brother never made any verbal or written instructions not to divide his ashes.



If he could speak up he would be outraged that his mother was hoarding his ashes. As far as other ways to memorialize him, I'll look into it. But it won't be the same thing. It would be different if there were no remains, but there are. Keeping his ashes from his family is a form of control. Not to mention, my step dad and mother paid for the hospital bills, funeral, and cremation and they don't get a say as to whether his ashes are split are not? Why not? Why does only she have a right?




Quoting Anonymous:

That is her child. I can't stand thought of splitting the ashes. If you want somewhere to visit you don't need the ashes plant a tree donate a park bench in his name whatever. Op I get you are all hurting but it doesn't give you the right to take any of the ashes it really isn't your buisiness the only other person who has a right to them would he his dad. Though legally unless it was stated on a will she doesn't have to give him any






Quoting cfcf:

Under what charges? No I don't want to go to jail, lol. But I don't know what else to do. In fuming mad just thinking about it. It's not right that she's hoarding his remains when he has other family that need closure too.















Quoting rgba:

Pretty sure you could go to jail. Is it worth it?


TheDoctorsWife
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:10 AM
It would be totally wrong to steal some
LadyAmaranth
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:11 AM

You have no options.

Either they get pushy or they deal with visiting his ashes as it stands now. 

mes_deux_amours
by Platinum Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:16 AM
I agree

Quoting PinkyPan:

I find it disturbing that you would consider splitting/stealing his ashes. Having his ashes does not automatically bring closure. Am I the only one to feel this way. I am sorry for you and your families loss but please plant a tree or find another way to memorialize him. I hope your family can heal.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:21 AM
Obviously you know stealing them is not an option. You could purchase a plot and headstone so you feel you have a place to visit even if his ashes aren't interred yet. Another option some cemeteries offer is a bench that can be engraved some even hold cremains. You could, also, plant a tree in his honor at a park or donate a park bench.
M0M0F03
by Silver Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:21 AM

Do you have any of his possessions? If you do, or could get some, maybe make a memory box and bury it?

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:22 AM
A few ideas 1 get a grave stone and plot for people to visit. 2 do the tree idea 3 donate a bench in his honor to a place he loved and people can go there to remember him. 4 release balloons with messages written to him on important dates (birthday or day of his passing) 5 talk to his mom about doing something like this http://www.perfectmemorials.com/cremation-jewelry/?gclid=COzThoSujLoCFYii4AodcxgAQQ
grannie_kel
by Gold Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:25 AM

I think that tampering with human ashes might get you in a whole lot of legal trouble.  It just isn't a good idea and I doubt it would help anyone. 


Quoting cfcf:

Under what charges? No I don't want to go to jail, lol. But I don't know what else to do. In fuming mad just thinking about it. It's not right that she's hoarding his remains when he has other family that need closure too.



Quoting rgba:

Pretty sure you could go to jail. Is it worth it?



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