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Family needing closure. Should I smuggle some ashes? UPDATE

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In 2010 my 23 year old step brother passed away. We were the same age and grew up together so we were close but had not been as close as we were in the passed because we had our own lives. His mother is holding his ashes and won't allow them to be split up or buried anywhere. His passing was very traumatic and sudden, and many of his family members still have not healed.

He loved his mother dearly but she is a pig. Her house is disgusting and he was embarrassed by it. The first year after his passing she kept his ashes in a shoebox. It took his fiancé coming over with an urn because she couldn't take not having him in a proper container.

I'm not fully aware of the whole situation as I don't have much of a relationship with his fiancé. However, I've seen my little sister (his sister too, same dad) and his dad suffer such pain over his passing.

My sister just left in tears because his birthday is in a few days and she had nowhere to "visit" him.

I feel like I'm the only one motivated to do something about it, but given I'm only his step sister I don't think I have a leg to stand on legally.

I feel like his ashes should be split. His mom, dad and two kids should have ashes, and the rest of the ashes need to be buried for his extended family to visit. No one feels like they've had any closure.

What can I do? Would it be a total dirtbag thing to do to sneak a scoop of the ashes and purchase a gravesite/headstone and give his father some too?

As far as my step brothers wishes, I'm not really sure if he has verbalized anything to anyone before passing. Knowing him, and his sense of humor I think he would find it hilarious if I smuggled some of his ashes.

I don't know, my heart is breaking for my sister. She asked me to take her to the river to throw some roses in...it's the only thing she can think of to memorialize him and remember him on his birthday. She would like to have a place to visit his remains. She's not comfortable visiting his ashes at his moms because its chaotic and gross over there. She is your stereotypical "welfare momma." So I don't blame her.

What options do I have?

UPDATE
thanks to those of you who were understanding and actually offered advice. Some of you are acting as if I have already taken some if his cremains.

I wrote this post moments after my sister left and my heart was breaking for her and I was mad. I've watched my step dad be consumed with guilt and become very ill over it. He is doing better now, but I wanted him to have the closure I think he needs.

You're right it's not my battle.

However, that does not change how I feel about his mother. She has done some mean spirited things to my family before his passing and I truly believe this is a control thing with her.

I'm going to look into planting a tree. My brother died of a heroin overdose. My step dad was in denial that he was actually using and that is why I think he can't heal, because he feels responsible.
by on Oct. 9, 2013 at 8:50 PM
Replies (61-69):
lenashark
by Ruby Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:53 AM

No, you shouldn't steal his ashes. She's his mother, I understand that you and your family are in pain and I am truely sorry for your loss, but you can't just go against what his mother wants to do whatever you see fit, he's her child no matter how gross her house is. Those ashes aren't where your brother is anymore. Plant a tree for him so she can go visit him there. Talk to the mother logically and see if she would be comfortable with placing some there, but in the end it should be her choice. Don't go to jail over this. Stealing human remains is a felony.

brettsmomma
by ~Tammie~ on Oct. 10, 2013 at 9:55 AM

Seriously set up a memorial in his namesake so you can go visit. She is his mom and if she chooses to keep them so be it.

Photo: -Randi.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 9 on Oct. 10, 2013 at 10:45 AM
Its also not just about you. Also he didn't leave any instructions saying he wanted them divided so that argument doesn't matter. Move on otherwise this bitterness will make it so you never grieve and never move on.while I see how having ashes or a place to spread then visit them could be comforting I wouldn't need it because the ashes are not what is important to me I don't need them to rember someone or to have closure I need the memories and love I had for that person


Quoting cfcf:

I'm not going to take any, I've decided. That still doesn't change that fact that I think she's selfish. I don't care what your reasoning is for not splitting ashes it is not only about you. My brother never made any verbal or written instructions not to divide his ashes.



If he could speak up he would be outraged that his mother was hoarding his ashes. As far as other ways to memorialize him, I'll look into it. But it won't be the same thing. It would be different if there were no remains, but there are. Keeping his ashes from his family is a form of control. Not to mention, my step dad and mother paid for the hospital bills, funeral, and cremation and they don't get a say as to whether his ashes are split are not? Why not? Why does only she have a right?




Quoting Anonymous:

That is her child. I can't stand thought of splitting the ashes. If you want somewhere to visit you don't need the ashes plant a tree donate a park bench in his name whatever. Op I get you are all hurting but it doesn't give you the right to take any of the ashes it really isn't your buisiness the only other person who has a right to them would he his dad. Though legally unless it was stated on a will she doesn't have to give him any






Quoting cfcf:

Under what charges? No I don't want to go to jail, lol. But I don't know what else to do. In fuming mad just thinking about it. It's not right that she's hoarding his remains when he has other family that need closure too.















Quoting rgba:

Pretty sure you could go to jail. Is it worth it?


Tree-Tree
by Bronze Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 10:56 AM
This is what we did when my mother passed and will do the same now that my father just passed.


Quoting RandiBear:

Maybe plant a tree with a plaque in his honor. That way "he," in a sense, will continue to grow as the years go on. Maybe like an apple tree or something that produces fruit or beautiful flowers or something.


ZombieChicken
by Platinum Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 10:59 AM
There isn't much you can do. I personally say find a way to plant a tree in his honor. Talk to your parks and rec office.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 13 on Oct. 10, 2013 at 11:02 AM
Quoting cfcf:

Under what charges? No I don't want to go to jail, lol. But I don't know what else to do. In fuming mad just thinking about it. It's not right that she's hoarding his remains when he has other family that need closure too.



Quoting rgba:Pretty sure you could go to jail. Is it worth it?


uh...stealing.... What makes you think his ashes are going to give you closure.
cfcf
by Gold Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 11:31 AM
Updated
cfcf
by Gold Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 11:35 AM
I don't need the closure. When I think about his ashes a get upset but I'm living my life since his passing. Others are not. His kids were too young and they won't even remember him, sadly. But it would have been nice if his mother thought beyond what her needs or wants were.

However, my family is so damn wishy washy I'm not even sure I have the full story. So I'm going to do the tree idea, and possibly ask her to be involved in that. I want all of his family even his mother to have a place that we can remember him at.


Quoting Anonymous:

Quoting cfcf:

Under what charges? No I don't want to go to jail, lol. But I don't know what else to do. In fuming mad just thinking about it. It's not right that she's hoarding his remains when he has other family that need closure too.







Quoting rgba:Pretty sure you could go to jail. Is it worth it?


uh...stealing.... What makes you think his ashes are going to give you closure.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 14 on Oct. 10, 2013 at 11:38 AM
I'd steal the ashes and mix them with the dirt where you plant a tree so that was everyone who can't go to his moms can go to the tree and know part of him is there.
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