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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Queen of England is Taking back the U.S!!

Posted by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 4:27 PM
  • 49 Replies
3 moms liked this

 

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
  2. The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.
  3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
  4. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.
  5. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
  6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
  7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.
  8. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
  9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
  10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
  11. The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
  12. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
  13. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
  14. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
  15. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
  16. You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).
  17. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
  18. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
  19. An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
  20. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Thank you for your cooperation.

~Amanda~

by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 4:27 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amandacr1026
by Silver Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 4:28 PM

I think this is pretty funny :) But who wouldn't have a problem with England taking back control?

olliesmommy2
by Metal Awareness on Oct. 10, 2013 at 4:30 PM
Hehe. I can't read the whole thing now, my son will not stop hollering.
Mrs-Somerhalder
by Blake on Oct. 10, 2013 at 4:30 PM
Lmao
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
thetrollcat
by Meow on Oct. 10, 2013 at 4:31 PM
1 mom liked this

well I wish she would take back all states except Wyoming, North Dakota, and Montana. Ill throw in Idaho too. The rest of them she can have them

Curlyswirlymom
by on Oct. 10, 2013 at 4:32 PM
1 mom liked this

It is funny.  But as much as I love the English, I would not want to be back under their rule. 

Quoting amandacr1026:

I think this is pretty funny :) But who wouldn't have a problem with England taking back control?



Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Oct. 10, 2013 at 4:32 PM
1 mom liked this

Near frozen Gnats Urine lol Yummy.  Football players a bunch of nancies lol. That was funny op thanks.

RiotousDigits
by Ruby Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 4:33 PM

I wouldn't be opposed to British rule.  If some think we've got it bad now under Obama, just wait...

As for #15.  Superman is British.  Can you get anymore "good guy?"

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Oct. 10, 2013 at 4:33 PM
1 mom liked this
Stupid and offensive.
EntrepeneurMom
by The Major on Oct. 10, 2013 at 4:36 PM
British Mel approves this letter. *salutes*
my4kids274
by Ruby Member on Oct. 10, 2013 at 4:37 PM

I lived in England for a few years and my oldest son was born there.  We actually really enjoyed our time there.  The best part was that I met my husband and married him while I was there. 

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