Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Forgiving someone

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 24 Replies
Do you think it's fair to forgive someone for something and then a year or two later decide you haven't forgiven them?

We've been together 3 years and have 2 kids together. We also each have kids from previous marriages.

Originally SO had a porn account (i have no problem with porn) where you have friends and can contact/ look at videos etc. Then he deleted it and made one with my name (weird....)
My SO had various dating/hook-up sites from 2 years ago he would go on. He said he was just looking but he was asking for pics etc. He was also trying to chat on Google with a 'spambot'. Then last year he was on a few more hook-up/ dating sites but never contacted/chatted with anyone.
I was pretty upset about him being on hookup sites. Especially because we were happy and have a great sex life. I especially get upset that he would say he'd never do it again and then boom a few months later he'd have another account.

Anyway I forgave him and he hasn't been on one (I think) for a year and a half but I don't trust him at all and I feel like I am settling because we have 2 kids together. Also he said I can look at his phone anytime (and vice versa) but he gets really annoyed and irritable if I do. (like twice a year). He makes me feel like I'm an insecure paranoid person (Which I am I guess) He used to lie a lot too about stupid things, mainly money. Also he omitted a past sexual encounter he had a month before me which wouldn't matter so much but it caused him to bring an std into our relationship. I just feel unhappy and stuck being in a relationship where I don't trust who I'm with and I don't know if I ever will. However, I'm also scared I'll now bring these insecurities into my next relationship if I ever got around to dating again. (My ex-husband never did any of this kind of stuff, so I'm not used to it.)
Do you think I'm being to hard? Am I insecure and paranoid? Is it fair to forgive someone then 'take it back'.?

So now I'm 30 with 3 kids and in a relationship with a man I don't trust. Should I settle and marry or take some (probably a lot of) time to myself and probably find an even lower quality man that's willing to date a mom with 3 kids?

eta: He's a good father if a bit lazy, and works hard at his job.


Sorry so long!!!
Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 11, 2013 at 10:31 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
sarasunshine99
by Silver Member on Oct. 11, 2013 at 10:35 AM
1 mom liked this

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift.  Live in the moment, what happened in the past is over, done and can't be changed.  Holding a resentment is unhealthy and can be deadly.  Let it go and move on.  Focus on your own well being, by making sure you're balanced, both you and your children will be much happier.  Good Luck! 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 11, 2013 at 10:40 AM
I really do want to let go and forgive. I know it's not good to hold resentment. I guess I'm worried that we'll get married and he'll start going on hook-up sites again or cheating and I'll be angry at myself and say 'Well what did you think was going to happen genius?'

Maybe I should go to counseling?


Quoting sarasunshine99:

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift.  Live in the moment, what happened in the past is over, done and can't be changed.  Holding a resentment is unhealthy and can be deadly.  Let it go and move on.  Focus on your own well being, by making sure you're balanced, both you and your children will be much happier.  Good Luck! 


sarasunshine99
by Silver Member on Oct. 11, 2013 at 10:43 AM

I see a therapist once a week.  My husband comes with me once a month for a couples session.  For me, therapy is not optional.  It's an absolute game changer and I could not imagine my life without it.  


Quoting Anonymous:

I really do want to let go and forgive. I know it's not good to hold resentment. I guess I'm worried that we'll get married and he'll start going on hook-up sites again or cheating and I'll be angry at myself and say 'Well what did you think was going to happen genius?'

Maybe I should go to counseling?


Quoting sarasunshine99:

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift.  Live in the moment, what happened in the past is over, done and can't be changed.  Holding a resentment is unhealthy and can be deadly.  Let it go and move on.  Focus on your own well being, by making sure you're balanced, both you and your children will be much happier.  Good Luck! 




Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 11, 2013 at 10:59 AM
Bump.
Nicoleb9
by Emerald Member on Oct. 11, 2013 at 11:02 AM
1 mom liked this
Sounds like he never truly took responsibility for the lies and is now trying to guilt trip you out of taking him up on his own offer to check his phone, meaning the offer was likely lip service only.

Don't let him turn this around on you, but at the same time, don't give forgiveness until you're actually ready to give it.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Oct. 11, 2013 at 11:05 AM
I really needed to hear this, thank you.

Quoting sarasunshine99:

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift.  Live in the moment, what happened in the past is over, done and can't be changed.  Holding a resentment is unhealthy and can be deadly.  Let it go and move on.  Focus on your own well being, by making sure you're balanced, both you and your children will be much happier.  Good Luck! 

happymommy1105
by Silver Member on Oct. 11, 2013 at 11:13 AM
1 mom liked this

i would leave. 

but i'm not really the person to ask-i am in the process of leaving my SO for similar problems.  Cause I deserve to be treated with respect and I deserve to be withsomebody who values me.

Blooming_Lotus
by Platinum Member on Oct. 11, 2013 at 11:18 AM
1 mom liked this
Forgiveness has to do with you. It is for you, not for him. You have not yet forgiven him. There is no harm in thinking you were at peace with it and realizing you are not. Be honest with your emotions. Look after them and hold them as if they were a crying child. Do not attempt to cast them away. Just sit with them and look deeply into them and forgiveness, understanding and peace will come.

Reconciliation is something entirely different. I don't think reconciliation is possible without the hurtful actions ceasing and the trust returning. Reconciliation does not need to happen for forgiveness to take place.

I would highly recommend the book Creating True Peace: Ending Violence in Yourself, Your Family, Your Community, and the World By Thich Nhat Hanh
It is a wonderful book for looking deeply at our suffering and understanding it and finding forgiveness and peace.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 11, 2013 at 11:35 AM
I definitely understand feeling that way.


Quoting happymommy1105:

i would leave. 

but i'm not really the person to ask-i am in the process of leaving my SO for similar problems.  Cause I deserve to be treated with respect and I deserve to be withsomebody who values me.


Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 11, 2013 at 11:36 AM
I will check it out, thanks.


Quoting Blooming_Lotus:

Forgiveness has to do with you. It is for you, not for him. You have not yet forgiven him. There is no harm in thinking you were at peace with it and realizing you are not. Be honest with your emotions. Look after them and hold them as if they were a crying child. Do not attempt to cast them away. Just sit with them and look deeply into them and forgiveness, understanding and peace will come.



Reconciliation is something entirely different. I don't think reconciliation is possible without the hurtful actions ceasing and the trust returning. Reconciliation does not need to happen for forgiveness to take place.



I would highly recommend the book Creating True Peace: Ending Violence in Yourself, Your Family, Your Community, and the World By Thich Nhat Hanh

It is a wonderful book for looking deeply at our suffering and understanding it and finding forgiveness and peace.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)