*Update- Day 50 on pg 21* Sobering up. Alcoholism. About to go tell DH the house is dry & I need his help.... I need support & guidance.....
It started off w/ a Bud Light here & there. That soon progressed to more frequently. I found Joose, a 24 oz can, to be an easy buzz. That progressed over the years to swearing that off & buying Strawberitas + a few drinks (couple of Rolling Rocks or Bicardis). Not eating too much during the day to get to that point. Drinking more & more.
I have a family history! I need to stop. I want to stop.
It is hard to admit I have a problem.
Come 4 PM I am opening the first can.
I don't want my kids to grow up w/ an alcoholic mother.
The house is dry. No more alcohol.
Tonight I drank: 1 Lime-a-rita (24 oz), 2 Raz Bicardis (12 oz), & 2 Rolling Rocks (pints), and 3/4 a bottle of wine.
I DO have a problem.
I drink more than DH or anyone knows. I have never hidden it fron DH. He doesn't even know though. My family? Yes I have isolated myself & cut off invites over or dinners out, I do not think they know why.
I need to/have to/want to stop!!
Tonight is the night!
I have tried this in the past, only to stop for 5 days!
I know about Rational Recovery & found that extremely useful & will definitely use this that site & info this time again.
I am going to tell DH, after he gets the kids to bed & I shower, tonight that I am done! D.o.n.e!! That is scary to say! Given my friends & our gatherings!
Maybe I need new friends?!?!
Anyway, I am going to ask for his help! Help to keep me accountable, on track, support, etc! I will also be downsizing my purse so I cannot 'hide' 24 oz drinks it it after purchasing, I will no longer carry my debit or credit card but only my drivers license so I cannot & will not stop to buy drinks!
I really need support. I really do! My insides hurt. I lose sleep over thinking , wondering & worrying about the damage I have done.
I am only 31 years old. Way too young to worry about this stuff.
I sit in church & listen to the message and come out feeling so empowered. This is MY week! I WILL kick this ADDICTION!
I need more help than my husband can give though! I want help, support, kind words from fellow CM members that are in my shoes or have been there.
This IS not & will NOT be easy. I know this!
I would appreciate any literature that may help (I do plan on reading : The Toxic Triangle: Eating, Drinking, & Overthinking).
I WANT support! I NEED support!
I will update daily my progress.
Here goes nothing: T negative 20 minutes til I finally reveal the true me, asking for help, and getting help / better.
10-13 8:30 AM
It was a busy AM getting the kids ready for school & DH & them out the door. I peeked into the room as he was helping our son get dressed & just said there was no more alcohol in the house & I needed his support. I started to get emotional but felt relieved I got it off my chest. He just called & asked if it had gotten worse & I said yes I do think so. He also mentioned the extra stops to the local grocery store & said that needed to stop, which I agreed with. Feeling positive going into the day & know as this afternoon gets closer I will probably start to feel anxious & want it. I threw out my 2 big yellow Dickie's cups I always used, this morning.
I am debating going to my doctor but wonder what she would even do for me other than suggest I go to AA or a center? What do you think she would suggest / why are others suggesting I go to the doctor?
3:15PM- I haven't been as consummed with thinking about it as I figured I would be. Sure I have thought about it but not nearly as much as I figured I would. I see little things that remind me of drinking, when I drank last, etc. Like the big yellow cup I plan to throw out disposable things to help stay on the right path. I asked DH if he would stop at the store to get some medicine for the kids (Tylenol) since we needed to stock up. I let him know that if I only take my driver's license I cannot stop & buy alcohol. He didn't respond before I left for work so I took my wallet & stopped only at Family Dollar! I continued to drive on past convenient stores & the grocery store! Feeling good! I will be headed home in 10 minutes & feel like that is when I will really feel the urge and habit.
7:55- Dh sent me a nice email earlier asking specifically how he can help. He came home from work & had made a nice meal & sat down with the family & actually enjoyed the food w/out feeling like it was going to kill my buzz. I am hanging out w/ DH & the kids, something I normally would not have done. I always hung out in the kitchen & woould never go sit w/ my cup where DH was.
It feels really, really good to be present & participate with my family.
I have thought about alcohol. I was very near one of the places I kept bottles & cans &, for an 1/8 of a second, so badly wanted to look in there & see if there was maybe just one can I had accidently overlooked. I knew better than that & didn't even look. I walked away.
Dh & I just briefly talked & he was surprised when I said if we stop to get the kids treats at the gas station maybe he would go in, maybe we won't even go anymore & that I always came out with stuff in my purse & that I would be downsizing a different purse. He was very surprised at that. That surprises me since he looks at the credit & debit card statement monthly.
When I mentioned the certains friends house he asked if I could just have one or two. At this point I don't even want to think about when or if I will ever drink again. It is nothing that I should even entertain the idea of. I think it would cause a total tailspin & instantly set myself back to drinking heavily again. I will not do that ever again.
I need to take it a day at a time. Today was easier than I expected it to be. I know tomorrow is a new day & could be worse & I need to prepare myself for that & take it a day, minute, even a second at a time.
Thanks again for the suggested books, offers to PM & chat, personal stories & pep talks!
I am looking forward to sleeping well tonight, that isn't often anymore that I do past 1 AM.
2:30- having a good day! Slept decent though about as usual since I substituted water in place of my past drinks :)
I scared myself when I got to thinking about stopping at the store for lettuce. Not feeling ready I decided we won't be having taco salads for dinner but something that won't require a stop to the store.
After some thought I did decide to schedule an appt with my dr. I go Thursday at 8. I am not going to get a prescription. I more want her to answer some questions I am having & hopefully she will give me some good feedback & tips on things to help me succeed.
I am still leaning towards no to AA & that being a very last resort, I cannot pinpoint why aside from the small town I live in I am feeling against it.
I do not think I am in denial.
I am feeling strong & determined!
It was so nice to wake up & not have to worry & wonder if I smelled like the night before!!
I actually sat down w/ my 5 yr old & wrote with him and I think he really enjoyed that!
Hopefully after dinner we will play Kinect as a family or spend some time together!
Woke up feeling good & confident this morning. My side is still hurting on & off under my right rib. I am glad I made an appt with my dr.
Dh & I had a great talk last night. I am starting to be more open with him, slowly. He has been asking questions. He asked if I thought I was an alcoholic. I told him yes.
This is way more severe than he had any idea about. He is being very supportive & actually said maybe he should look online for more ways to help me.
My body feels good. I don't think I am going through withdrawals at all & my actual cravings have been very minimal. It is more like the triggers or things that I connect to drinking. I took my kids to a gas station & let them get a candy bar. This was a big step for me & I was hesitant at first but we went in & out w/out me so much as glancing back to 'my' old section.
Dh talked about me having a few drinks here & there & I said I wasn't even going to allow myself to think like that. I am done drinking. He supports that. He said he would still like to have a Mike's here & there (always at a friends house) and I agreed that is fine, he shouldn't have to stop having a drink here and there the very few times out of the year he actually does. He has never bought alcohol for himself so I don't have to worry about that at all.
We talked about gatherings with friends since they are always centered around alcohol. We decided that we will cross that bridge when it gets here. I agreed that I do not want to be the bummed out sober person though I know it won't be as much fun!
Feeling good! Even down a couple of pounds since I am eating better, drinking more water & have worked out the past few days!
Today has been another good day. I had my appt this AM & am glad I went. She seemed to care & listen. She said given the length of my battle w/ alcohol & what I have been drinking she highly doubted it has done any inernal damage. She did order labs & did 2 others that aren't done often specifically looking at the pancreas & a sensitive liver enzyme. I didn't hear back from her & that frustrates me.
I think she thinks I am depressed. She mentioned putting me on a certain (possibly the generic term for celexa) medicine. I told her I would like to not jummp from one thing to another, I would like to wait & see if there is an underlying issue then go from there. She asked a few times if I felt sad, anxious, didn't want to go to work, etc.
Until the labs came back she said ibuprofen or aleve would be fine to take if I need something (remember me saying I was scared to take a tylenol if I had a headache?) down the road.
She did suggest AA. She gave me 2 local numbers to call & said the support would be beneficial with the mental & psychological thoughts I will be having.
She checked me out, said I didn't show any signs of tremors, showed me what to look for with signs & symptoms & said my liver definitely doesn't feel enlarged.
I read up on alcoholism & alcohol abuse last night & feel like I could fit in either category, mainly the 2nd one. My dr & I talked about that & she asked where I thought I fit, I told her. I then asked where she thought I fit. She said with my family history the line was very grey. I told her if I define myself as an alcoholic it is easier for me to accept there will be no alcohol but if I use 'alcohol abuser' I could easily see myself allowing alcohol, thinking I could handle it in moderation & slipping back to where I was.
Dh & I talked some more tonight. He actually got a bit teary eyed & said he is mad at himself for not being more aggressive basically with me when it was starting to get to be more frequent. He had no idea I was hiding it in my purse tho he could see why since if I were to bring it in a sack he would roll his eyes. That he cares an awful lot about me. He seemed angry tonight. He said he wasn't. I'm not sure if me saying the dr suggested AA made it all the more real or what.
We talked about me not stopping at gas stations to get the kids treats. He seemed to genuinely think that is why we stopped, I told him that was my excuse to stop. I've got to be able to stop at those places, past triggers, without purchasing things. We agreed the kids don't need those type of treats often anyway.
We also talked about him having a Mike's here & there. I said if he were to come home w/ it it would be disrespectful since he has never done that, for himself ever, in the past 13 years so why would he now?! He agreed he never would but was referring to parties outside of the house. That I need to have a game plan instead of just waiting til we are somewhere people are drinking. I reminded him I won't be the bummed out sober person jealous of other drinking. I will find something special to have in my hand (italian soda, chai tea). I don't want to consider non alcoholic drinks as an option.
We even discussed communion at church. I will take grape juice, not that I even like wine!
Which reminds me, a friend has an annual girls wine party. Will I go? Not go? Be the DD for people? This usually happens in February so I have sometime to prepare & think about it.
Still feeling good & strong! I think I was finally ready! Finally in the right mindset!
We spent time w/ my family tonight & it was nice to not be chopping at the bit to get home & drink but instead spend time visiting!
I took a walk today & was down a couple more pounds! I even went second hand store shopping & bought 3 pairs of size 11/12 jeans! Feels good!
My dr congratulated me & that felt good!
Another good day! My sister came over & I had plans to go to lunch & shopping in a neighboring town. I was glad to have those plans and not be sitting at home thinking about it. I did have a moment where I started thinking, for a split second, what it would taste like & the buzz I could porbably get off the first drink. Only for a split second before I shut myself off from thinking like that & turned to something positve! That felt good! I am not having little battles in my head like the last time I tried to quit!
Also as I was putting laundry away I realized this is the new normal, doing stuff especially on a Friday night- SOBER! I was okay with that & didn't sulk or feel bummed out!
Dh rented a movie & I made a comment about actually staying up late & watching it and not falling alseep super fast, like I used to.
The nurse called me back this AM & said my bloodwork looked good except for my AST (apartate amino transfarase) was a little elevated. The dr wanst overly concerned & wants me to get rechecked in 2 to 3 months. I marked my calendar for 2 months. I am very botherd by this & very scared. I wonder if this is why my side hurts (it has been on & off for 4 years, though this time it is higher & in a dufferent spot typically). Anyway, she was talking so fast & saying the letters so I was very confused. I called back & had them post the results online so I could try to research it. Normal range is 0-30, mine is 47. My glucose was high (128, normal range is 70-110) but she didn't mention that.
I am trying to not stress too much about it & figure if my dr was concerned she would have called me, requested a CT scan or started some treatment & that (hopefully) she figures with me quitting drinking the number will go down. This is even more of an incentive to never drink again!
Another good day though. It feels really, really good to feel in control!
Thanks agin for those reading & keeping up.
Sometimes I am tempted to not update but hope it might help someone and like the support!
Eventually I might share this w/ DH.
Saturday. We spent a lot of time at the house today, getting odds & ends done. I thought about how much more fun it would be to go thru the motions of the housework while having a buzz. I never once got the urge to run to the store or even let myself think about what it would taste like. I continued thru the motions & plugged away.
I've been thinking about the 'pink cloud' someone mentioned & wonder if the bottom is going to drop out & I am going to start to feel like I am losing control. So far, so good. I have felt strong, in control & fine.
I am still very concerned about my AST being elevated. I think I am just going to have to call my dr Monday to get some reassurance or at least some clarification. My side has continued to hurt. It almost feels like a bruise, though it isn't constant. On my ultrasounds my liver looked fine & not fatty. Maybe I just need to do the CT scan to put my mind to ease & maybe find a reason for the pain. I haven't been eating that great these past days so that doesn't help I am sure.
I can remember after my grandpa had been diagnosed with & was dying from liver cancer, him sitting in his recliner. He told my grandma his side hurt & he wanted some pain meds & pointed to his side, I can still picture him doing that. My pain isn't in the same place so that is sad but comforting.
A biggy coming up on the 26th is a tenative girls night out or overnight stay somewhere. I already offered to drive if it happens. I feel ready but don't know if it is too soon to test the waters. It is still a week away & I am not afraid to say no to the overnight part or the night out. I trust these gals & really like them. I would obviously have to tell them what is going on with me. I will eventually anyway as they are my core group. The one gal said her & her husband were cutting back on alcohol and 'sobering up' and trying to lose weight. I think she would be great to have support me. There is a time & a place though for this discussion & I don't want to be the wet blanket on their fun night. This is my new normal & I will have to learn to enjoy myself while sober (heck maybe I would & won't have to learn!) And they will have to accept me for that!
I am tired and ready to sleep. Tomorrow I plan to browse Ebay & Amazon for some motivational / support books or inspirational books!
I am feeling like I have really accomplished a big feat this week! Making it a whole seven days! One week! I am proud of myself!! It is pretty awesome to be able to think back to 1 week ago & where I was at! Mentally, physically, emotionally! Quite the progress I have made. I only hope & pray my strength continues!
I did have a spell today where I got mad over something silly (dh got paint on my Columbia snow jacket). I was furious. I, for whatever reason, started thinking about 'if I were drunk right now, how would I have reacted?'. Initially I thought I would have blown it off & it wouldn't have been a big deal. OR I started to think I may have gotten all emotional, cursed, and acted very childish. I sat in the bathroom, thinking, calmed down & reminded myself it is just a jacket. I then went & scrubbed it.
Alcohol made me react in different ways, often towards the end, the height of my usage mean, nasty, emotional.... not the true me. It is nice to see the sober me react & be able to control myself without blaming the alcohol!
I ate horrible today. My side hurts, high & low. I drank a lot of pop (diet & regular) too, something I have been limiting.
I am ready to start fresh tomorrow.
I thought a lot about being alcohol free in church today. With the upcoming night out with my girlfriends I thought about if, what, how I will tell them. How they'll react. Will they ask a ton of questions. Be surprised or confess they suspected something. Will I cry & put a damper on the night. Will they reach out to me afterwards & check in on me or will they pull away from me. Will they tell their husbands or other friends. I am nervous but ready & know this eventually will happen.
It feels weird to say 'I am an alcoholic'. Dramatic almost.
I accidently (honestly) took wine at communion. Dark is wine, light is grape juice. They always have grape juice in the inner ring, not today. I am not considering it a setback, it was communion. I will make a point of not letting that happen again. Dh offered to point out grape juice next time!
He found out an old co worker is having major liver problems, stemming from being an alcoholic! He never suspected a thing. This guy was a good worker, kept a job, has a wife, etc. I feel my friends will feel as surprised as he did.
I am going to call my dr tomorrow or email her to get some answers to that high level in my labs. I'd like to hear her opinion instead of analyzing & re-analyzing for 2 months. I am nervous. I need to hear something though.
I am still so worried I have damaged my liver or pancreas. That is enough to keep me sober.
For a split second my thoughts can turn to drinking but I am easily able to divert those thoughts. I am thankful for that.
I am feeling good heading into this next week. Dh will be gone overnight later this week & I am nervous about that. I have plans for a friends & her kids to cocme over for dinner one night, I need to keep myself busy. He gets back late the next night so I should ask my sister over for dinner or take the kids out or go swimming.
Thanks to those keeping up w/ my updates!
Not really much for an update today. I was not tempted to stop but have thought about it on & off. I had the kids a little longer while DH was at work. They cooperated well. We sat down & ate together, took the trash down together, I read to the youngest & let themm watch a little bit of a movie before bed. They behaved better than usual, I can't help but think it is because I was present & participated, interacted with them tonight. I like that!
I emailed my doctore and she replied with 'mildly elevated.... should go down with quitting alcohol.... not really concerned but will recheck in December'. This was very positive news & what I needed to hear! My side hasn't hurt as frequently as it has this past week, still there though.
I am still thinking about the upcoming conversation with my friends & how it will go. I struggle with what I will say and find myself stopping, pausing, going back when I start to say 'i have been like a closet alcoholic....'. I need to omit 'like'.
I don't understand why you can just USED to be an alcoholic.
I mean once and alcoholic, always an alcoholic? Would I sound foolish to say 'was'?
My friend has a birthday coming up, she likes her wine & that's what I think to buy her.
Oddly I feel confident that I could go to Walgreens & buy a bottle of wine & that's it. Be okay with it. Not feel like I have been trieggered & set into a downward spiral. Any input on this theory? Can an alcoholic who just comes out to her close friends she is one turn around & 10 minutes later give a bottle of wine as a gift? How does that look?
Feeling fine, on top of things, very on track!
Hard to believe this is day 9. I hate to get the horse before the carriage but I am feeling very good! Very positive, full of strength, and happy! My side pain has been very minimal & at this point all the signs make me think it was alcohol related & my liver was angry! I could be wrong!
I rewarded myself with some new nose rings today! I was also going to get a Starbucks chocolate Chai Tea but I ran out of time! I hadn't planned to reward my being sober so maybe it was just a good excuse to spend a few bucks on me :)
I saw a lady buying beer at the grocery store & wondered what she is going though, if she would drink the entire 6 pk, was it even for her, would she savor one or two?
I think alcoholism is more common & such a secret in women!
I remember a friend saying, at a birthday party at 3 PM on a Sunday nonetheless, that with three young kids if she could drink often or at 3 PM she probably would (something along those lines, I plan to ask her if she remembers & what she said). Anyway, as she said it she was totally describing ME! I felt so secretive knowing she was describing me & nobody knew.
I DID buy a bottle of wine today for that friends birthday I mentioned! I grabbed mascato. I know she likes wine. I struggled with if I should or not (read day 8 update). I decided to buy things I know she likes & enjoys & that my problems have nothing to do with her. I want my friends to know that I know what they like & gift them that way! I have absolutely no urge to open it & chug it myself. I do keep my mind away from wondering what it would taste like though.
I am enjoying little things now too! Not feeling like I should always be chewing a piece of gum incase I smell. Sleeping on my side at night that faces DH w/out worrying if he was gagging in his sleep from the smell of beer or whatever alcohol was on my breath (afterall, who was I kidding drinking Mikes, Bicardis, Smirnoff thinking it didn't smell & he wouldn't detect it? It all smells!). Not wondering if my eyes look like little pea holes & are all bloodshot. Eating throughout the day & enjoying food, not eating like a bird for a better buzz. Staying up a little later & spending time with DH instead of falling asleep hard once my head hit the pillow! Just a few perks to being sober!
Onto day 10! A friend is coming over for dinner tomorrow night so I will be curious to see if the topic comes up!
2:30 PM- having sort of a down day. Dh left for a business trip & will be back late tomorrow. I, for whatever reason, almost tend to pick stupid fights & we don't seem to communicate as well. Right off the bat he didn't call before hitting the road w/ 4 women & one other guy. I called, knowing he wouldn't be able to chat long being in the car but figured if he answered he was able to. He answered & and it was just a shitty call. It left me feeling crappy & I started a pity party for myself. I climbed in bed after work & cried. I thought about how this could (be an excuse) send me into a tailspin. I debated on telling DH that when he called, feeling it wasn't fair to say that & put it on him. He called, another unpleasant conversation & I said 'stupid shit like this is what could easily send me in a downward spiral.' I don't curse often, only when super upset. He immediately called me out on putting that on him. Rightly so, I had rationalized that from the time I even thought about saying it.
Point being I am upset. I just needed to have a good cry, rehash the call ten thousand times in my head. I think I will go do some housework before picking the kids up from school.
No, I do not & never intended to go out and buy alcohol.
This, in a way, has been a lesson for me on how to better communicate & handle things. My thoughts of alcohol were that it would make me feel numb & not care. Although I suspect I would have become way more emotional, nasty, mean & played the victim even more.
Sigh, feeling a little better.
Another day in the books! I continue to feel good! I was a little worried about how last night would go but it went fine! I had a friend & her kids over and they left a little after 7. I got my kids to bed & was able to chat online w/ a friend for quite awhile! I need that, to be busy!
My side pain has been very minimal! Now that I think about it it hasn't hurt at all today! What a relief! Let's hope my elevate level is going down as well!
I took a quick nap after work but decided instead of snoozing longer I would take my dog for a jog / walk! I am so glad I did! I think exercise and getting outside will be good for me to clear my head!
I've been questioning these past few days if I will be able to enjoy a drink here & there down the road? Why would I even have these thoughts? But will I?
It is nothing I am even thinking about, setting a date for. I did have to get myself back on track when I started thinking about the taste of Ranger! I was able to get get my head straight!
The doctors office JUST called with my cholesterol results (I went in this AM & will meet my other dr for my annual lady exam)! Anyway, my levels have improved once again! I am very excited about that since I was dreading going in! And my metabolic panel (liver included!) Was NORMAL!
I have it set up to tell my 3 close friends what's going on w/ me Saturday night & I know it'll feel good to get it off my chest! I tried to talk to one of them last night but the kids were around & it just wasn't the right time!
The call today was motivation to keep on keeping on!
THANKS AGAIN FOR READING MY UPDATES, THE SUPPORT & GOOD VIBES!
My elevated AST level (47, normal range is 0-37) has gone down & is within normal range!!!!! It is 32!
And my glucose (that was high from not fasting, 128 normal range is 70-110) was a normal 86!
I am thrilled with these results!
Not much of an update today. I've reflected on the past 12 days & this being my 2nd Friday SOBER! Feels good! I haven't not drank for this long in probably over 4 1/2 years! It feels so good! I feel very strong!
I did take the kids to a convenient store where I used to buy my drinks. Yesterday I was, oddly, craving a Dr Pepper so I treated myself to one while the kids got a treat. It felt nice to look forward to that treat, okay the calorie swap in my head & enjoy it! I wondered if the cashiers that always used to ring up my booze was wondering why I wasn't buying any! They had to have known I had a problem, as hard as I tried to shop at different store & time it out making it seem like I didn't!
Anyway, I did peek down the aisle but didn't allow myself to go down it or near it! Really testing myself! Feels good to be strong!
Dh rented a movie & I look forward to relaxing with him.
I am not depressed but I just feel lazy. I've actually sat down & watched t.v instead of being busy & just listening to it. My house is clean like it was before I was drinking & cleaning to keep busy in the kitchen to drink!
I have my words ready to tell my friends & am able to say 'i am an alcoholic' without using the word 'like' in there!