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Torn between my family and SO

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 39 Replies
My SO and I have been together for almost 3 years and we have a 4 month old together. In the beginning, my family really liked him and he liked them as well. Then, at my baby shower his mom thought she heard my mom making fun of her. His mom has brain damage so her speech doesn't sound the same, and she acts a little different than she did before she got sick. SO was FURIOUS when his parents told him about it, said he never wanted to speak to my mother again unless it was to make fun of her for being fat and lazy and making fun of someone who is actually disabled. He was so angry with me, told me he didn't know if he could be with someone with such a terrible mother. The thing is, I don't know if I even believe it. I 100% believe his mom thinks she heard something, but I'm not 100% sure my mom said what she thinks she said.
And that's because my sister was mentally disabled. She was born with a rare disease and didn't live past 3 weeks. My parents were devastated. So I don't know why my mom would make fun of someone who's mentally disabled when her own daughter that she lost at such a young age was mentally disabled as well. It doesn't make sense to me.
However, my mom has never been a great mom or a great person for that matter. We've never had a good relationship. She was on prescription drugs (OxyContin, Percocet, Xanax, etc) for most of my childhood and therefore mentally and emotionally absent. She spent over $20,000 on home shopping networks and put our family in so much debt we had to declare bankruptcy and our home went into foreclosure. My dad tried to stay with her for a year after that to try and fix things, try and break her of her addiction and bad habits, but nothing changed so he left her. SO knows this and he knows how much it hurt me as a child and has continued to hurt me as an adult. She went to rehab a while ago, but is back on her meds.
Anyways, only a few days after we found this out and SO was giving me the cold shoulder, I went jnto labor. SO told me he did not want my mom coming to the hospital, and if she did he would leave and not come back. I didn't tell my mother I went into labor, and I did not invite her to the hospital because I didn't want any drama ruining my first days with my beautiful new baby. However, I still felt guilty even though she's never been a good mom and I didn't even know if I wanted her before all of this happened. But like I said, I didn't want any drama. The most important thing was that my son was in a happy environment, my mom would meet him eventually. And eventually she did, but for the past 4 months SO and my mom haven't spoken and he still has so much hate for her.
Today SO dropped me off at her house so I could see my brother who's in town because my car has a flat tire. He walked me up to the door with the baby, and when my mom opened the door she wouldn't even make eye contact with him. I knew that SO was trying to break the tension by showing his face around her house, and he was hoping for her to at least say hello to him. I walked inside and said "do you wanna say hi to my brothers?" They all waved awkwardly and SO left, I felt horrible. His family is so kind to me. 5 minutes later he called me telling me he didn't want to put me in the middle of this, but he was very hurt that my mom couldn't even look him in the eye and they needed to talk and hash this out. I told him I completely agree and I would talk to her. But when I did, she said she didn't want to talk about it with him because she's done nothing wrong but she would be civil with him.
Later he came to pick me up. My brothers and I were outside and they both said hi to him, asked him how he was doing, said it's been to long. We put the baby in the car and left. As SO was pulling out of my moms apartment complex, he asked if I talked to my mom. I said yes and nothing else because I didn't want to fight AGAIN about how she said she didn't do it. So he starts SCREAMING at me about how he doesn't deserve this, how my mom is a dumb c*nt and his mom did nothing to deserve this, how he doesn't know if he can be with me because my family is so shitty, how he's just going to crash the car. That really f***ing pissed me off because our son was in the backseat and he's done nothing to deserve this. He said he can tell by my brother's body language (my older one) that he doesn't like him, I told him that my brother wants no bad feelings between them which is true, he told me that! He continued to scream at me the whole way home. When we got home I went to our room to nurse our son. I was laying in bed with him when he came in and started screaming at me again. I covered my sons ears and sternly, but not loudly, told him "don't yell like this in front of the baby" he said "fine but tell me WHY does your family do this to me and my family?" I just shook my head. I've apologized for my family's actions over and over and OVER again. I've asked my family to be nice to him OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. THERE IS NOTHING MORE TO DO. So he just keeps yelling "WHY!?" Then says "if you don't have an answer for me, then I can't do this, were fucking done"
Were fine when we don't see my family, I don't bring them up, and I don't talk to them. I feel like I have to choose between him and my family. I hate this, I'm so torn. My mom is not a good mom, but she's still my mom. And my brothers have done nothing wrong and I love them both so much. I don't know what to do. Someone please help. And PLEASE NO BASHING I've been through enough tonight, I don't need it, I just need some advice but I was very hesitant to post this.
Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 16, 2013 at 1:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
TotallyTweedles
by Gold Member on Oct. 16, 2013 at 1:23 AM
1 mom liked this
Counseling all around. There is a lot of damage both real and exaggerated at this point. You need someone on the outside to be the voice of reason. Best wishes for you all.
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 16, 2013 at 1:24 AM

My dh cut all ties with his mom and his sister and father for the things they have done to me and him ,Sometimes you have to pick your husband over your mother .If you want your marriage then you cut all ties with them ,or your tell your mother to fix it with his mother and him or your cutting all ties with her .Your husband and son should be number one .GL

kmjmlj
by Silver Member on Oct. 16, 2013 at 1:26 AM
That's just stuid reasoning, you didn't do anything. I would tell him there's the door feel free to exit. If he's threatening to leave you then he doesn't want to be with you any way. I wouldn't put up with it personally.
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Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 16, 2013 at 1:26 AM
I would be upset with your mom if it was believed to be absolutely TRUE but why is taking it out on you? He should lean on you, vent? Sure but screaming at you? No. He sounds immature 'if you dont have an answer' crap, id be mad at him.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 16, 2013 at 1:27 AM
I agree with you completely. Were on a tight budget right now though, with me not working. Even if I did work, my paycheck wouldn't even cover daycare so it's not worth it. After we pay our bills, groceries, and everything our LO needs, we don't have enough left over for counseling. It's actually pretty expensive, and our insurance doesn't cover couples therapy.


Quoting TotallyTweedles:

Counseling all around. There is a lot of damage both real and exaggerated at this point. You need someone on the outside to be the voice of reason. Best wishes for you all.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 16, 2013 at 1:29 AM
My mom does want to fix things with his mom, but SO told me if she's just going to deny that she said it, then he doesn't want her near his mom. So I'm stuck, she said she will apologize for hurting her feelings because she misheard something, but she will not apologize for making fun of her because she didn't do it.


Quoting Anonymous:

My dh cut all ties with his mom and his sister and father for the things they have done to me and him ,Sometimes you have to pick your husband over your mother .If you want your marriage then you cut all ties with them ,or your tell your mother to fix it with his mother and him or your cutting all ties with her .Your husband and son should be number one .GL


Sassy762
by CAFE SASSY HBIC on Oct. 16, 2013 at 1:30 AM

You guys need a mediator to solve this. Is there anyone that can be impartial to both families...like a friend???

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Oct. 16, 2013 at 1:31 AM
I am mad at him, and he feels like I have no right to be and I should be doing everything I can to make this right, but I didn't do anything wrong! I can apologize for what happened or what his family thinks happened, but I can't force my mom to do anything! She's a grown woman and makes her own decisions.


Quoting Anonymous:

I would be upset with your mom if it was believed to be absolutely TRUE but why is taking it out on you? He should lean on you, vent? Sure but screaming at you? No. He sounds immature 'if you dont have an answer' crap, id be mad at him.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Oct. 16, 2013 at 1:31 AM
1 mom liked this

Hun, the fact that he's screaming at you, threatening to kill himself, you and your son over this, and being overly manipulative, are all very big red flags waving in your face that you need to RUN. FAST and FAR! Even IF your mother said anything, that is no reason for him to take it out on you. Nor is it a reason to have to "pick" or "choose" between your family or him. It was one incident that could have been a misunderstanding. In my opinion, the one you should "choose" is yourself and your son. You need to think very hard on if you can be with anyone who could dare to threaten to harm your son, you, or even theirself for any reason at all.

Gabeys_Mommy
by Bronze Member on Oct. 16, 2013 at 1:32 AM
Whether she wronged him or his mother, he is being completely immature & out of line. He sounds borderline abusive and like he's trying to isolate you. Tread carefully, momma.
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