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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

Dh has lost his mind...

Posted by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 6:58 PM
  • 26 Replies

Love my dh, but he's come up w/ this idea that's giving me an anxiety attack.

We just moved to Hawaii (we're military) so we have at least 3 yrs here before moving again, and if anyone knows the military there is no guarantee where you will be placed next. You can request specific posts, but in the end they'll put you where they want/need you. But dh is determined to get Colorado and so wants to buy a 5+ bedroom home w/ some land and move his parents out there to take care of it until we move there; then his parents would live w/ us in the house.

My major peeve w/ this idea, he talked to his parents about it & started looking at houses w/out consulting me at all! 

I do not want to share a house w/ dh's parents, we did that before and I felt like I came second to what they wanted/needed and now we have a 3 yr old dd & a ds on the way. I do not want us all to be pushed to the back because of his parents; I feel it would wind up being me & the kids against dh & his parents.

Also even if we did manage to get Colorado after this post, there is no way to guarantee that after another 3-4 yrs there that they wouldn't move dh to a different post again; which would leave me, the kids & the in-laws behind. I don't want dh to leave us behind, he'll miss years of the kid's growing up being at a diff post, we'll probably only see him a few times a year depending on how far away he is. 

I tried to talk to dh about all this last night, letting him know all my concerns but he got upset at me, saying he wanted to buy a house & have a settled place to come "home" to after he retires and have his parents comfortable & taken care of in their older age so he's not worried about them either. I can understand his points, but it feels like he's taking this huge decision out of my hands & he and his parents are planning this behind my back.

He's seriously talking about doing all this w/in the next 6 months and I'm in shock! I'm 4 days over-due w/ ds, trying to figure out how to enroll dd in a good pre-school that we can afford, though as soon as ds is old enough I'm going to need to get a job so we can afford daycare & pre-school and I just found out my grandmother is dying so I've got to figure out how I'm going to get to California if she passes soon w/ a 3 yr old and a newborn so I can help w/ her estate and last wishes bc there is nobody else there except close family friends to do so. 

I cried myself to sleep last night over all this bc dh wouldn't talk to me w/out getting all angry bc I wasn't completely on board w/ him about it all. I'm sooo overwhelmed w/ everything but I don't know how to talk to him about it bc he's not being resonable, he's got tunnel-vision and I want someone to snap him out of it! 

What do I do?!


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by on Oct. 21, 2013 at 6:58 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Allebas
by Ruby Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:01 PM

Well unless he has cash in hand and can pay for the house in full with cash, he cannot buy a house without your signature. The only way he could get around this, is if his parents signed the mortgage papers on a house. Good luck to you!!

lucky2Beeme
by Ruby Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:11 PM

If you cant afford a plane ticket than how the hell can he afford a house ? WTH is wrong with him. YOu and he need some serious help. He responsibility is to you and your children. Then mom and dad.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:16 PM

Not for all the tea in China would I live with my own parents, let alone DHs!  If it were a do it or someone is living on the street situation, that's different but under normal circumstances no way! 

My first marriage was to a man that out his parents before myself and our children and anything I ever said that was contrary to my in laws was met with hostility and me being told to "grow up and stop being so selfish." I was always the last person consulted for any decision, even huge ones like his assignment to Japan. I hope it works out better for you then it did for me.

I found that when I stood up against them he decided to look for someone more accommodating to his family. He left the kids and I behind because I felt we are adults and his parents are not feeble in any way, so we needed to be a team and raise our kids ourselves. 

Like I said, I really hope it works out better for you. It's sad to see people who don't see the value in their life partners. DH2 and I have always agreed to put each other first and never to let anyone else into our relationship. It's not an easy thing but we are definitely stronger for it. Tell your husband that you want a home as much as he does but that any house you buy won't be a home without him in it too. 

An0nym0use
by Rock Lobster on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:17 PM
Or he could just not put her on the house....he can easily do it without her.


Quoting Allebas:

Well unless he has cash in hand and can pay for the house in full with cash, he cannot buy a house without your signature. The only way he could get around this, is if his parents signed the mortgage papers on a house. Good luck to you!!


JMCorbin84
by Bronze Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:30 PM

He's talking about using his VA loan along w/ his parents, his dad is prior military so he has a VA loan as well and bc of a medical settlement they're about to come into some major 6 figure type money to help w/ a down payment. They've been hashing out the details for the last couple of days while I've been trying not to have a complete meltdown. He so excited about the whole thing and I want to throw his cell phone out the door into traffic.

Quoting Allebas:

Well unless he has cash in hand and can pay for the house in full with cash, he cannot buy a house without your signature. The only way he could get around this, is if his parents signed the mortgage papers on a house. Good luck to you!!


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MrsDavidB25
by Stacey on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:33 PM
1 mom liked this

 Oh dear god no. No way would I be living with inlaws. And he knows there are no guarantees to be stationed in CO after HI. Sounds like he is buying this house for his parents, whether you live there in 3 yrs or not. Yikes.

JMCorbin84
by Bronze Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:40 PM

I'm so sorry that this happened to you! That sounds like a horrible situation and very similar to what happend when dh & I first got together, his parents & older sibs lived right next door so when I moved in everyone was against me and nothing I did was ever right. After 8 months of walking on egg-shells around everyone, having every move I made dictated I finally told dh it was either me or them, he chose them, so I packed my stuff in my car and drove to my dad's. 2 months later he came to visit and begged me to come back, saying he'd do anything for me and realized that he couldn't let his parents & family rule his life forever or he'd be alone forever.

We've been together now for almost 5 years, shortly after a yr of marriage he joined the military & we moved to Germany for 3 years, then spent 8 months in Florida and now we're in Hawaii. We haven't had any major relationship issues since we got away from his family, everything has been great, we even went thru a year long deployment and came out stronger for it. But this is all coming out of left field and I feel like if I have to I'm going to be forced to put my foot down again and threaten to leave w/ the kids (which will break my heart).

Quoting Anonymous:

Not for all the tea in China would I live with my own parents, let alone DHs!  If it were a do it or someone is living on the street situation, that's different but under normal circumstances no way! 

My first marriage was to a man that out his parents before myself and our children and anything I ever said that was contrary to my in laws was met with hostility and me being told to "grow up and stop being so selfish." I was always the last person consulted for any decision, even huge ones like his assignment to Japan. I hope it works out better for you then it did for me.

I found that when I stood up against them he decided to look for someone more accommodating to his family. He left the kids and I behind because I felt we are adults and his parents are not feeble in any way, so we needed to be a team and raise our kids ourselves. 

Like I said, I really hope it works out better for you. It's sad to see people who don't see the value in their life partners. DH2 and I have always agreed to put each other first and never to let anyone else into our relationship. It's not an easy thing but we are definitely stronger for it. Tell your husband that you want a home as much as he does but that any house you buy won't be a home without him in it too. 


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JMCorbin84
by Bronze Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:48 PM

At first he was talking about having a house w/ several acres of land so he could build them a granny-flat so they'd have their own place, but now he's thinking it'll be easier if they were in the house w/ us. 

I feel like I want to throw a massive hissy fit and tell him absolutely no, I'm not sacrificing my family to cater to his parents; which makes me sound like a total selfish bitch :-(

And CO, that's totally in his head, we've never even been there before, so he's going to buy a house we've never seen in an area we don't know if we like w/ no guarantee we'll live there anytime soon. Oh my head hurts, lol

Quoting MrsDavidB25:

 Oh dear god no. No way would I be living with inlaws. And he knows there are no guarantees to be stationed in CO after HI. Sounds like he is buying this house for his parents, whether you live there in 3 yrs or not. Yikes.


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MrsDavidB25
by Stacey on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:53 PM

 I understand your frustration, I really do. DH was financially supporting his parents before we got married, and after (we are also military). I thought things would change especially when we started having kids -but no. I DID have to put my foot down and end us paying out over $1000 a month to them. He still owns the house, but now his dad pays the full mortgage. Stand your ground. This is a horrible idea.

Quoting JMCorbin84:

At first he was talking about having a house w/ several acres of land so he could build them a granny-flat so they'd have their own place, but now he's thinking it'll be easier if they were in the house w/ us. 

I feel like I want to throw a massive hissy fit and tell him absolutely no, I'm not sacrificing my family to cater to his parents; which makes me sound like a total selfish bitch :-(

And CO, that's totally in his head, we've never even been there before, so he's going to buy a house we've never seen in an area we don't know if we like w/ no guarantee we'll live there anytime soon. Oh my head hurts, lol

Quoting MrsDavidB25:

 Oh dear god no. No way would I be living with inlaws. And he knows there are no guarantees to be stationed in CO after HI. Sounds like he is buying this house for his parents, whether you live there in 3 yrs or not. Yikes.


 

Rebecca7708
by Platinum Member on Oct. 21, 2013 at 7:59 PM

Good lord, this sounds like a terrible, terrible plan. Does he have a history of making rash decisions like this? And if he's never even been to Colorado, why would he just randomly pick it?

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