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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

I feel worthless... just writing, I guess

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 5 Replies
I just read a book about suicide.... the main character was so alone, so depressed. It brought on a lot of feelings for me. I was suicidal a year ago. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist.

I still feel really worthless though. I don't work, I feel like I have nothing going for me in my life. I live in my dad's basement. I went to a technical college, but can't seem to find a job with that. Can't go to the community college bc of financial aid.

If I didn't have ds, I wonder what I'd do. I don't think I'd kill myself.... but where would I be? Would I be on drugs? Selling myself for a place to live? Degrading myself for someone to love me? I can see myself doing that, and it scares me. Literally the only salvation I have in life is ds. I know what he deserves in a mom and while I can't do all of it, the last thing he needs is a drugged out, used mom bringing in random johns who could harm him.

I want to do better, but I'm lacking the motivation.... I'm slipping.

Most days I just want to run away. Pack up the car and drive to where no one knows me... but I can't do that bc I'd be in a worse place than I am now- homeless with a kid. I can't take him outta school, he's in second grade.


Idk. My medicine was upped 2 weeks ago. I have an appt with the psychiatrist today at 5... yesterday, I met with my therapist, but every time I see her, everything just leaves my mind. Hopefully with writing this down, I'll be able to actually speak on it.

I'm gonna try to get a couple hours of sleep before I wake ds up for school.

Goodnight, CM.
Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:41 AM
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Replies (1-5):
tperez10
by Member on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:46 AM

Good luck at your psychiatrist's! I hope everything gets better for you soon!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:57 AM
Thanks. I hope so too. A couple months ago, I was ok and putting in applications...now, it's a struggle to get outta bed for a couple hours.

Quoting tperez10:

Good luck at your psychiatrist's! I hope everything gets better for you soon!

llamaqueen
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 4:57 AM
(hugs)

I was there once, a few years ago. I didn't like my meds because they turned me into a zombie. I wasn't depressed anymore, I just didn't feel anything. I started excercising, because I read it releases endorphins. It helped some. I did my best to focus on the positive things that I liked about myself and my life. That was hard. I had to alter my perception about everything around me.

It's hard having to live with family. It makes one feel somewhat... inadequate. I just had to move back in with my parents. Just try to look at it as a stepping stone to something better. If you don't qualify for financial aid, apply for every single grant you can. Squirrel away every penny you can spare. It will take time, but you CAN do it. Even if you can't find a job with your technical degree (I know many people who have had trouble with that) go to your local DHS. Most times they have career counselors who will help you build up a resume, fill out applications and such.

I hope things get better for you soon. Please message me if you ever need/want to talk.
(more hugs)
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 24, 2013 at 9:37 AM
Thanks. A couple months ago, I was doing better tho- putting inn applications, people seen a difference. Now, I'm struggling to get outta bed to take ds to school, crawling back in once I get home. Other than the social thoughts, it's as bad as it was a year ago.

I'm gonna go to the welfare office on Monday. Hopefully I'll have the gas for it (I don't right now and after my appointment today, I know my gas light will be on)... until then, I'll prob do some research online with their website.

I hope things get better too. I hate that ds is the only reason for anything for me. He's the reason I get outta bed... the reason I'm not a complete waste of life. Too much responsibility for a second grader, even if he doesn't fully understand what's going on

Quoting llamaqueen:

(hugs)



I was there once, a few years ago. I didn't like my meds because they turned me into a zombie. I wasn't depressed anymore, I just didn't feel anything. I started excercising, because I read it releases endorphins. It helped some. I did my best to focus on the positive things that I liked about myself and my life. That was hard. I had to alter my perception about everything around me.



It's hard having to live with family. It makes one feel somewhat... inadequate. I just had to move back in with my parents. Just try to look at it as a stepping stone to something better. If you don't qualify for financial aid, apply for every single grant you can. Squirrel away every penny you can spare. It will take time, but you CAN do it. Even if you can't find a job with your technical degree (I know many people who have had trouble with that) go to your local DHS. Most times they have career counselors who will help you build up a resume, fill out applications and such.



I hope things get better for you soon. Please message me if you ever need/want to talk.

(more hugs)
axy
by on Oct. 24, 2013 at 9:40 AM
Hugs
Hopefully it gets better for you soon. Depression can be very hard
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