I still feel really worthless though. I don't work, I feel like I have nothing going for me in my life. I live in my dad's basement. I went to a technical college, but can't seem to find a job with that. Can't go to the community college bc of financial aid.
If I didn't have ds, I wonder what I'd do. I don't think I'd kill myself.... but where would I be? Would I be on drugs? Selling myself for a place to live? Degrading myself for someone to love me? I can see myself doing that, and it scares me. Literally the only salvation I have in life is ds. I know what he deserves in a mom and while I can't do all of it, the last thing he needs is a drugged out, used mom bringing in random johns who could harm him.
I want to do better, but I'm lacking the motivation.... I'm slipping.
Most days I just want to run away. Pack up the car and drive to where no one knows me... but I can't do that bc I'd be in a worse place than I am now- homeless with a kid. I can't take him outta school, he's in second grade.
Idk. My medicine was upped 2 weeks ago. I have an appt with the psychiatrist today at 5... yesterday, I met with my therapist, but every time I see her, everything just leaves my mind. Hopefully with writing this down, I'll be able to actually speak on it.
I'm gonna try to get a couple hours of sleep before I wake ds up for school.