I figured out why ds was having freakout at bedtime.
but if you give him a nap even as small as 20-30 mins he will freakout for hrs at bedtime.
I'm kicking myself now for giving him a nap. but I'm in my thrid triemester and I really needed one. and SO was already asleep for the day (since he works graveyards) ugh ffs its going to be a long night.