I don't tell my counselor the truth because I'm scared she'll call CPS on me. Edited.
I love my son. He's the reason I do everything. I went to college and got multiple degrees, including a Master's, because it bettered his life. I think I'm a very good mom to him.
However, I'm pregnant again. I hate this fetus. I want it out-now. Everytime it kicks I yell, "Don't fuck kick me" to my stomach. I don't want it. I tried to get an abortion and they said I was too far along. I never wanted more kids, and I don't want this one. I was leaking fluid and went to the hospital and actually prayed it was dying.
There was a brief time I was excited. I was excited because I was getting a second chance to do what I wanted like a natural birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapers...Now I have no interest in doing any of that. I've decided to go have another c-seciton cause it's not worth the pain of labor. I couldn't care less if it's breastfed or not. Excitement is gone and now it's just hate.
I tried to get Essure in April. I go to my app and have my then fiance come cause he was to drive me home. He made a comment and the doctor wouldn't do it cause he said my fiance wasn't ok with it. I couldn't even look at my fiance after that. I thought he supported my decision. We broke up six weeks later. We had sex once in that time. I found out I was pregnant after we broke up.
Now, I'm in counseling. I've told my counselor I'm putting it up for adoption because I don't want to be a single mother to two kids.I don't tell her it's because I hate this thing. I'm scared she'll call CPS cause she'll think I'm hurting my son.
Before I'm bashed to hell for being a shitty parent, at least I'm putting it up for adoption and not keeping it. I know I'll always hate it and never love it.
I feel guilty and ashamed. I don't get how I can love one child more than my own life and absolutely hate the other.
Some are saying I've posted this before. I haven't. I don't know the gender.I had an ultrasound but didn't want to know. The other post isn't me.