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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

My confession: please don't bash, I already hate myself because of this...**LONG**

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 25 Replies

About 3 years ago, my mom and I had a HUGE fight because I wouldn't give her money (long story as to why).  She told me she hated me, that I should kill myself since she was stupid and didn't abort me and that I was a horrible mom and my daughter would be better off if I was dead and out of her life.  I was already having a hard time with my suicidal thoughts since my psychiatrist was out of the country and I was out of my depression meds and had no refills and pharmacy wouldn't refill it without a prescription and his office wouldn't fill it without me seeing him first (I was a new patient at the time).  So, when my husband came home I told him about the fight with my mom.  I told him I needed to go for a walk to clear my head.  I went to the bathroom to "pee" and I took a cocktail of meds and went for mywalk.  I made it about a mile from home and I started violently throwing up.  I made it to my designation and laid down  hoping that I would never wake up, but just ended up throwing up more.  A few hours passed and I knew it was a failed attempt.  So, I walked home, pissed at myself for once again being a failure.  Two days later my friend came over with a surprise, she thought she was pregnant.  She came over with a brown bag with a 2 pack of pregnancy tests.  She took one and it was +.  She was so excited since she and her hubby was having a hard time getting pregnant.  She told me to take one to make sure the test was accurate and I told her to take it again.  She insisted on me taking it.  So, to humor her, I did.  It immediately said pregnant.  I said mine must be wrong since I just had my period  (which turned out to be implantation bleeding).  So, later I told my husband that I was feeling weird and wantedto take a pregnancy test.  So, we went and got one.  It once again said pregnant almost immediately.  I was devastated, because of trying to kill myself by overdosing.  Plus, I was still upset about what my mom said and still had plans to "carry out" and being pregnant ruined those plans.  When I went in for my first ultrasound, the baby had a heartbeat.  Then, when I went in for the more detailed ultrasound, the baby, my son, had a bunch of problems.  Heart defects, no stomach bubble and other stuff, which I don't want to get into because it will reveal my identity.  When he was born, full term, he weighed less than 5 lbs (once again being vague for my identity protection) and never made it home from the nicu or into the care of hospice.  No one knows about my suicidal attempt.  I HATE myself and blame myself, because once I saw his little heartbeat for the first time and was given my due date I became excited.  I feel like I caused my sons death.

Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 7, 2013 at 4:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Schauseil
by Gold Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 4:11 AM
1 mom liked this
It would be a very rare thing if your one time attempt actually did anything.
kaysha
by Ruby Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 4:12 AM
Hugs
i_lovedyoufirst
by Gabriella (: on Nov. 7, 2013 at 4:12 AM
You didn't know.
You can't blame yourself for something you had no control over.
But next time you feel that way I beg that you talk to someone.
Don't ever let your mind get the best of you like that. Find someone you can talk to.
Maybe seek therapy? As for your mom? Cut that bitch out of your life! You don't need her!
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want10more
by Gold Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 4:19 AM
5 moms liked this

my kid was in nicu too. he shouldn't have made it. but he did. some babies were not so lucky. NOW let's talk about YOU. you were ready to end your life before, and now you feel a baby's death on your head. so now i'm pretty sure you are ready to die again. in a way it feels comforting doesn't it? to just die. sleep forever. but the truth is, we just don't know what's on the other side. and i have dead people in my life. my dad and sister were killed. car/semi accident. yup i wanted to die too. but.......... i just didn't KNOW if i did it, if i'd see them again. like, maybe they'd be in heaven, and i'd be in hell. i dunno. even if you are not a christian, you just don't KNOW what's on the other side. it could be worse. so......... how about we find reasons for you to live? cuz dying just helps nobody. and your death? just doesn't honor your dead child. i'd rather you live your life and remember and honor him.

MaiVal
by Silver Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 4:38 AM
1 mom liked this

See? This is why i like you. I'm quite the bitch too. I've had cancer 3 times in my teens. 14, 15, 17. My last treatment was a stem cell transplant, and i turned 18 while in the hospital for it. I was never supposed to have kids. I went through premenopause and was also on birth control. Still had my daughter. Now i'm on #4. I've had my head cut open twice, and now i have epilepsy. You know what? I have almost 4 kids that I was never supposed to have. My prognosis was so bad that my doctor wouldn't tell me. But here I am 8 years later, with baby #4 in the oven.

And to OP, I had so many times that I wanted to give up, to just quit it, because it was hard. Harder than anything I've gone through. But I stuck by it, I did it. And I did it again. And again. I cried, I hated it, I sometimes yelled at my nurses because I didn't want to do what they told me to do. But I ended up on this side. On the side where I have so much more than I ever thought possible.

Quoting want10more:

my kid was in nicu too. he shouldn't have made it. but he did. some babies were not so lucky. NOW let's talk about YOU. you were ready to end your life before, and now you feel a baby's death on your head. so now i'm pretty sure you are ready to die again. in a way it feels comforting doesn't it? to just die. sleep forever. but the truth is, we just don't know what's on the other side. and i have dead people in my life. my dad and sister were killed. car/semi accident. yup i wanted to die too. but.......... i just didn't KNOW if i did it, if i'd see them again. like, maybe they'd be in heaven, and i'd be in hell. i dunno. even if you are not a christian, you just don't KNOW what's on the other side. it could be worse. so......... how about we find reasons for you to live? cuz dying just helps nobody. and your death? just doesn't honor your dead child. i'd rather you live your life and remember and honor him.


Lilypie Pregnancy tickers

3gr8tKids
by Gold Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 4:52 AM

That was a difficult  period of time for you. Hope that things are better for you now. HUGS

want10more
by Gold Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 4:57 AM
1 mom liked this

 

you are like me. you are grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry too. i've had some shit in my life that would just curl your hair. but FUCK THAT WE ARE BITCHES AIN"T WE? we gonna kick some serious ass no matter what! and we will STAY here and fight cuz nobody, but  nobody, can push an evil bitch down! WHOOT~! i like you too. we're the same cat. both of us get our bitch slam on when we gotta........

Quoting MaiVal:

See? This is why i like you. I'm quite the bitch too. I've had cancer 3 times in my teens. 14, 15, 17. My last treatment was a stem cell transplant, and i turned 18 while in the hospital for it. I was never supposed to have kids. I went through premenopause and was also on birth control. Still had my daughter. Now i'm on #4. I've had my head cut open twice, and now i have epilepsy. You know what? I have almost 4 kids that I was never supposed to have. My prognosis was so bad that my doctor wouldn't tell me. But here I am 8 years later, with baby #4 in the oven.

And to OP, I had so many times that I wanted to give up, to just quit it, because it was hard. Harder than anything I've gone through. But I stuck by it, I did it. And I did it again. And again. I cried, I hated it, I sometimes yelled at my nurses because I didn't want to do what they told me to do. But I ended up on this side. On the side where I have so much more than I ever thought possible.

Quoting want10more:

my kid was in nicu too. he shouldn't have made it. but he did. some babies were not so lucky. NOW let's talk about YOU. you were ready to end your life before, and now you feel a baby's death on your head. so now i'm pretty sure you are ready to die again. in a way it feels comforting doesn't it? to just die. sleep forever. but the truth is, we just don't know what's on the other side. and i have dead people in my life. my dad and sister were killed. car/semi accident. yup i wanted to die too. but.......... i just didn't KNOW if i did it, if i'd see them again. like, maybe they'd be in heaven, and i'd be in hell. i dunno. even if you are not a christian, you just don't KNOW what's on the other side. it could be worse. so......... how about we find reasons for you to live? cuz dying just helps nobody. and your death? just doesn't honor your dead child. i'd rather you live your life and remember and honor him.



 

mushki
by on Nov. 7, 2013 at 5:01 AM

Stop blaming yourself. You didn't know and I highly doubt that is what made you lose the baby. Hugs.

uhhnogirl
by Platinum Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 5:12 AM
I'm so sorry :/
2ndtimemom605
by Gold Member on Nov. 7, 2013 at 5:59 AM
I doubt the suicide attempt caused all your son's problems,but I understand why you have so much guilt. The thing is,you can't know one way or the other if you are to blame or not,I say you aren't,you might feel like you are,but we'll never ever know for sure,ever.

Forgive yourself,you never meant to harm you,you didn't know he was there,and when you did,you loved him. Don't let your memory of him be tainted by this,forgive yourself. Maybe go for therapy?Good luck,and I'm sorry for your loss.
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