Close to reaching my limit with SD's mental illness - UPDATE
I'm close to reaching my limit. The constant ups and downs and SD's violence are really starting to get to me. I don't know what is just normal adolescent behavior and what is the start of a rage anymore. I worry that every little thing is going to blow up. I'm tired of being hit and threatened. I'm tired of her taunting my dog. I'm tired of chasing after her. I'm tired of cleaning up after her. I'm judged constantly. I'm mostly numb to it but sometimes I feel a little embarrassed to be seen in public with her and then I feel like shit because what kind of mother would feel that way?
We've spent thousands of dollars on treatment (and more on repairing/replacing damage she has caused) that she refuses to participate in. The police come out and submit petitions but the courthouse refuses to sign off on them because she is mentally ill, not a delinquent. The doctors all say she needs to be in residential and call her a treatment outlier but since we can't afford it and don't have medicaid or tricare no one will admit her. The school says they're going to do xyz but they don't. We've gone to therapy. I've taken parenting classes and attended support groups. I'm constantly advocating for her. She hates me so much. I know it's transference but it still stings.
It is just a matter of time before she hurts herself or someone else or makes a bad choice that will forever negatively impact her life. I'm doing everything I can but nothing has helped for more than a few weeks. I'm starting to feel angry and bitter. I don't want to have to lock my bedroom door at night anymore. I've lost friends because no one will bring their kids around her, which I understand.
The last couple of weeks have been okay. DH and I work really hard to meet her needs and look out for triggers. She's only snapped three times this week but I can tell we're heading for trouble after tonight. She wanted me to listen to a song and I told her I didn't want to because it is about violence. That was all it took.
I guess I'm just venting. I don't really have anyone else to say this to.
**Update on page 12**