When my dh and I had first met, before he was my dh, we were dating. I was living with another guy who was abusive towards me and I found comfort in the arms of another man, my future dh.
The guy I was living with and too frightened to leave, was very violent and beat me often. He would drag me around the house by my hair, kick me tie me to a bed and rape me, etc. He had a gun, and would shove it loaded in my face whenever he felt like it, threaten me with knives, push me down stairs, and tell me if I told the cops they would show up but would never find me or my body.
I got pregnant and I know it wasn't his. He broke up with me about 40 days before I got pregnant, but insisted I remain living with him. He stopped raping me but kept on beating me. I had my period, during the time and than the condom broke on me and the guy I was dating behind the abusive assholes back.
I was sick and the guy I was living with demanded I take a preg. test. I told him no way I was preg we hadn't had sex in a while and he got in my face screaming he KNEW it wasnt his if I was preg. Sure enough test came out pos. He made me tell him who the guy was torturing and beating me. I told him and he said I was to go back and tell him I was preg, it WAS his, but that the abusive guy said I will be daddy you tell him that or I will fucking get my gun and shoot him.
I knew he was telling the truth. The other guy did not know about the abuse. I told him what I was told to tell him. I said it was his, I was preg, I was going to marry the other guy and he would be dad. It broke my heart to do that, but I wanted to keep him safe and not dead. I loved him so much.
You could see his heart break when I told him, he asked me why and I just said this is what I wanted I was sorry for hurting him, etc.
Yes we were "broken up" and yes he had no clue about the abuse or this asshole making me say these things. He went online and cybered with a girl. I found out about it a couple of weeks later. He admitted it when confronted. The worst part was during this "cyber sex" he said I love you to her.
He said he didn't mean it, and she had said it first which she admitted to that. And I even got to see the conversation, where she said I love you, he said me too, not I love you. But it still hurt the same. It hurt so badly and I finally was able to leave abusive asshole and move in with my future husband. But the damage had been done. I felt I couldn't trust him. He felt like a terrible sob because I told him I was just trying to protect him.
I said I could not have a child with a man I could no longer trust, and at 2 months along I insisted, and got, an abortion. It hurt us both, he cried and begged me not to, I told him I was not willing to risk bringing a child into the world with a mom and dad who were not together and who were no longer in love. I was so hurt and it took us YEARS to get the trust back. I should have told him I know that now, but I was scared for him and the asshole was just crazy enough to end up in jail for LIFE for killing him or even both of us.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't done the abortion, but at the time everything was sooooo uncertain and scary.
That is my confession. I feel I need to just get it out, it has been pent up too long. It is sort of a relief to write it out instead of keeping it in.