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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

I'm trying very hard to forgive ...

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 34 Replies
My birth dad was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. I am his first born from his first marriage. I was tossed like a football back and forth between my parents.
My birth mom would want me but thought I was to much of a hassle cuz I kept her away from her gambling addiction.
So my birth dad would take me in whenever my birth mom didn't want me. My step mom hated that he did that. But he felt that he had to.
My step mom was all about appearances back then and demanded I call her mom. But she never acted motherly towards me. Their children were always more important and she made sure that I knew where I belonged in the family dynamic. (For example, when they had family pics taken I was to go to the photo shoot but was never allowed in the pics).
I never had much of a relationship with my birth dad, step mom made sure of that. I've heard family and family friends always tell me that she was jealous of me. (There's really more but I've already written so much already).
But now that my birthdad has been diagnosed, he has kind of reached out to me. He hasn't apologized for anything. But I think he's looking for forgiveness. I know that I should let all of the bullshit go, not necessarily for him but for me. To give myself the peace and happiness I deserve to be able to move on.
How do I forgive? How do I forget? How do I go from here when now he's starting to act the way he did all those yrs ago? I know that he has a lot on his mind with treatments and such but ... I just don't know where to go from here.
Anyone have some advice on how I deal with this? Sorry for the rambling on and on. Thanks for reading.
Posted by Anonymous on Nov. 14, 2013 at 6:08 AM
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Replies (1-10):
iamcafemom83
by Ruby Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 6:11 AM
Forgiveness takes time. Especially with problems that have been rooted in you since birth.
Hopefully you will be able to work on forgiveness during this very hard time for your dad.
Forgive for yourself....do it because it makes you feel better....maybe having a long talk with your dad will help.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 14, 2013 at 6:14 AM
I spoke to him for maybe 5 minutes. He was kind enough to tell me about his diagnoses by asking my cousin to post my birth dad's blog link on my fb wall.

Quoting iamcafemom83:

Forgiveness takes time. Especially with problems that have been rooted in you since birth.

Hopefully you will be able to work on forgiveness during this very hard time for your dad.

Forgive for yourself....do it because it makes you feel better....maybe having a long talk with your dad will help.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Nov. 14, 2013 at 6:18 AM
Just think of it this way. What if he loses his battle with his cancer and you chose not to forgive him? You will regret with all of your heart that you never had that chance to forgive him. The past is just as the word says. The past. Make a new relationship with him. Start all over. Have no past judgements in your heart. You may still feel resentment from what happened to you. But allow yourself to breathe in and out and remember that you cannot undo the past no matter how hard you try. But you can control what lies ahead of you. You can either take control and forgive him and move on and work on a good relationship with your day, or you can hold the resentment and when he dies from his cancer, you will have only yourself to blame if you realize you wished you had let that resentment go. Talk to a therapist if needed. Don't wait around too long though...you never know how his cancer will be in the near future.
imandia4
by Gold Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 6:27 AM

Acceptance. It hard to swallow. Sometimes the things we have to accept these days are nasty! Why don't you ask him if he is sorry for the things in the past? If he is, then maybe telling him you forgive him will make him feel better. Explain to him you want to know from him if he does regret the way he was. You do have a right to that. And whatever comes about of the conversation, you have to accept it. If you feel it is too much to accept then you may have to do something physical to get you to.

Ideas: Write letter and say everything you want to say. All the anger and hatred that was, take it out in the letter. Then burn it. And while it burns imagine the smoke are those things you have had a hard time coping with. In your mind those words burn, while you make it leave your soul and out to the air and becoming nothing. Close your eyes and relax and tell yourself in your head that you can live on and you will live on because you will and you have.

Maybe get a tattoo that represents you over coming your pain.

Go to an open field and scream like a crazy person. Act like a crazy person to. Get that shit out!

Keep yourself busy and productive. Boredome is what makes one dwell and stew.

Or do all of those things.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 14, 2013 at 6:27 AM
I am trying to let it go. I really am. But when he can't take more than 5 min to talk to me, it makes me wonder if its worth it. He has all the time in the world for his other children and they live 4 hours away from him. (I live across town).
Maybe it's not him I have the real issue with but with my step mom. But he's also allowing her to dictate to him when he came see me and his grand kids.
I've tried taking my kids over there only to be told that we weren't welcome unless I call and set up a time. (Which I have done) only to go there and find an empty house. And a bs excuse.
Do I forgive and just walk away but leave the door open and wait for him?

Quoting Anonymous:

Just think of it this way. What if he loses his battle with his cancer and you chose not to forgive him? You will regret with all of your heart that you never had that chance to forgive him. The past is just as the word says. The past. Make a new relationship with him. Start all over. Have no past judgements in your heart. You may still feel resentment from what happened to you. But allow yourself to breathe in and out and remember that you cannot undo the past no matter how hard you try. But you can control what lies ahead of you. You can either take control and forgive him and move on and work on a good relationship with your day, or you can hold the resentment and when he dies from his cancer, you will have only yourself to blame if you realize you wished you had let that resentment go. Talk to a therapist if needed. Don't wait around too long though...you never know how his cancer will be in the near future.
CampClan
by Platinum Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 6:30 AM

IMO you DON'T forget. If you forget then you could set yourself up for a similar situation. Forgiveness take time & lots of prayer & soul searching. And you have to WANT it. Not just say it to be saying it. You will know in your heart that you are ready to forgive. And if you just say it without meaning it then you will know that it wasn't sincere.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 14, 2013 at 6:32 AM
I've written a letter. I put it in my jewelry box. Maybe I should go ahead and burn it. The letter not the jewelry box.

Quoting imandia4:

Acceptance. It hard to swallow. Sometimes the things we have to accept these days are nasty! Why don't you ask him if he is sorry for the things in the past? If he is, then maybe telling him you forgive him will make him feel better. Explain to him you want to know from him if he does regret the way he was. You do have a right to that. And whatever comes about of the conversation, you have to accept it. If you feel it is too much to accept then you may have to do something physical to get you to.

Ideas: Write letter and say everything you want to say. All the anger and hatred that was, take it out in the letter. Then burn it. And while it burns imagine the smoke are those things you have had a hard time coping with. In your mind those words burn, while you make it leave your soul and out to the air and becoming nothing. Close your eyes and relax and tell yourself in your head that you can live on and you will live on because you will and you have.

Maybe get a tattoo that represents you over coming your pain.

Go to an open field and scream like a crazy person. Act like a crazy person to. Get that shit out!

Keep yourself busy and productive. Boredome is what makes one dwell and stew.

Or do all of those things.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Nov. 14, 2013 at 6:37 AM
I do want it ... Or at least I thought I did. I know going on like this is not good for me or my own family. But I just need to get over the hurt.

Quoting CampClan:

IMO you DON'T forget. If you forget then you could set yourself up for a similar situation. Forgiveness take time & lots of prayer & soul searching. And you have to WANT it. Not just say it to be saying it. You will know in your heart that you are ready to forgive. And if you just say it without meaning it then you will know that it wasn't sincere.

imandia4
by Gold Member on Nov. 14, 2013 at 6:38 AM

Yes. Burning helps. Those words dissolve into nothing. If you imagine it like that, it truly does help you heal. You have to know you deserve to heal inside. And know that it won't be perfect on your soul. It will be a scar on your soul but it will make your soul tougher and smarter. Oh and happy!!

Quoting Anonymous:

I've written a letter. I put it in my jewelry box. Maybe I should go ahead and burn it. The letter not the jewelry box.

Quoting imandia4:

Acceptance. It hard to swallow. Sometimes the things we have to accept these days are nasty! Why don't you ask him if he is sorry for the things in the past? If he is, then maybe telling him you forgive him will make him feel better. Explain to him you want to know from him if he does regret the way he was. You do have a right to that. And whatever comes about of the conversation, you have to accept it. If you feel it is too much to accept then you may have to do something physical to get you to.

Ideas: Write letter and say everything you want to say. All the anger and hatred that was, take it out in the letter. Then burn it. And while it burns imagine the smoke are those things you have had a hard time coping with. In your mind those words burn, while you make it leave your soul and out to the air and becoming nothing. Close your eyes and relax and tell yourself in your head that you can live on and you will live on because you will and you have.

Maybe get a tattoo that represents you over coming your pain.

Go to an open field and scream like a crazy person. Act like a crazy person to. Get that shit out!

Keep yourself busy and productive. Boredome is what makes one dwell and stew.

Or do all of those things.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Nov. 14, 2013 at 6:43 AM
Ask him out to lunch and make it known to him how you feel don't hold anything back either
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