My husbands relationship with his dad is complicated. His parents met at a weird time in both of their lives, they were in their early twenties, his dad was into a lot of drugs, didn't really have a direction in life, didn't have a stable job or home, lived in his van, etc. His dad is now this super clean cut business man who lives in the suburbs and drives a mercury to his office job. Thing is when he grew up, he separated himself from everything in his old life, which is great for the most part, except that that included my husband.
His dad got married to this woman when my husband was about nine, so it's been twelve years, and she doesn't know my husband exists. When he was a kid his dad explained to him that he didn't want to involve any of his old life with his new wife, because it would be too hard for her to handle and she might leave him, so it wasn't like he was ashamed of him and he could still hang out with him and everything, he could just never tell his stepmother who he was. Every once in a while he will go meet up with his dad and his dad acts like he's the worlds greatest father, and then they go their separate ways and pretend that the other doesn't exist. We usually just tell people that we don't now who his dad is, I think I've even said that on here, because it just keeps it simpler and his dad wants it that way.
A couple days ago his dad called and asked if he wanted to get dinner. They hadn't seen each other for a year. So my husband dressed up nice and drove half an hour to his dads office and sat in the lobby for an hour waiting for him. Then his dad comes down and with him is his wife. He just awkwardly said "oh hey Robin" and then introduced him to his wife as "a 2nd cousins son who he's helping get into the business world" and then he says "we've got to get home, but give me a call later and I'll send you those forms that you came to pick up, I forgot them in my home office. You should get going too, it's getting dark, don't want your parents to worry about you" and took off. His dad has been texting him since, turns out his wife just stopped by unexpectedly and he panicked so he made all of that stuff up, but "you understand, right?"
My husband pretends that it doesn't matter and he doesn't care, but I can tell that it really hurts his feelings that his dad acts this way, like somethings wrong with him so he can't have a place in his "new life." This is just the last straw to me. Personally I think he should just tell his dad to kick rocks if he is going to be like that, but my husband won't. He would rather have his dad and get treated like this than not have him at all.
But you can make sure the asshole is never around you or the kids. Tell your dh that his father is his problem, and to not drag his family into that nonsense. Other than that, there's nothing you can do. He needs to work his own feelings out. There's nothing wrong with wanting your dad to pay attention to you.
Good luck.
Yeah, that's basically what I said when my husband came home and I asked how the dinner went. I don't hate anyone, but this guy makes it hard, and I've never even met him. My husband used to buy his garbage but now that he's a dad hes realizing more and more how screwed up it is and it hurts him, he doesn't get how someone can treat their kids like that no matter what.
Quoting momma2mms:WTF?
I would spill the beans to step mom and then cut them both out of my life.
I don't recommend telling SM like others are saying, that could make your husband resent YOU.
Be there for your husband & honestly I'd encourage him to seek counseing.
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- lenashark
on Nov. 20, 2013 at 8:13 PM