We have all been there. A casual happy hour turns into a dark, drunken blur where one canât remember how many or what type of alcohol has been consumed. We all pay the price. But no one is more predictable than the Drunk Boyfriend. The men in our lives who behave so uniquely in our daily lives turn into the same manwhen wasted. The predictability of each stage of a boyfriendâs intoxication is almost comforting.
Stage 1: The functioning drunk who doesnât realize how drunk he is. If youâre out together, he attempts to pick you up at the bar, all suave-like, like youâve never met before. If youâre out separately, he booty texts you.
Stage 2: The non-functioning drunk who still refuses to admit heâs drunk. The order of the words coming out of his mouth donât make sense, but you decipher his hand gestures to maintain communication.
Stage 3: The non-functioning drunk who finally recognizes his intoxication. After chugging the glass of water youâve handed him, he agrees itâs time to head home â but suggests sexual activities when you get there. Yeah, right.
Stage 4: The drunk with the spins. He finds the first piece of furniture to sink into and refuses to move or change. You consider feeding him carbs, but heâs already snoring.
Stage 5: The blacked out, vomiting drunk. Awoken by a noise, you realize your boyfriend removed all clothes and found his way to the bathroom. His relatively good aim has saved you from a night of cleaning. You debate picking his now NAKED body off the cold tile floor but realize you are unable to lift him. You check vitals and cover him with blanket.
Stage 6: The still tipsy, cuddly drunk. You wake up as the sun is rising and discover your snoring, naked boyfriend in bed attempting to cuddle. You roll over and enjoy a few more hours of sleep.
Stage 7: The suddenly hungover drunk-no-longer. He questions why he has a headache but not why heâs naked. Upon hearing the story, he swears to never drink again. Administer aspirin and water to boyfriend. Suggest more sleep.
Stage 8: The recovered drunk. Give him Gatorade, eggs, bacon and a bagel. âIâm not even hungover,â he announces.
Stage 9: The ready to party again drunk. Everything has returned to normal. The smile has returned to your boyfriendâs face. That smile turns into suggestive looks as your boyfriend realizes your close proximity and his own nudity. You insist that he brush his teeth and shower first. He asks for a beer in the meantime.
Have you experienced these stages with a boyfriend, husband or significant other?