Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

My, slightly controversial, way of parenting *confession* *edit*

Posted by   + Show Post

I use the code of hammurabi to parent my kids.  For those of you that don't know what that is, its where "an eye for an eye" comes from. 

I don't go to the same extreme as Hammurabi though. I wouldn't go around cutting their hands off. 

Here are some examples of what I mean

If they steal something, they get something stolen from them. Meaning I will take something from them and NEVER give it back or buy them a replacement. Most likely I'll sell it, give it to the person they stole from or send it to the salvation army.

If they use bad language or talk back to an adult I have them hold their tounge until I tell them to stop.  It gets uncomfortable and they can't talk (also they look silly).  

If they neglect their responsibilities because they don't want to, I neglect my responsibilities. "Oops I didn't want to take you to dance practice" seems to get to my oldest and "I don't want to go to the pool" works for my youngest.  


Of course this goes both ways. If they do something good, good things are returned to them.


I think it teaches empathy for other people. They don't want things to happen to them, so they don't do bad things to others. They respect others because they want to be respected as well. They know that whatever they do, or don't do to/for someone elsec an be returned to them tenfold.  It also teaches them that if they good for other people, good things will happen to them. It works


Bash away. 


I am too lazy to read and reply to all the messages so I am just going to address the FAQs right here. 

1. What will happen when they try this on someone else? 

Answer: They won't. They know that I am the adult and they are the children. They know it is not their place to discipline anyone else, but it is my job to discipline/reward them as I see fit. We are not equals. Did you ever try to give your friends spankings as a kid just because your parents spanked you? No (at least if you are a normal person you didn't)

2. How long do they hold their tongue for?

Answer: It varies depending on exactly what was said. 10 minutes is long enough. And yes they can breathe and swallow. 

3. If it worked they wouldn't be doing those things?

Answer: It works, so they don't. When my kids came to me they were used to being on their own. So stealing, being disrespectful and shirking responsibilities were all they knew. Now, they have me, and I like order. So they respect that, and they respect others around them.

4. Does it really teach them anything but revenge?

Answer: Yes. My kids are egoists, they put themselves 1st (it comes from having to fend for themselves). By showing them how things they do feel to other people, in terms of themselves, they learn empathy. Before I started this they wouldn't care about how someone else felt when they stole something from them or called them a name. Now they know how it feels, so they don't inflict that pain to someone else. 

5. What do I do if they hit someone else?

Answer: We haven't crossed this bridge. But I am not opposed to spanking so that would probably be what happens (or something equally as emotionally painful for my youngest).  My kids don't hit each other, or other people. My youngest is terrified getting hit, so she doesn't hit others (because she has learned that everything that she does has an equal outcome) My oldest hasn't hit anyone. They aren't violent kids (also I think they are too old to be "hitting". That is something a 4 year old does when they don't get their way). 

And yes, I do let them defend themselves if a problem persists and all avenues have been explored before it. 

How old are they?

They are 8 and 10. Fully capable of understanding cause and effect. 


by on Dec. 10, 2013 at 4:36 PM
Replies (421-430):
UpstateAnnette
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 6:02 AM
1 mom liked this

Yes it is well worth the read/money. I also found a lot of stuff from it online. 

Quoting SlightlyPerfect:

Someone else recommended this book to me on here. Is it worth the read???? The Kindle edition is $10, so I was going to order it through the library.

I was wondering if it's really a rational approach to parenting.

Quoting UpstateAnnette:

Have you ever looked into  "Parenting with Love and Logic"?  It has some very similar ideas without any controversy.  



Annette(40)Dan(hubby) Rosalynd(7/06)Jeremy(3/08) Isaac(3/10)

Dragonhead
by Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 7:41 AM
2 moms liked this

.

What's evident to me is that you've barely progressed from being a child yourself.

Your eye-for-an-eye method of dealing with your children is just one level above the elementary sandbox .

"Oh, yeah?" .. well, "Oh, yeah back at you!"


Grow up and be the adult ... respect your children as individuals simply because they are human beings with as many rights and braincells as you have yourself ... and because they are learning from every word you utter and every action you take.  Do you want them to grow up to be mean?


Offer them choices rather than dictate to them how it will be and LISTEN ... listen to them, don't manipulate  them like the schoolyard bully with tactics that take no more intellectual effort than the average parrot..


Grow up and be a parent .... not an adversary,,,

Someday you might be as lucky as I am ... your chld will have grown up to be your friend....

I sincerely hope so ....

.

.

Dragonhead
by Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 8:06 AM
1 mom liked this

It blows my mind how many people use the words "I BELIEVE IN ... "" thus and such method of parenting.

What is this stuff you BELIEVE in?    Is this some blind faith that you hope will work? 

Have you also given any time to  intellectual analysis into what you're choosing to do?

Don't you consider the fact that THINKING about it all might be equally if not more important?

BrightKisses
by Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 8:11 AM
Good Lord woman! You make the OP sound like the world's worst mother. I feel as though every parent has their own way of parenting. I like some of her methods.

Quoting Raven47:


Quoting BrightKisses: Around what age would you recommend doing this? My dd just turned 4 and while I love this concept, I'm a bit worried she may be too young. Right now she just gets no tv time if she acts up.

I recommend that you *never use any of the OP's methods of so-called discipline with your child.

In the future, if someone steals something out of your daughter's school locker do you then want her to go to their locker, and steal something out of it?

If you neglect to get your daughter up on time (one morning) causing her to be late for school ... do you want your daughter to retaliate by purposely doing something to cause you to be late for work?

Do you want to raise your daughter to believe that it's OK to humiliate peope if they use bad language or do something else that she doesn't like? 

This is what you will be "teaching" your daughter!



Anonymous
by Anonymous 27 on Dec. 12, 2013 at 8:18 AM

What about the third child? What do you do for her? You haven't mentioned her at all.

Hoppers33
by Platinum Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 8:26 AM
I came in here just to see what your method was, but now I'm endlessly entertained by the crazies. Good luck to all of these kids who are being taught that actions have no consequences and a calm talk will fix everything.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 37 on Dec. 12, 2013 at 2:15 PM
Thanks for raising more inconsiderate and vengeful children. Like we need more uncaring spiteful brats growing into childlike adults.

Quoting Hoppers33: I came in here just to see what your method was, but now I'm endlessly entertained by the crazies. Good luck to all of these kids who are being taught that actions have no consequences and a calm talk will fix everything.
Hoppers33
by Platinum Member on Dec. 12, 2013 at 3:32 PM
Last time I checked, actions having consequences wasn't a theory or a parenting method, but a real thing. Most of the time consequences aren't pleasant. How you create a spiteful brat by teaching this, I'm not sure.

Quoting Anonymous: Thanks for raising more inconsiderate and vengeful children. Like we need more uncaring spiteful brats growing into childlike adults.



Quoting Hoppers33: I came in here just to see what your method was, but now I'm endlessly entertained by the crazies. Good luck to all of these kids who are being taught that actions have no consequences and a calm talk will fix everything.
Mom4040
by Member on Dec. 13, 2013 at 1:30 PM

An eye for an eye comes from the Bible, your code just takes from it.

I would never physically harm my child, except a quick spanking in an extreme emergency. Hope they never tell a cop or other mandated reporter :\

Anonymous
by Anonymous 66 on Dec. 13, 2013 at 11:30 PM

This is logical and makes sense.  Some of it I read in a 'How to have a new kid by Friday' book.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)