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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

My, slightly controversial, way of parenting *confession* *edit*

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I use the code of hammurabi to parent my kids.  For those of you that don't know what that is, its where "an eye for an eye" comes from. 

I don't go to the same extreme as Hammurabi though. I wouldn't go around cutting their hands off. 

Here are some examples of what I mean

If they steal something, they get something stolen from them. Meaning I will take something from them and NEVER give it back or buy them a replacement. Most likely I'll sell it, give it to the person they stole from or send it to the salvation army.

If they use bad language or talk back to an adult I have them hold their tounge until I tell them to stop.  It gets uncomfortable and they can't talk (also they look silly).  

If they neglect their responsibilities because they don't want to, I neglect my responsibilities. "Oops I didn't want to take you to dance practice" seems to get to my oldest and "I don't want to go to the pool" works for my youngest.  


Of course this goes both ways. If they do something good, good things are returned to them.


I think it teaches empathy for other people. They don't want things to happen to them, so they don't do bad things to others. They respect others because they want to be respected as well. They know that whatever they do, or don't do to/for someone elsec an be returned to them tenfold.  It also teaches them that if they good for other people, good things will happen to them. It works


Bash away. 


I am too lazy to read and reply to all the messages so I am just going to address the FAQs right here. 

1. What will happen when they try this on someone else? 

Answer: They won't. They know that I am the adult and they are the children. They know it is not their place to discipline anyone else, but it is my job to discipline/reward them as I see fit. We are not equals. Did you ever try to give your friends spankings as a kid just because your parents spanked you? No (at least if you are a normal person you didn't)

2. How long do they hold their tongue for?

Answer: It varies depending on exactly what was said. 10 minutes is long enough. And yes they can breathe and swallow. 

3. If it worked they wouldn't be doing those things?

Answer: It works, so they don't. When my kids came to me they were used to being on their own. So stealing, being disrespectful and shirking responsibilities were all they knew. Now, they have me, and I like order. So they respect that, and they respect others around them.

4. Does it really teach them anything but revenge?

Answer: Yes. My kids are egoists, they put themselves 1st (it comes from having to fend for themselves). By showing them how things they do feel to other people, in terms of themselves, they learn empathy. Before I started this they wouldn't care about how someone else felt when they stole something from them or called them a name. Now they know how it feels, so they don't inflict that pain to someone else. 

5. What do I do if they hit someone else?

Answer: We haven't crossed this bridge. But I am not opposed to spanking so that would probably be what happens (or something equally as emotionally painful for my youngest).  My kids don't hit each other, or other people. My youngest is terrified getting hit, so she doesn't hit others (because she has learned that everything that she does has an equal outcome) My oldest hasn't hit anyone. They aren't violent kids (also I think they are too old to be "hitting". That is something a 4 year old does when they don't get their way). 

And yes, I do let them defend themselves if a problem persists and all avenues have been explored before it. 

How old are they?

They are 8 and 10. Fully capable of understanding cause and effect. 


by on Dec. 10, 2013 at 4:36 PM
Replies (431-440):
AmyHam
by on Dec. 14, 2013 at 2:16 AM
I agree it does sound a lot like love and logic and if done correctly isn't vindictive at all. Many parents today have become way too liberal and in turn children feel they are "owed." It's always someone else's fault. What happened to teaching children to own their actions and that with every action there is a reaction or consequence.

Quoting HaileysMom07180:

it actually sounds somewhat similar to Love and Logic.  i wouldn't say its exactly the same but pretty close.  love and logic is using equal parts of empathy and natural consequence to discipline the child.  essentially the same punishments only the parent would slap on the empathy to an almost embarrasing level, ie "oh i am so sorry you now have to stand there and hold your tongue until I'm not upset with your comment anymore" lol  

AmyHam
by on Dec. 14, 2013 at 2:27 AM
I see many different ways of parenting and this is a great way. It is upsetting you see it as vindictive and that there is a problem with the op's parenting or my agreement with it. I doubt very seriously she carries it to the extreme. It's a great way to teach children you reap what you sow and that their actions have consequences and it's not ok to do whatever you please without thinking how it will affect others. This is a great way to teach that. I'm sure her children learn from their mistakes the first time and don't make them again. I would also bet her children stop and think before they act about what the reaction or consequence will be from their action. It can also be done in a positive manner. It the child does something nice and is praised or they make someone happy because they did something nice, the next time they have a choice to make, they will remember the good feelings that came along with the action previously. It is NOT a vindictive way of parenting at all when done correctly, but it's also not for everyone.

Quoting Mackenzie40: Botit saddens me that you ,as a teacher , fails to see the problems with the so-called method the op has chosen .



Quoting AmyHam: Too bad you feel this way. As a teacher I think it's great to see parent involvement and to see them being proactive is amazing. It would be wonderful if it became an every day style of parenting for.parents. Most parents today take a hands off approach assuming the children will learn morals, values, and good behavior on their own. Or in between everything the states now mandate be to be taught academically teachers have time and it's their responsibility to parent their students.





Quoting Mackenzie40: Sounds vindictive to me.
HaileysMom07180
by on Dec. 14, 2013 at 10:07 AM

exactly

Quoting AmyHam: I agree it does sound a lot like love and logic and if done correctly isn't vindictive at all. Many parents today have become way too liberal and in turn children feel they are "owed." It's always someone else's fault. What happened to teaching children to own their actions and that with every action there is a reaction or consequence.

Quoting HaileysMom07180:

it actually sounds somewhat similar to Love and Logic.  i wouldn't say its exactly the same but pretty close.  love and logic is using equal parts of empathy and natural consequence to discipline the child.  essentially the same punishments only the parent would slap on the empathy to an almost embarrasing level, ie "oh i am so sorry you now have to stand there and hold your tongue until I'm not upset with your comment anymore" lol  


witch45
by Bronze Member on Dec. 14, 2013 at 11:29 PM

Iam going to try these things on my grandsons, just might work

MomtasticX2
by Bronze Member on Dec. 16, 2013 at 2:38 AM
1 mom liked this
Abuse to discipline your own children in a rational, non-violent way?? It wasn't that long ago when beatings were considered normal. Crazy to think that what you do would be anywhere near "abuse!" You don't beat your kids or duct tape them to the wall, you show them how their actions affect people. It's creative and gets the job done. Well done! I couldn't do it myself though. I'm a total softy :( But mine are still super young so who knows, I'll probably try that some day :)

Quoting AliKatAK47:

I know. I got the idea from a friend's mother. But I know some people think its "abuse". 

Quoting Anonymous: You are not the only one that does that style of parenting... :)


Anonymous
by Anonymous 67 on Dec. 16, 2013 at 3:01 AM
1 mom liked this
We do that as well. Now if they hit another instead saying oh we dont hit but then i turn around and hit them it wouldnt really solve anything. Hitting is automatic time out nose to the wall silence. Idk my kiddos are little though
Sweet_Carol_126
by Bronze Member on Dec. 21, 2013 at 7:34 PM

There should be consequences for bad behavior.  However, you are choosing to vary punishment as you see fit.  I don't think they should be deprived of something indefinitely.  If they stole something, they can return it.  And then they have a penalty but not to have something taken from them.  This is a bit too much.  If a kid doesn't make the bed, have them come home from school and make it.  If walking is too dangerous, then you might need to go get them as can't place them in danger.  you need to be very fair in the consequences or it makes them rebellious. 

MJ09
by on Dec. 24, 2013 at 7:24 AM

Well, I think it sounds like a good parenting technique. I think I will have to look into it some more. My daughter is only 4, but I think discipline is ver important and what better way than to show them their actions have consequences. Thanks for sharing, I will be definately stealing some of those ideas. (you can steal some of mine, lol :-))

ivyam
by Member on Dec. 26, 2013 at 6:21 PM

I just attempted the tongue holding thing, and it didn't feel abusive at all. My mouth was a little dry, but that's about the extent of the damage. I wouldn't condone someone having the shit beat out of them daily or pushed around even occasionally. That comparison isn't even appropriate to the scenario. Maybe throw in another acceptable kid-related punishment to be fair and logical. 

Quoting Raven47:



Quoting Anonymous:

So many self-righteous parents in this thread who think their way is the best. Kids do need some form of discipline or they turn into little monsters who ultimately don't respect their parents or anyone else. Wake up, people. A child holding their own tongue is NOT abuse. I was an abused child, and I would have preferred this mother's method of punishment over the shit I had to endure. And even as an abused child, I only ever hit another child when they started a fight with me. 

Get over yourselves, ladies. 

No one said that children should not be disciplined.

If someone forced you to hold out your tongue for ten minutes while your family (and possibly a friend or two) sat there watching you -- then you might feel differently about this punishment. 

If you had a friend whose husband beat the hell out of her, daily, would you be OK with your husband pushing you around every once in a while, because it's not nearly as bad as what your friend was suffering? 

Now, how about holding out your tongue for 10 minutes (and see how it feels to try to breath and swallow) since you don't think it's abusive. 








Raven47
by on Dec. 26, 2013 at 10:00 PM


Quoting ivyam:

I just attempted the tongue holding thing, and it didn't feel abusive at all. My mouth was a little dry, but that's about the extent of the damage. I wouldn't condone someone having the shit beat out of them daily or pushed around even occasionally. That comparison isn't even appropriate to the scenario. Maybe throw in another acceptable kid-related punishment to be fair and logical. 

Quoting Raven47:



Quoting Anonymous:

So many self-righteous parents in this thread who think their way is the best. Kids do need some form of discipline or they turn into little monsters who ultimately don't respect their parents or anyone else. Wake up, people. A child holding their own tongue is NOT abuse. I was an abused child, and I would have preferred this mother's method of punishment over the shit I had to endure. And even as an abused child, I only ever hit another child when they started a fight with me. 

Get over yourselves, ladies. 

No one said that children should not be disciplined.

If someone forced you to hold out your tongue for ten minutes while your family (and possibly a friend or two) sat there watching you -- then you might feel differently about this punishment. 

If you had a friend whose husband beat the hell out of her, daily, would you be OK with your husband pushing you around every once in a while, because it's not nearly as bad as what your friend was suffering? 

Now, how about holding out your tongue for 10 minutes (and see how it feels to try to breath and swallow) since you don't think it's abusive. 








I seriously doubt that you did this little experiment for a full ten minutes, but if you want to prove it then take a 10 minute long video of youself with your tongue sticking out of your mouth, and post it. 

You didn't feel abused, ivyam, because no one forced you to hold your tongue out of your mouth. It was your choice to sit there looking like a fool; rather than someoneewith power over you humiliating/degrading you by bullying you into sitting there like that. 

The comparison (that I made) is fair, logical, and appropriate in that no one should be bullied/abused to *any degree.

It's not OK to hit a person ten times - or ONE time. And it's not OK for mothers to inflict a *certain punishments on their children just because you would have preferred those punishments; that's illogical.







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