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MIL and Christmas ETA

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
So, we have four houses to go to on or around Christmas, and all of them are our parents. My stepdad's (he was the only dad I'd known for years, even though he's remarried he's still dad to me), my biological dad (he lives an hour away, but we just reconnected a few years ago and he's important to me), my grandparents (mom's side of the family, everyone on that side heads there for Christmas), and my MIL's.

We've been having a hell of a time divvying up holidays. We've got half figured out; my stepdad and his wife will get Christmas Eve morning with us and our 1 yo DD per their idea, and Christmas Eve evening will be at my dad's. Christmas Day is the part that's throwing us.

My whole life my grandparents have done Christmas breakfast. It's usually worked just fine, as the majority of people we know celebrate with extended families in the afternoon. Last year, for example, we came to MIL's in the afternoon and had breakfast at my grandparents' and it worked fine.

This year, just now, she's decided she's going to have Christmas breakfast and demands we be there at ten a.m. sharp. She's a half an hour from my grandparents' and by the time we get around to eating there, it'll be 10:30 or 11:00 before we can get to MIL's.

Well she exploded. She said she didn't get us on Thanksgiving and it's HER turn, and we're being inconsiderate and ignoring her. She said to hell with us if we were going to act like she's not a part of our family and that it's not fair, she made plans first and we should have accommodated them, etc.

We were entirely caught off guard. We explained we had been planning to come over RIGHT after breakfast at my grandparents' house, but she doesn't care. She says everyone will be gone by the time we get here so don't bother coming at all if we're going to be late.

We had indeed cancelled Thanksgiving plans because my grandma wasn't feeling well so I offered to do everything for her that day. Grandma ended up having a small stroke on Thanksgiving, and another one a couple of days ago. If I don't cook the breakfast for my side of the family on Christmas, Grandma says she's just going to cancel and just send everyone their presents.

Blah. I'm about to say to hell with it all and just stay home with DH and DD and forget about everything. I don't even celebrate Christmas, I celebrate Yule. I'm tired of getting bitched at any time I try to compromise, and I'm tired of MIL's alternating between screaming vulgarities and sobbing pitifully.

Bah humbug.

Eta: I understand. It does sound selfish of me, and weighted to my side. The reason there's so many on my side of the family is I come from a large one, and DH's is small. I'm the oldest of twelve siblings and there's at least 30 people at my grandparents' house alone, probably 50 at my dad's. DH's parents were divorced but his dad passed away a month after we started dating.

My main thing is that there are only two real holidays either of our extended families celebrate, and those are Thanksgiving and Christmas. With four houses to go to and two holidays, I'm trying to be equal in splitting them up, but it's not working. This is the first year we've done all this, though, and as it's bombing so bad, I'm probably not going to do it this way again.
Posted by Anonymous on Dec. 14, 2013 at 1:16 PM
Replies (21-30):
by CAFE SASSY HBIC on Dec. 14, 2013 at 1:59 PM

Go to your grandfathers for breakfast like you normally do and IF MIL "Explodes" then you have an excuse NOT to go to her  house

by Anonymous 6 on Dec. 14, 2013 at 1:59 PM

I hate this.  Why the hell can't people come to you?  You have your own family now!

(not bashing, just feeling your frustration).  HUGS!

by Stefanie on Dec. 14, 2013 at 2:07 PM
I'd go to my grandmother's over my MiL's any day. My in-laws are coming to our new house for Christmas. *We literally moved in Thanksgiving weekend* We still have to get this place sorted out and decorated before they get here. Talk about stressed...that's me! :/
by on Dec. 14, 2013 at 2:09 PM
1 mom liked this

Quoting abrine7673: Sounds like your mil changed her plans and your grandma hsd plans first. Tell mil to suck it up and quit acting like an entitled bitch.
Seriously. Being on this site is making me freak out about meeting so's mom on the 28th lol.

Don't freak out hun, not all mils are horrible or even bad. Mine for example is great.  She knows that each of her children have extended family that have been in and out of the hospital and most of us have to travel a couple hundred miles to get there, so to accommodate everyone she is holding Christmas the Saturday after Christmas. 

baby development

baby development
by Anonymous 7 on Dec. 14, 2013 at 2:11 PM
1 mom liked this
I was just thinking this. What about her husband's family..op sounds kinda selfish.

Quoting ripemango:

it does sound like your plans are heavily weighted toward your side of the family....

by Anonymous 8 on Dec. 14, 2013 at 2:13 PM
We deal with the same shit every year. We basically do what we want and have told everyone that they can accept the time that we can give them or not see is at all. It sucks...yes...because I have to listen to batching every year....but it's only once a year.
by on Dec. 14, 2013 at 2:19 PM

The entire thing sounds absolutely ridiculous. I notice that your mother is law is painted as the bad guy when the rest of plan is just totally nuts. She did not see you on Thanksgiving because you planned to spend it with your family.

If you want to enjoy the holidays and you want your children to enjoy the holidays you are going to have to do things differently beginning with the gatherings with your side of the family that you seem to take as an absolute given. 

Spending Christmas Eve with a father you don't even know is crazy. Also the solution to all of these conflicts is for you to host something at your house so that you can see everyone.

Explain that you are having an open house on Christmas Eve. Your father and your mother in law can see you then. 

If you honestly want to ruin your child's Christmas morning by going to someone's house for breakfast that is your business but I would suggest that you Christmas lunch or dinner instead. Why are you the only person in your famiy who can help your grandmother cook? 

by on Dec. 14, 2013 at 2:24 PM

I think these situations call for both flexibility and the courage to make a plan that works for your nuclear family. Your plan worked well for you but many people have siblings which means that their parnts have more than one child and cannot just be absorbed into a gathering of your immediate relatives on both sides. 

I realize that many people are not willing to be flexible and take turns but that works out best in most cases. Sadly it often means taking a hard line with people who make the holidays a nightmare by choosing to be selfish and stubborn. 

Quoting cindylou15:

Invite her for Breakfast ....problem solved then it becomes a new tradition you will have long after Grandma is gone :-)

Speaking from someone who no longer has any living parents I grasp every opportunity to embrace my in-laws not just for my husband but my children

We have NEVER done the house to house to "collect our loot" thing...I always did Christmas Eve everyone was invited ..Christmas day his parents have alway been brought here by santa ....and Christmas breakfast then dinner all made by me for both families ...I lost my mom last year and I am so thankful for all the years we all had together ....Our family has never had a HIS/HERS side we all became ONE when my husband and I married

by Gold Member on Dec. 14, 2013 at 2:28 PM
Whoever throws a fit about my decision would lose seeing me altogether. If your grandma and mil cannot accomodate splitting time then neither should see you. Your stepdad and dad don't seem to have an issue so those plans should remain.
by on Dec. 14, 2013 at 2:30 PM

What does your DH think?  I'd ask him what he wants to do, esp since so few of your holiday plans have revolved around his family.

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