This is going to be a VERY long post. I have not ever posted about this before, and, it's been quite some time. It's the holiday season again, and I really need some advice, suggestions, help, ANYTHING.
My father passed away five years ago. He was my best friend and the best man the world could EVER ask for. The holidays were always so wonderful with him. My mom and him were together until he passed, four days after their 24th wedding anniversary. My brother is extremely bi-polar, and once my father passed, he completely went off the handle. So, not only did I lose my father, I also lost my brother because of the hate that happened between my mom and my brother... which leads me to the whole title of my post.
My mother started dating a guy about two years after my father passed away. I didn't meet him until three or four months after they started dating. I went over to my mom's house for dinner, and my brother was there. Because my brother was on hard times, he was living withmy mom and I was living with my husband and children. I asked my brother, "How does ****** treat mom? I haven't met him - but you live here and want to get the whole scoop." Point blank he said, "don't you ever ask me about him, I'm moving next week because I cannot stand that mother fucker. I can't believe mom would ever bring him around you, after knowing what happened to you as a little girl, and have her bring that mother fucker around MY niece and nephew!" I asked him what the hell he was talking about (he wasn't on his meds at the time) and he said, "figure it out for yourself. This is ******'s last name. Google it. I don't want to fucking talk about it."
I get home, and I google. (well, I go on the sex offenders list on our local news station online) It has his name, his picture, and what he was registered for. Molesting (touching) his (at the time) two and five year old daughters. This was over twenty years ago, once this man did what he did, he felt extremely guilty and turned himself in. Because they were living on a Cherokee reservation, he was put in jail, for twenty years. He served his time, minus two years for good behavior. He had to go through the (I can't remember the exact person's name, but..) there is a board all sex offenders have to go through to see if they're allowed out, what their probation will be, what their label will be, etc.
I WAS FURIOUS! SHE let this man around MY TWO children WITHOUT telling me what he had done. I was sexually molested for over five years by my mom's uncle, which she knew nothing about until I told her when I was in residential treatment for an eating disorder when I was 16. HOW COULD she do that? She wanted us to "get to know him" before she told us. He told her on their first date what he did, who he was, how much jail time he spent, etc. Her view is that, he paid his time, he is in therapy (he goes to therapy 2x a week, goes to a man's group once a week for other offenders), he has a job and is a productive member of society, he treats my mother's well, he loves her, etc.
Because of this, my brother went off the handle and long story short, my mom put a restraining order on him because he broken multiple things of my mother's, threatened her, threatened my mom's boyfriend's life, stole her car, stole things my father bought my mom and pawned them, pawned his friends music equipment...it was bad. I haven't seen my brother in almost two years because he can't get over the fact I forgive my mom. I HATE what she did, I HATE that she dates this guy, but, she is a grown woman. She chooses to make those actions. After I found out what this guy did, my kids were no longer allowed at her home. They were no longer allowed to stay the night there and under no circumstances were they allowed to be around this dude without my mom and me present.
But..this brings me to Christmas. Our family has a tradition of doing Christmas on Christmas Eve. My SO (I've since gotten divorced, and live with my boyfriend of almost two years. We live in FL, my family lives in NC) does things on Christmas Day. My mom invited my SO's parents over for Christmas Eve dinner and in turn, my SO's parents invited my mom and ****** to come. The thing is, my SO'sbrother has three children and REFUSES to have ***** over withhis kids.... there will be multiple adults there, my kids won't be there because they'll be with their father (but we will have them Christmas Eve), but the point is... we're all ONE family (because my SO's brother is actually my cousin's wife... another long story...) and I don't think it's fair. The past two years, SO'sbrother won't let my cousin come to dinner with my family because he doesn't want to go and bring the kids, and then my cousin doesn't want to leave them home..so we're broken up. And I fear it'll be like this until either SO'sbrother gets over it, or my mom splits up with her boyfriend.
If you've made it this far, and have some type of input, please, give me some. ALL I want, all I've ever wanted since my father passed, was to have a calm Christmas. It's been shit ever since he died. I can't be happy during the holidays most times, and then I have to deal with this. It's not fair. You don't have to mingle with the dude, I just don't want my families to ALWAYS be separate. One reason (among a lot of other very terrible things) I left my ex-husband was because his family NEVER accepted our family (long before my father passed away) and we always did things separate...Thanksgiving, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Fourth of July... they never wanted to come over, never invited us over, so exdh, kids and I always had to run around constantly to make every freaking person happy...besides ourselves.
And for those that don't want to read, care to read, whatever... I'll just ask this question:
If someone committed a molestation more than twenty years ago, did his time (18 years in jail with therapy and rehabilitation inside as well), is still in therapy several times a week...would you be okay with including him in a family dinner?
ETA: There would be NO CHILDREN at the dinner, or during the time we are there. My SO's brother's kids will be with their mother and my two kids will be with their father during Christmas Day. I guess I didn't make that clear. So, no, he will not be violating anything, and no kids will be looked by the creeper. I thought I said if all the kids would be there, it would be a 13 year old, 11 year old, two 6 year olds and a five year old.