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I Secretly Hate When My Friends Get Pregnant

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I Secretly Hate When My Friends Get Pregnant

by The Stir Bloggers 

pregnant bellyBefore she even said it, I knew. She had ordered water with dinner. Girls night out without wine? She had to be pregnant. Sure enough, the confession came out. She was still in the first trimester, so I had to keep it quiet.

I've been pregnant. I have a child. I knew what I was supposed to say. I smiled. I hugged her. I gushed and said all the things you're supposed to say when one of your very best friends confides in you that she's expecting a child.

But inside, I just wasn't feeling it. If I dared to be completely honest with any of my half a dozen pregnant friends (seriously, what is in the damn water?), they'd probably be hurt and not want to talk to me again.

Because the truth is ... I hate when my friends get pregnant.

I'm a mother. I have a kid. I know that what I'm saying makes absolutely no sense.  But whoever said emotions make any sense?

I also know that what I'm saying is horribly selfish, but I think we're all kind of selfish sometimes. What's most important is keeping that selfishness bottled up inside and acting a lot nicer than we feel.

But who hasn't felt a little bit crappy when their friend announces they're pregnant?

The fact of the matter is, when a friend gets pregnant, you can pretty much guarantee that your lives are about to diverge like those two paths in the Robert Frost poem. She's about to dive back into sleepless nights and sh**ty diapers, and even though she is a brilliant, funny, fun woman to be around most of the time, you won't get to enjoy any of that awesome side of her because she just won't have TIME for you what with all those sh**ty diapers to change and sleepless moments. 

Your friendship is about to change, and as happy as you might be for her, I think it's OK to grieve that change. The fact is, you won't be as close as you were. You won't call her any hour of the day because you'll fear waking the baby, and she won't want to go out for a monthly girls night because she's breastfeeding and she wants to be near the baby.

Things will change.

I hate change.

I also hate myself more than a little bit for feeling this way because as a mother myself, I get it! I absolutely, 100 percent understand what new motherhood is like, and why a new mom doesn't have time for her friends. I was there once.

But now that my child is older, I have gotten back some of my own life. I CAN have a girl's night. I CAN spend an hour on the phone while my kid plays video games or Lego's. I CAN be a good friend and a good mother both.

A new mom just can't. 

And honestly, I'd probably be OK with all of this if we were just talking about a year or two. But when you have a child, it isn't just that new motherhood stage that divides you from your current friends. It's everything about life with a child from here on out.

What you do with your child dictates your own social life in many ways. If your child is in story hour at the library, you're making friends with the moms at story hour. If your child is in preschool, you're making friends with the moms at preschool. And so on. These are the women you have the most in common with at this point in time, after all. Friendship with them is easy. You don't have to bring out your brilliant, funny, fun sides with those moms to find something to talk about it.

The older my child gets, and the farther I get from pregnancy, the more I understand where the child-free folks are coming from when they can't muster a whole lot of happiness over a friend's pregnancy.

She's happy for her friend, but she knows what's coming: she will now have to compete for a piece of the pie not just against the baby (who will and SHOULD come first) but against all those other moms out there. She -- we -- have to share our friend.

I went to kindergarten. I know HOW to share, but let's face it, sharing kind of sucks. You never get as much as you really want.

Do you ever feel disappointed when a friend announce she's pregnant? Why?

by on Dec. 23, 2013 at 8:34 AM
Replies (11-20):
by on Dec. 23, 2013 at 10:01 AM
I never get jealous of my friends getting pregnant. I'm usually just as excited as they are.
by imjenndoe on Dec. 23, 2013 at 10:07 AM

No, I never have been disappointed.  I have four children.  My oldest is 21, next is 14 then 9 and finally almost 5...I have been going through the stages of pregnancy for over 20 years because I keep getting knocked up, LOL.  Finally, my youngest is in part time pre school and next year all day kindergarten. I also had a full hysterectomy so I won't be getting pregnant again.  I am always happy when my friends tell me they are expecting... especially if it is what they wanted.

by Silver Member on Dec. 23, 2013 at 10:08 AM
1 mom liked this
I think this is honest.

I have a child, and we're a "one-and-done" family. When my friends who have kids my son'a age are getting pregnant for the second and even their times, I do get a little sad that our lives are diverging a little. We were all FTMs with our first babies, and while mine is growing up so I can start to do things again, some of the moms in our group can't because they are pregnant/breastfeeding a newborn. It makes it hard to do anything that's not "mom" related.

My BFF is pregnant for the third time. I am thrilled for her because she's had two miscarriages and has been trying for over three years (we started trying for a baby in the same month and I have a two year old). I love her, but I already miss her! She's had hyperemesis and hasn't even been able to leave her house for almost 20 weeks. I am excited for the baby, but I am going to mourn the fact that we won't be in the same social group anymore. She'll find her own "mommy friends", just like I did. Things will be different. :(
by Emerald Member on Dec. 23, 2013 at 10:14 AM
Seriously what is wrong with you.You are a complete ass.
by Ruby Member on Dec. 23, 2013 at 10:37 AM

I have never felt anything but joy for them

by HAIL NUGGY! on Dec. 23, 2013 at 10:37 AM

I have two friends I dreaded revealing this pregnancy to...Thankfully they're my FRIENDS for a reason and their happiness for me overshadows their own fertility issues.

by on Dec. 23, 2013 at 10:39 AM

I feel no happiness, I just fake it and it's not because I don't want them to have a baby I just don't want to hear about it for 9 months "fragile" she is. It's irritating and the constant "because I'm a mom" excuse. I have 3 kids I get it I promise but damn!

by on Dec. 23, 2013 at 10:40 AM
when I had my son I always make time for my friends I only have two good friends made them the god parents. and what would do if my best friend got pregnant I would be so happy I keep saying she is not having babys fast enough she has zero as of now :(
by on Dec. 23, 2013 at 10:41 AM
I would never be jealous if my friend said she was pregnant again. I was happy for her though out her pregancy and when she had her baby in October.
by Silver Member on Dec. 23, 2013 at 10:45 AM


I wasn't supposed to get pregnant at all and now I have a DS who is 7 and a DS who's in heaven.  Even though jealousy creeps in for a moment, I am still excited for them!  

Quoting mommy_me: I personally find this incredibly sad and to be honest, petty. I have two children and can no longer have more. when a dear friend announces their pregnancy I feel nothing but joy for them because I know that they're about to experience something amazing.

I wont deny a pang of jealousy but that quickly fades when I think about the sweet baby to come that I will get to love and spoil.

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