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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

I Secretly Hate When My Friends Get Pregnant

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I Secretly Hate When My Friends Get Pregnant

by The Stir Bloggers 

pregnant bellyBefore she even said it, I knew. She had ordered water with dinner. Girls night out without wine? She had to be pregnant. Sure enough, the confession came out. She was still in the first trimester, so I had to keep it quiet.

I've been pregnant. I have a child. I knew what I was supposed to say. I smiled. I hugged her. I gushed and said all the things you're supposed to say when one of your very best friends confides in you that she's expecting a child.

But inside, I just wasn't feeling it. If I dared to be completely honest with any of my half a dozen pregnant friends (seriously, what is in the damn water?), they'd probably be hurt and not want to talk to me again.

Because the truth is ... I hate when my friends get pregnant.

I'm a mother. I have a kid. I know that what I'm saying makes absolutely no sense.  But whoever said emotions make any sense?

I also know that what I'm saying is horribly selfish, but I think we're all kind of selfish sometimes. What's most important is keeping that selfishness bottled up inside and acting a lot nicer than we feel.

But who hasn't felt a little bit crappy when their friend announces they're pregnant?

The fact of the matter is, when a friend gets pregnant, you can pretty much guarantee that your lives are about to diverge like those two paths in the Robert Frost poem. She's about to dive back into sleepless nights and sh**ty diapers, and even though she is a brilliant, funny, fun woman to be around most of the time, you won't get to enjoy any of that awesome side of her because she just won't have TIME for you what with all those sh**ty diapers to change and sleepless moments. 

Your friendship is about to change, and as happy as you might be for her, I think it's OK to grieve that change. The fact is, you won't be as close as you were. You won't call her any hour of the day because you'll fear waking the baby, and she won't want to go out for a monthly girls night because she's breastfeeding and she wants to be near the baby.

Things will change.

I hate change.

I also hate myself more than a little bit for feeling this way because as a mother myself, I get it! I absolutely, 100 percent understand what new motherhood is like, and why a new mom doesn't have time for her friends. I was there once.

But now that my child is older, I have gotten back some of my own life. I CAN have a girl's night. I CAN spend an hour on the phone while my kid plays video games or Lego's. I CAN be a good friend and a good mother both.

A new mom just can't. 

And honestly, I'd probably be OK with all of this if we were just talking about a year or two. But when you have a child, it isn't just that new motherhood stage that divides you from your current friends. It's everything about life with a child from here on out.

What you do with your child dictates your own social life in many ways. If your child is in story hour at the library, you're making friends with the moms at story hour. If your child is in preschool, you're making friends with the moms at preschool. And so on. These are the women you have the most in common with at this point in time, after all. Friendship with them is easy. You don't have to bring out your brilliant, funny, fun sides with those moms to find something to talk about it.

The older my child gets, and the farther I get from pregnancy, the more I understand where the child-free folks are coming from when they can't muster a whole lot of happiness over a friend's pregnancy.

She's happy for her friend, but she knows what's coming: she will now have to compete for a piece of the pie not just against the baby (who will and SHOULD come first) but against all those other moms out there. She -- we -- have to share our friend.

I went to kindergarten. I know HOW to share, but let's face it, sharing kind of sucks. You never get as much as you really want.

Do you ever feel disappointed when a friend announce she's pregnant? Why?

by on Dec. 23, 2013 at 8:34 AM
Replies (31-40):
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Dec. 23, 2013 at 11:22 AM

The only ppl I know IRL who've gotten pregnant that I have not been happy for have been my DH's youngest sister who got pregnant on purpose 17-years-old, and a friends daughter who got pregnant on purpose for the first time at age 18! She is up to 4 kids now! 2 of her kids have the same father and the other 2 have different fathers.

DH's sister had this crazy idea that getting pregnant at 17 was a really 'wonderful' idea! She and the sperm donor could get married, have their baby and live happily ever after! Nope! It did not end up that way! They were legally married for 1 1/2 years. They separated after only being married 10 months! DH's sister moved back in with my MIL. The sperm donor is thousands and thousands of dollars behind in his CS payments, as he has no education beyond High School! He was working at a very good-paying job for a High School graduate! He is an idiot, and walked away from that job, b/c he got mad at a co-worker who refused to apologize to him! Yeah!! He's real 'mature!!' NOT! So now their kid is 10-years-old! Who is raising this kid now? My MIL of course! DH's sister is a lazy butt! She will not get up in the morning to get HER kid ready for school! My MIL helps her with her homework, as DH's sister only went to school thru the 7th grade! YEP! Kids teased her at school and MIL got tired of the morning battles trying to get her child to go to school, so she lied and told the school she would be 'homeschooling' her daughter!! Not once did DH's sister ever do any homeschooling work ever! I was over there a lot and she didn't even have homeschooling books or anything! I called the Superintendent and told her what was going on, but she never did a thing about it!

My friends daughter has been a handful for years! She does drugs/alcohol/smokes cigarettes. Anyway, she meets a loser and gets pregnant with her first baby. Then she ends up pregnant again! Guess who watches her children while she works? Sometimes the dad does usually grandma does! Then they break up. She meets a new guy, another loser! She gets pregnant again! They break up. She finds another loser and yep! Baby #4 is HIS!! She works 40 hours a week, and rarely ever spends time with her kids! Her last baby was born within the last month or so! I was invited to her baby shower at a local restaurant on Facebook. I did not attend. I told my mom there is no way I can be happy for someone who has very little money, keeps popping out babies she cannot afford! She lives in low-income housing, collects welfare and is on welfare medical care! She also is well-known for selling her kids clothes to her friends who also have young children to get money to support her drug habit! Right before she got pregnant with #4, her mom had her all set up to go in and have her tubes tied! She didn't show up for the appointment, and got pregnant right after the missed appointment!! GRRRRR!!!!!!

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Dec. 23, 2013 at 11:23 AM

No because I'm not a teenager who doesn't understand that life changes.  I couldn't care less when someone gets pregnant.  Then again I've never just had to have tons of friends and no life of my own.

lacyleanne
by Gold Member on Dec. 23, 2013 at 11:39 AM

I don't think I've ever been jealous of a friend that's been pregnant, BUT I have been annoyed when the conversation is only about the pregnancy. That's usually how it goes. 

kellysp6637
by on Dec. 23, 2013 at 11:40 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree. 

I don't think there is anything wrong with the original post.....she isn't begrudging her friends having a child, but rather mourning a relationship that more than likely will be changed....and that's perfectly okay.

 

Quoting Amberleigh81: I think this is honest.

I have a child, and we're a "one-and-done" family. When my friends who have kids my son'a age are getting pregnant for the second and even their times, I do get a little sad that our lives are diverging a little. We were all FTMs with our first babies, and while mine is growing up so I can start to do things again, some of the moms in our group can't because they are pregnant/breastfeeding a newborn. It makes it hard to do anything that's not "mom" related.

My BFF is pregnant for the third time. I am thrilled for her because she's had two miscarriages and has been trying for over three years (we started trying for a baby in the same month and I have a two year old). I love her, but I already miss her! She's had hyperemesis and hasn't even been able to leave her house for almost 20 weeks. I am excited for the baby, but I am going to mourn the fact that we won't be in the same social group anymore. She'll find her own "mommy friends", just like I did. Things will be different. :(

 

angeleyes16
by Silver Member on Dec. 23, 2013 at 11:41 AM

I get super excited (for real) when a friend of mine gets pregnant. That means I get to baby-sit! lol I love babies. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Dec. 23, 2013 at 11:43 AM

I'm trying to be happy for my sil who is pregnate with her first. But not doing a ver good job with it. Could be because she and I have never really liked each other.

mrsjksimmons
by Member on Dec. 23, 2013 at 11:48 AM

Yes I do. Because I can't have anymore. It is too risky healthwise. I have quite a few health problems outside of pregnancy and being pregnant makes them worse. Not to mention I'm at risk for blood clots after my pregnancy with DS resulted in one that landed me in the hospital for 5 days when he was two weeks old.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Dec. 23, 2013 at 11:59 AM
After my friends have gotten pregnant again I go to the shower and sent them a gift when the baby is born. But I don't handout with them anymore until their kid is in preschool or daycare.
I agree with the writer I am selfish and I am okay with it.
ProudMommaBear
by on Dec. 23, 2013 at 12:02 PM
I actually lost one of my friends because she was like this. I changed to online school and had DD shortly after, my depression got worse, DD was born right before the holidays, DD had very extreme colic, etc. And she ended up hating me for not having time for her and now she calls me a slut, whore, etc. All because we went our separate ways when I had DD and she thinks I abandoned her. Luckily my other friends acknowledged that I had DD and they knew id be busier
Abby.N.Amys.Mom
by on Dec. 23, 2013 at 12:04 PM

Um, I don't agree with this article AT ALL and wonder what moron wrote it.

I'm not the one who's going to be dealing with the morning sickness, the uncomfortable pregnancy stages, sleepless nights... why should I care if my friends are having a baby? 

That's right, I don't.  I tell them congrats and wish them well!

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