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I Secretly Hate When My Friends Get Pregnant

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I Secretly Hate When My Friends Get Pregnant

by The Stir Bloggers 

pregnant bellyBefore she even said it, I knew. She had ordered water with dinner. Girls night out without wine? She had to be pregnant. Sure enough, the confession came out. She was still in the first trimester, so I had to keep it quiet.

I've been pregnant. I have a child. I knew what I was supposed to say. I smiled. I hugged her. I gushed and said all the things you're supposed to say when one of your very best friends confides in you that she's expecting a child.

But inside, I just wasn't feeling it. If I dared to be completely honest with any of my half a dozen pregnant friends (seriously, what is in the damn water?), they'd probably be hurt and not want to talk to me again.

Because the truth is ... I hate when my friends get pregnant.

I'm a mother. I have a kid. I know that what I'm saying makes absolutely no sense.  But whoever said emotions make any sense?

I also know that what I'm saying is horribly selfish, but I think we're all kind of selfish sometimes. What's most important is keeping that selfishness bottled up inside and acting a lot nicer than we feel.

But who hasn't felt a little bit crappy when their friend announces they're pregnant?

The fact of the matter is, when a friend gets pregnant, you can pretty much guarantee that your lives are about to diverge like those two paths in the Robert Frost poem. She's about to dive back into sleepless nights and sh**ty diapers, and even though she is a brilliant, funny, fun woman to be around most of the time, you won't get to enjoy any of that awesome side of her because she just won't have TIME for you what with all those sh**ty diapers to change and sleepless moments. 

Your friendship is about to change, and as happy as you might be for her, I think it's OK to grieve that change. The fact is, you won't be as close as you were. You won't call her any hour of the day because you'll fear waking the baby, and she won't want to go out for a monthly girls night because she's breastfeeding and she wants to be near the baby.

Things will change.

I hate change.

I also hate myself more than a little bit for feeling this way because as a mother myself, I get it! I absolutely, 100 percent understand what new motherhood is like, and why a new mom doesn't have time for her friends. I was there once.

But now that my child is older, I have gotten back some of my own life. I CAN have a girl's night. I CAN spend an hour on the phone while my kid plays video games or Lego's. I CAN be a good friend and a good mother both.

A new mom just can't. 

And honestly, I'd probably be OK with all of this if we were just talking about a year or two. But when you have a child, it isn't just that new motherhood stage that divides you from your current friends. It's everything about life with a child from here on out.

What you do with your child dictates your own social life in many ways. If your child is in story hour at the library, you're making friends with the moms at story hour. If your child is in preschool, you're making friends with the moms at preschool. And so on. These are the women you have the most in common with at this point in time, after all. Friendship with them is easy. You don't have to bring out your brilliant, funny, fun sides with those moms to find something to talk about it.

The older my child gets, and the farther I get from pregnancy, the more I understand where the child-free folks are coming from when they can't muster a whole lot of happiness over a friend's pregnancy.

She's happy for her friend, but she knows what's coming: she will now have to compete for a piece of the pie not just against the baby (who will and SHOULD come first) but against all those other moms out there. She -- we -- have to share our friend.

I went to kindergarten. I know HOW to share, but let's face it, sharing kind of sucks. You never get as much as you really want.

Do you ever feel disappointed when a friend announce she's pregnant? Why?

by on Dec. 23, 2013 at 8:34 AM
Replies (41-50):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 11 on Dec. 23, 2013 at 12:31 PM

I don't get upset when friends or family get pregnant because I'm scared to loose my own relationship with them.

I do get upset because I see far too often friends and family getting pregnant while still living at home with parents. I don't mean those accidents, they happen. But I mean trying to conceive with no place of their own. 

I lived with my parents when DD was little. We moved in with them because DH was having health issues and had many surgeries. We couldn't afford rent without his pay. We put off having a second child for 3 years until we were financilly stable and had over a year of being out of my parents house.

My bro and his gf move in with my parents after a month of dating and start TTCing. One of DH's cousins had all 4 of her kids at her parent's house and they all lived in one room. Then another had 2 of her 3 kids at home. And a few of my friends were TTC and had kids while living with parents. 

I can't understand how they do this. Many of them had ZERO income. I get so anger as I make sure my DD doesn't suffer, that we are financilly stable, and don't add to government assistance because I selfishly want another child. 

Right now DH and I are TTCing. We watched 3 people living at home with parents get pregnant right before us. It makes me almost regret trying to do this the right way. I could of been selfish and gotten pregnant when I wanted too, but I'm not build that way.

It's part jealousy, I know that. But I also feel that it is just wrong to burden your parents with your child.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 12 on Dec. 23, 2013 at 12:37 PM

i have miscarried and have no chilldren at this point in time. and actually, have decided at this point to not have children. we realized how much we enjoyed our freedoms. our money. our traveling. our friends.

i see my family members and friends getting pregnant. i dont feel disappointed, but my best friend hasn't gotten pregnant......yet. If/when she does, i may feel what you are feeling. I am not sure.

I do not see people with kids as people i want to be. I want to be free. At least for now. But....when my best friend gets pregnant, i will let you know where my emotions are at.

iamcafemom83
by Ruby Member on Dec. 23, 2013 at 12:45 PM
I don't understand the author's viewpoint. Just because someone has a baby doesn't mean that they are gone forever. A few weeks after having mine, I was ready to slip away for a couple hours with my friends to hang. And thank goodness they were ready to receive me!
When my friends announce pregnancy, I am excited for them and happy to bring a meal by after baby is born and get some newborn cuddles in, too! It's not a big deal.
mrs.hartman12
by on Dec. 23, 2013 at 1:10 PM

Wow I just loved my friends a lot more. I would be really sad to have friends like this article. 

alexsmomma06
by Platinum Member on Dec. 23, 2013 at 1:13 PM
This exactly

Quoting mommy_me: I personally find this incredibly sad and to be honest, petty. I have two children and can no longer have more. when a dear friend announces their pregnancy I feel nothing but joy for them because I know that they're about to experience something amazing.



I wont deny a pang of jealousy but that quickly fades when I think about the sweet baby to come that I will get to love and spoil.



Outspoken.Mime
by Platinum Member on Dec. 23, 2013 at 1:13 PM

I have never felt this way about my friends being pregnant.  The author of this is a self-centered selfish person and a completely shitty friend.

Outspoken.Mime
by Platinum Member on Dec. 23, 2013 at 1:15 PM

I agree with this.  A pang of jealousy is way different than "hate" and all the author talks about is how this baby is going to impact HER life and how she likes things.

What a self-centered bitch.

Quoting mommy_me: I personally find this incredibly sad and to be honest, petty. I have two children and can no longer have more. when a dear friend announces their pregnancy I feel nothing but joy for them because I know that they're about to experience something amazing.

I wont deny a pang of jealousy but that quickly fades when I think about the sweet baby to come that I will get to love and spoil.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 13 on Dec. 23, 2013 at 1:17 PM

I get slightly jealous, but only because I wished it was me having the baby. Hubby and I are done, so I get to enjoy spoiling other people's babies/children.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 14 on Dec. 23, 2013 at 1:19 PM
No i was so happy for my bestfriend when she told me she was pregnant. I couldnt wait to find out what she was having and was so excited for her.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 15 on Dec. 23, 2013 at 1:20 PM
1 mom liked this
I hate it too but for a different reason. I've had 4 miscarriages and want another baby more than anything. It seems everybody is getting pregnant around me and its very upsetting especially now that I just passed one due date and the other is next month. Also had my last loss three months ago. Add to it the fact that a couple of them have kids they dont take care of, two of them drink, smoke and do drugs.
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