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Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

What's wrong with me? Just kill me.

Posted by on Dec. 27, 2013 at 5:10 AM
  • 35 Replies

Less than an hour ago I'm feeling fine. Above fine actually. Thinking of all the things I never thought I'd have, but I do. Then in less than a second everything changed. I don't know what hit me.....Nothing is truly right. Sometimes it feels like I'm lying to myself. Like I'm happy with the way life is now, so I'm too scared to reach out and see if it could be better incase it could go all to hell  (I never thought it would be this good anyways.)

I spend so many hours crying over my best friend who died. I KNOW my life would be SO different if she were here.


But.....I actually don't have any emotions. Ever. I react to things because it feels like that is how I'm SUPPOSED to react. I could (and have) easily turn it on and off. Even when it comes to my best friend who has always been in my life and has had the biggest impact. I have no emotions on anything. Even if I were to die. I don't WANT to die, but I don't care if I do. Like I said, no emotions on it. No emotions on anything. I've been beaten, abused, used, sexually abused, thrown out, put into the street, etc....No emotions. I can't remember ever having emotions honestly. Even when I attempted suicide at 12,  I did it because it felt like that's what I was SUPPOSED to do after everything that had happened with losing my virginity to a 33 year old and then being raped by my uncle and my mom telling me I was the problem with the world. But honestly...I have no feelings on any of it. I occasionally get the small twinge of shame, but that's about it.



Can anybody relate? 

by on Dec. 27, 2013 at 5:10 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Dec. 27, 2013 at 5:16 AM
1 mom liked this
Yes. I started cutting as a young teen just so I could FEEL something. No one umderstood and I ended up in the local hospital's psych ward for a while.

I still don't feel things I should. I disconnect from real people but connect too strongly with ones in books or movies. My kids are the only ones I feel anything for and sometimes I question if I really feel that or just THINK I do because that's what I've been told a mom feels :(

Good luck, momma. It's horrible feeling empty.
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Dec. 27, 2013 at 5:21 AM
1 mom liked this
I'm numb inside as well. I've started cutting again to help bring back feeling...
Anonymous
by Anonymous on Dec. 27, 2013 at 5:21 AM

I had no emotions for a while. I was just getting by looking after my kids and the only reason I stayed on this earth was my babies. I was like a drone. I got everything done I needed to do but got no joy. I tried to play with the kids and pretend to be happy. I prayed that I could see in a crystal ball and see life in 10 years time and us all being happy. (actually that would make it worse cause then things really turned to sh*t but at least I could *feel* my emotions)

My friends commented that the voice on my answer machine was so perky and happy and it was a huge contrast to the monotone I had then.

Long story short it has got better, It took a long time. Going from feeling nothing, to feeling Everything was tough but it meant I was on the road to recovery.


Good luck ((hugs))

Danapopcorn
by AbbyCat on Dec. 27, 2013 at 5:22 AM
1 mom liked this

I started cutting at 10. I don't do it anymore, but I do feel the desire to. Everyone asked me SO many times "why". Why do did I cut myself? Why did I try to legit kill myself? Why did I want to die? etc. And I don't have an answer. It just felt like that's what I was supposed to do because I had no emotions. Even then, at 12, I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die either. It just felt like that's what everyone does and it's the normal reaction. Sometimes I wonder if all mothers truly love their children instantly or if they just feel like they HAVE to just because that's normal (Please don't take that as an insult anybody, I'm not claiming that you don't love your children.) Even my mom admitted to me that she didn't really love us, she just felt like she had to. I have NEVER understood the blood connection. Everyone talks about loving family and all that but blood means nothing to me. 

Quoting Anonymous: Yes. I started cutting as a young teen just so I could FEEL something. No one umderstood and I ended up in the local hospital's psych ward for a while.

I still don't feel things I should. I disconnect from real people but connect too strongly with ones in books or movies. My kids are the only ones I feel anything for and sometimes I question if I really feel that or just THINK I do because that's what I've been told a mom feels :(

Good luck, momma. It's horrible feeling empty.


Anonymous
by Anonymous on Dec. 27, 2013 at 5:23 AM

I actually feel like I am walking around with no emotions,but then, i have lost more than my fair share. I have lost my mother, my husband, (which is for the best.) My kids for a short time, and my home, my cats, one whom i have had since i was pregnant with my daughter, he was 6. several kittens due to fleas. Now my life is on  a upturn and i still cry, even though soon i will have it all. A loving and caring man, an adopted dd, and my two kids back.  It happens, believe me, I hope you feel better soon.


Danapopcorn
by AbbyCat on Dec. 27, 2013 at 5:24 AM

I react happily to so many things. and it's not really fake I guess but it isn't real. I'm not sad, I'm not happy, I'm not anything. I react to things just because...well that's how I feel others react and it's how I'm SUPPOSED to react. 

Danapopcorn
by AbbyCat on Dec. 27, 2013 at 5:26 AM

I'm glad things worked out for you. But I have never felt anything in my entire life. I have no emotions. I react because I think that's how I am supposed to react but none of them are true. I can literally just turn them off. I have just, never ever had them. Surely there's a name for this?

Quoting Anonymous:

I had no emotions for a while. I was just getting by looking after my kids and the only reason I stayed on this earth was my babies. I was like a drone. I got everything done I needed to do but got no joy. I tried to play with the kids and pretend to be happy. I prayed that I could see in a crystal ball and see life in 10 years time and us all being happy. (actually that would make it worse cause then things really turned to sh*t but at least I could *feel* my emotions)

My friends commented that the voice on my answer machine was so perky and happy and it was a huge contrast to the monotone I had then.

Long story short it has got better, It took a long time. Going from feeling nothing, to feeling Everything was tough but it meant I was on the road to recovery.


Good luck ((hugs))


Chandra314
by Bronze Member on Dec. 27, 2013 at 5:30 AM
1 mom liked this
I've read a couple of your previous posts and my heart goes out to you.
You write with such frankness--and even though you don't perceive to feel anything, I gather, from what I've read, that deep within you, emotionally, there is much pain and sadness.

May I ask if you are on any medication to even-out your emotions? I was on one once that zapped every type of feeling out of me--like I was a walking shell, acting on preconceived notions of what "humans were supposed to do". Changed the med and I came back. It's just a thought.

Also, you may be repressing so much of what happened to you throughout the years (especially with your friend's suicide) that in order for you to deal/live with your pain and her loss that you have sorta subconsciously hit the 'off' switch.

I remember you saying that you'd tried counseling and that it didn't work, but maybe a different therapist would help you emerge from this mental fugue.

Of course, I'm not claiming to know anything about you, and I hope I don't offend you by making some broad assumptions.
It's just that you seem like a nice person and your story has struck me as heart wrenching.

Perhaps meditation or a hobby would assist in you in feeling some interest in life and guide you back to a more emotionally balanced state of mind.

I hope things get better for you. If you ever need to chat, you can PM me.
I'll send some positive joojoo your way.

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Dec. 27, 2013 at 5:31 AM
I attempted my first suicide at 11, shortly after leaving my first foster home. Before that home and again after it I was the victim of emotional, sexual, and physical abuse. Children Services never listened so I ran away. When they found me I was sent back and labelled "troubled" and no one ever listened to me again. :( My first attempt was just a more advanced cry for help but the second was serious since the first failed and NO ONE would listen to how empty I was. I have attempted suicide many many times and most would have succeeded if not for someone intruding.

At 13 I started cutting. I was hospitalized for another suicide attempt at 16. Another at 18. Another at 25.

I like to think I'm "strong" and delude others into thinking it but in all honesty, the only thing that keeps me going at times is knowing my kids would be separated and likely never see each other again if anything happened to me. Neither man I chose to have children with is capable of raising them.



Quoting Danapopcorn:

I started cutting at 10. I don't do it anymore, but I do feel the desire to. Everyone asked me SO many times "why". Why do did I cut myself? Why did I try to legit kill myself? Why did I want to die? etc. And I don't have an answer. It just felt like that's what I was supposed to do because I had no emotions. Even then, at 12, I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die either. It just felt like that's what everyone does and it's the normal reaction. Sometimes I wonder if all mothers truly love their children instantly or if they just feel like they HAVE to just because that's normal (Please don't take that as an insult anybody, I'm not claiming that you don't love your children.) Even my mom admitted to me that she didn't really love us, she just felt like she had to. I have NEVER understood the blood connection. Everyone talks about loving family and all that but blood means nothing to me. 

Quoting Anonymous: Yes. I started cutting as a young teen just so I could FEEL something. No one umderstood and I ended up in the local hospital's psych ward for a while.



I still don't feel things I should. I disconnect from real people but connect too strongly with ones in books or movies. My kids are the only ones I feel anything for and sometimes I question if I really feel that or just THINK I do because that's what I've been told a mom feels :(



Good luck, momma. It's horrible feeling empty.


Danapopcorn
by AbbyCat on Dec. 27, 2013 at 5:33 AM

That's the thing....nothing is wrong with my current life. I have so much more than I thought I'd ever have. I'm above average....very privileged. I never thought I'd even make it to 20 years old, I figured I'd had a sucky life so I might as well risk everything and have as much fun as I could while I could. So I did....and I some how lived through it (despite a few close calls.) Nothing is wrong with my life....I've just never had any emotions at all. When I was 12, I tried to kill myself. I was in a mental hospital for a a month. I went home. Then I was put back into a group home for awhile. I was asked repeatedly "Why did you do it?" and honestly....I have no answer. It just felt like that was the normal response. Did I honestly feel like I wanted to die? No. Did I honestly feel like I wanted to live? No. I felt nothing, but I figured that was the normal response. 

Quoting Anonymous:

I actually feel like I am walking around with no emotions,but then, i have lost more than my fair share. I have lost my mother, my husband, (which is for the best.) My kids for a short time, and my home, my cats, one whom i have had since i was pregnant with my daughter, he was 6. several kittens due to fleas. Now my life is on  a upturn and i still cry, even though soon i will have it all. A loving and caring man, an adopted dd, and my two kids back.  It happens, believe me, I hope you feel better soon.



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