Less than an hour ago I'm feeling fine. Above fine actually. Thinking of all the things I never thought I'd have, but I do. Then in less than a second everything changed. I don't know what hit me.....Nothing is truly right. Sometimes it feels like I'm lying to myself. Like I'm happy with the way life is now, so I'm too scared to reach out and see if it could be better incase it could go all to hell (I never thought it would be this good anyways.)
I spend so many hours crying over my best friend who died. I KNOW my life would be SO different if she were here.
But.....I actually don't have any emotions. Ever. I react to things because it feels like that is how I'm SUPPOSED to react. I could (and have) easily turn it on and off. Even when it comes to my best friend who has always been in my life and has had the biggest impact. I have no emotions on anything. Even if I were to die. I don't WANT to die, but I don't care if I do. Like I said, no emotions on it. No emotions on anything. I've been beaten, abused, used, sexually abused, thrown out, put into the street, etc....No emotions. I can't remember ever having emotions honestly. Even when I attempted suicide at 12, I did it because it felt like that's what I was SUPPOSED to do after everything that had happened with losing my virginity to a 33 year old and then being raped by my uncle and my mom telling me I was the problem with the world. But honestly...I have no feelings on any of it. I occasionally get the small twinge of shame, but that's about it.
Can anybody relate?