Now I have to pay for a GD abortion by myself too. LONG and language
I'm really finding it hard not to hate my DH right now. The only thing saving him from being BEAT is how badly I hate myself.
He's been out of work for over a year. Leaving me to provide for our family on my own. We were just starting to get out of poverty when I got my job, and him losing his is just keeping us here. We don't have any financial assistance. He straight out refuses to look for a job.
Due to my mental health issues, and my body straight out rejecting others, we havent found a birth control that works for me. I've been tracking my fertility for three years and we practice abstinence during my fertile windows and use barrier methods (condoms) during the rest of the month. (Not that we have much sex anyway...) Three uneventful years... Three years without pregnancy scares.
Well, we had a break last month... I debated plan B, but decided that since it was so far out of my fertile window that it wasnt necessary, I wasnt showing any signs of ovulating either. BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. Peed on a stick yesterday. KNOCKED UP. FUCK.
We talked about it, decided abortion was the only responsible thing we could do. Im fine with it, but how are we going to pay for it? I was hoping he'd volunteer to find some odd jobs, sell some of his stuff, and not go to the gaming convention he goes to every January (true his friends pay for most of it, but I did save 50 dollars or so for him to pay for food)
Nope, nope, and nope. "Who's going to need odd jobs done this time of year?""No one is going to buy any of my stuff"and"Maybe I can take some games and try selling them at the con" (didnt you just say you 'couldnt' sell any of your stuff?)
Great. So it lays solely on my shoulders. As usual. If I dont qualify for financial relief at the clinic, its a 500 dollar cost (550 if I want the pill instead of suction.) PLUS the cost to travel there 2-3 times (2 hour drive one direction) (AND the money I will be losing taking about 5 days total off for it)
I just won a 26in tv at our work christmas party, so Ive got that... I can see how much my year and a half old nexus tablet my dad bought me will bring me... I'd sell my computer, but it's an old emachine so I doubt it will sell for much. Im taking it in just to see if he'll give me more than 25 bucks for it. We dont have any jewelry, nothing really of value, if I cleaned out my bank account today and neglected all our bills this week (which I cant do because they are auto withdraw,) Id have 200 dollars. I could return all our change, probably have 50 dollars there.
I am pissed. More pissed than I have ever been in my entire life. Mostly at myself, a 50 dollar pill could have stopped this. But I am too god damned stupid. But also at him, for leaving ME to deal with it ALONE. He's going to be lucky if I dont fucking leave his ass after this. I've had it up to HERE with his fucking laziness. Im trying BY MYSELF to give us a good life, to give the two precious children we already have a BETTER life than either of us had growing up (both really poor growing up)... he just doesnt give a fuck. And now this.
Im 26 years old with WORRY WRINKLES. Dont I deserve better? Don't I work hard enough I shouldnt have to worry about all this SHIT?!?! Dont I deserve a PARTNER who is willing to TRY?!
I probably wont come back to this post. I know it's going to be full of assholes and "you dont deserve jack shit" and "put the kids you already have up for adoption" in addition to the prolife bullshit. I dont have time for that nonsense, I have an abortion to pay for.