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I never told my son about how much guilt I have about his deceased father

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 2 Replies

My son who is 16 years old now never knew his father. My husband was a marine biologist and was living and working in Australia while I was pregnant with him. It was a strain on our relationship and we would fight  sometimes. One day he called and I was in a particulay bad mood. We got into a argument about how I was jealous of him and I never got do anything but stay home and be pregnant (I was on bedrest because of a leak). he told me he was sorry and he understand I was in a bit of a bad mood. I got really angry and literally said. I hate you and I dont ever want to talk to you again and hung up the phone. Later on that night I got a call that he had been in a two car collision. The person who hit him was drunk. He was killed instantly. I feel horrible. Those were the last words I said to my true love. I hate myself for that. I think about it everyday. I have never told my son this, I have never told anyone this. I never got remarried and only dated 3 times in 16 years. I could just never love anyone as much as I love him. I see my son in him more and more every day. I just needed to tell someone and I am not sure if I could ever tell my son. He just knows me and his dad as the greatest love story he knew. He saw the pics of us and knew from others how much in love we were. I just do not want to shatter that. But the older he and I get the more I think about it, not less.

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 8, 2014 at 1:25 PM
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Mandallyn
by Silver Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 1:32 PM
I'm sorry. :( I can't imagine how you must feel. They were words said in passion, and unlike what others say those words are not always true.

More than likely your husband knew you were feeling bad and that it was the pregnancy hormones not your true feelings. One moment of anger does not erase years of love.

Have you tried counseling? I think at this point in your life you deserve some measure of peace, and should seek someone to speak with about this.
almondpigeon
by Ruby Member on Jan. 8, 2014 at 1:36 PM

i could imagine how guilty i would feel if i were in the same situation.  however, logically, you know you didn't cause his accident and you know that he knew how loved he was.  i wouldn't tell my son those things.  not at 16 anyway.  he's too young to appreciate what you're feeling, really.  since he's never had an adult romantic relationship, he wouldn't be able to understand the interchanges between adults.  

i agree with pp, try some counseling or therapy and try to forgive yourself.

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