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My Husband's Sex Addiction Drove Me to Divorce Him

Posted by on Jan. 9, 2014 at 9:28 AM
  • 54 Replies

My Husband's Sex Addiction Drove Me to Divorce Him

by The Stir Bloggers

Early on in a relationship, the sex is new and exciting and awesome. And you want it all. The. Time. There’s that new love euphoria that clouds your rationality that maybe there’s more to life than being physically intimate with this person, because zomg the touching just feels so good, and he seems to love your body, and your body loves his body, and crazy awesome hormones are pumping through your veins, and it really is like being in an altered state of reality.

When you’re in a new relationship with someone you really like, and they really like you too, you basically both become sex addicts. You want it when you want it, and damn the consequences. So what if you’re a little late to work -- that quickie before you got out of bed that morning was totally worth it.

Eventually though, those feelings settle down, and you either break up or you move to a new level of relationship; one that maybe isn’t quite as exciting, but definitely much more comfortable. You get to know each others bodies really well, but you also get to know each other better, and pick up on each other’s cues, and respect them and take care of them, and know that it’s ok if they’re occasionally not feeling the groove.

Unless you’re with a sex addict.

I didn’t realize I’d married a sex addict until years after our wedding day. We only dated for a few months before we got married, so basically I was still in sex-addict mode myself when I promised to love him until I died.

Eventually, I’d start wishing I were dead.

My ex-husband truly believed he owned my body, and that I was in the wrong if I ever denied him access. When I wouldn’t give in to his advances because I was friggin’ tired from taking care of little kids, or not feeling well, or just because I didn’t feel like it right then, he would coldly turn his back on me and heave deep sighs of put-upon-ness, and I would cry myself to sleep because I just wanted to feel loved without having to have sex.

More from The Stir: Sex Addiction's Surprising Ties to Mental Illness

He told me that he was being respectful by only wanting it daily, because he thought three times a day or more would be a good amount, but even he realized that was a bit much to ask of a wife. See? He was being really respectful of me! Why didn’t I appreciate him more?

When you’re with someone that wants it all the time, there’s never a chance for you to want it. You know he’s constantly thinking about it. It’s the only way he feels like he’s living, and it drains the life out of you.

He turned to porn. I wished he would turn to other women, but as the long-suffering husband, I don’t think his psyche would allow for it. The porn further warped his sexual expectations, and his bitterness at my continued reluctance to be physically intimate with him more than 3-4 times a week grew.

He started ignoring me outside of the bedroom too, and I don’t think we had one real conversation the last two years of our marriage. I tried to talk to him about it, but he said there was no problem and it was all in my head, and he looooooved me so much. It was my problem, not his.

Eventually I started declining more and more, and when he touched me I would inwardly cringe. All touch leads to sex. One of the red flags I had ignored early on in our relationship was his comment that there was no point in touching if it wasn’t going to lead to sex.

When he started just climbing on top of me, I didn’t call it rape because I didn’t stop him, even though I had told him I didn’t want to do it. I lay there, hating myself and hating him and wishing he would cheat on me so I could have an excuse to leave. He hated that I didn’t seem into anymore.

We went to couples therapy and the therapist wanted to put me on anti-depressants. I didn’t have the fortitude at that point to try another therapist. Meanwhile, I had started individual counseling, and was slowly re-establishing my own self-worth.

One night when I really did push him away, he punched the pillow next to my head, and for the first time I was really scared. He turned his back on me and in minutes was snoring. I lay awake all night wondering what to do.

I started saving money. I gave up trying to talk to him. We were like two ice cubes living together. The kids were anxious a lot. A few months after the pillow-hitting incident, I hired an attorney and filed for divorce. I moved out with the kids with nothing but the photo albums, some clothes, and my car.

Then all hell broke loose, because all of a sudden I was the heartless bitch that left her devoted, loyal husband without just cause. I’ve been called a whore to my face. I’ve lost friends, and acquaintances look at me with pity reserved for those that are making major mistakes. I’ve been told I’m ruining my kids’ lives, but the truth is that they’re doing better than ever.

I’m doing better too. My body is mine again, and I will never again let someone convince me that I don’t have total ownership over it.

Have you ever dealt with sexual abuse?

by on Jan. 9, 2014 at 9:28 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jan. 9, 2014 at 9:33 AM

I did eventually divorce my husband for just about the same thing. He began cheating and it became extremely difficult to live in his life as he was. He needed to seek help for himself. I haven't seen him close to 6 years and are divorced as well.

I am remarried and love my husband and he's been a great example of love.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 9, 2014 at 9:34 AM
My ex was and I stayed for 16 years . I couldn't take it anymore he would scream and yell at me and the kids would hear over sex sometimes I would give in and just cry till he finished or he would jack off right in bed next to me . I was raped as a child and it just grossed me out
Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 9, 2014 at 9:37 AM

My husband has had sex with me even when I cried in pain. Then says sorry after....If he was realy sorry he would not do it.

Abby.N.Amys.Mom
by on Jan. 9, 2014 at 9:41 AM

I would never be married to a sex addict.  I've seen what they do IRL and I want no part of that.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 9, 2014 at 9:47 AM
2 moms liked this
I could have written this story myself. There was NEVER one time he showed affection without wanting sex. He started groping me constantly, and would get angry when I would tell him to stop. The more he pressured me, the more I resisted.

He first turned to porn, which I was actually happy about until he would come to me immediately afterward and expect me to perform whatever act he just watched. He was detached during sex, and it made me physically ill to be doing some of the things he demanded.

Eventually he moved from porn to trying to meet people on Craig's List. When I found out, I cut sex off completely. I'm not putting my health at risk, sorry. I told him if he did not attend counseling with me, it would be over. He went, and put on a good act for quite a while, going to SAA meetings and counseling. The behavior never stopped though.

The breaking point was a night in July. We had gone to bed, and at 2am I woke up to him groping me. I pushed him away and told him to knock it off, and he snapped. He flipped me over and tried to rape me. I fought him. I was terrified. He left that night, and it took me a few hours before I decided to call the police. I made a report, got an RO, but never pressed charges. I filed for divorce 2 weeks later.

He continued to try to manipulate me into staying, and I admit, when he used the kids I wavered more than once. The divorce finally went through, and I have never looked back. I am very happily remarried to a wonderful man, and am finally experiencing what marriage is all about.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 5 on Jan. 9, 2014 at 11:41 AM
1 mom liked this

The boyfriend I was with previous to my now husband was like this.  Exactly.  We lived together. This was him to a T.  Including the "Rape".  I was scarred for years and the "sexual" scars have carried over into my marriage. 

All touch with him DID lead to sex and it took a long time for me with my husband to see it wasn't like that with him.  My DH gets it, gets ME . . . and he has never, ever pushed the issue.  He has not been upset when there are dry spells. 

We have been married 10 years . . . 2 years ago I realized I was still looking over my shoulder in fear of my ex . . . he stalked me for a long while after the breakup.  I told my husband I needed closure, and with his ok, I contacted my ex via FB and did exactly that.  We hashed out everything . . . I ranted at him, we talked about the miscarriage we'd had, he ranted at me, it was vicious.  But the funny thing is . . . now we are civil.  I got my closure, and now my marriage and my sex life are everything I wanted them to be. 

I know not everyone is like me, and able to do that. 

But for me . . . doing what I did, 9 years later, allowed me to let go of my fear, my insecurity, and to become self confident again. 

It's funny how life is. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 6 on Jan. 9, 2014 at 12:06 PM
1 mom liked this
3to 4 times a week....that's addicted what?......my husband and I don't get too kuch time together during the week...weekends befire kids wake up and after they go to sleep it might be 4to 5 times in a weekend......
Anonymous
by Anonymous 7 on Jan. 9, 2014 at 12:09 PM
6 moms liked this

It would have been great if the "journalists" responsible for this article had provided any proof whatsoever that the man was a true sex addict.

What, they didn't think that was remotely relevant here?  After all, sex addiction is relatively rare, I really think a definitive diagnosis of sex addiction is warranted under the bashtastic circumstances of this article's details.


sandy201282
by Bronze Member on Jan. 9, 2014 at 12:32 PM

you know the saying...i have the pu**y so I make the rules...yay....its true, noone gets to say when I have to have sex....I was married to a man that thought it was ok to throw fits if I didnt have sex with him and threatened once to "just do what he wanted anyways".....I said ok, i suppose you could do that, but one of us will be going to the morgue  tonight. Never happened again.....i did divorce him eventually but it wasnt because of sex, he understood me loud and clear after that night.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 8 on Jan. 9, 2014 at 12:35 PM

 my boyfriend does the same to me. There's never an apology after though. He gets angry and tells me to get over it and if I don't like to leave so he can just get another bitch. I would leave but I have two small children and no where to go right now. I understand first hand how u feel.

Quoting Anonymous:

My husband has had sex with me even when I cried in pain. Then says sorry after....If he was realy sorry he would not do it.

 

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