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PLEASE HELP -- LAZY HUSBAND!!!

Posted by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:37 PM
  • 11 Replies

I have been married for almost 4 years.  I am an attorney, active in the Jewish community, have a post-graduate degree,a nd continue my secular and religious education.  I am also the cook, the cleaner, the caretaker for our two boys.  I get up with them in the middle of the night, I take the older one to day care (that I pay for), and I make sure that all of the bills are paid and all of the maintenance of the house is taken care of.  My parents were married for 51-1/2 years until my dad passed away.

My husband: never finished 2 years of college, is a stay at home dad, and complains all of the time how busy he is and overwhelmed by the children and the home.  He says I am too demanding because I don't like him breaking things, ruining things, leaving things out, and not having any responsibility for any of the bills.  His parents were divorced and were married 7 times (father to 4 people and mother to 3 people).  He gets on me about taking a 1 hour class in the evenings (after the youngest is asleep already).

I ask him to do the simplest things and he ignores me or does the opposite.  He claims that I am too picky or he doesn't mean to do it.  He puts wet towels in a bin to sit for days without washing them, he cuts plastic tags on clothing and leaves the two pieces in the carpet on counters or on the floor for me to walk on or the babies to put in their mouths.  He lets laundry pile up and then wants a thank you for washing and folding them (while I am working all day). When I ask what he did in the day, he yells and says "I did laundry."  We all know that putting it in the washer takes 1 minute. Putting it in the drier takes one minute. Folding takes about 5 or 10 minutes.  What happened to the rest of the day?

He claims to have "friends." I ask why we never see them and he says they are on-line guy friends who all say that what he is doing is okay.  I told him that he does not need to listen to people who are similarly situated because they will agree with him; after all, they are doing the same thing.

Today, my husband and I agreed to see a rabbi and abide by whatever he says.  I let my husband speak first.  I let my husband say whatever he wanted to say.  My husband complained that I take a women's shiur class for an hour a night and that I didn't ask his permission first.  The rabbi shot that down and said I should take the calss and I did not need to ask permission.  My husband said "of course he will say that, he is a rabbi."  The rabbi asked my husband if he cooks to which he responded "no."  My husband asked if we should go to counseling. The rabbi said "why? all it does is make people air their dirty laundry to someone else."  My husband asked again and the rabbi shrugges and said "if you want to go, then go." My husband took that as the rabbi suggesting we go.

Then, the rabbi told a story about when he was traveling on a plane with a beautiful moral to the story. My husband claims he didn't hear it.  The rabbi said he knows people who work 2 doors down from their home. My husband said "the rabbi said he knows people who work 2 hours away from home."

Whatever he said, my husband heard the opposite, didn't hear it, or said "he is a rabbi, of course he will say that."  We BOTH agreed to abide by whatever the rabbi said (which is my husband should do his job around the house if I am working hard), and now my husband won't abide by what the rabbi said.

My husband leaves out canopeners on the ground on top of plastic -- not very good for my feet, for a 2 year old or for an infant to be around.  The room at the end of the hall is a pig pen full of clothes on the floor, in bins, overflowing from drawers, and under a bed.  The bathroom he uses at the end of the hall has his stuff all over the counter with open caps, overflowing toothpaste onto a beautiful counter (that is now stained), and overflowing drawers.  Did I mention that he does not flush the toilet? He says "I didn't want to wake the baby: 1. it wouldn't wake the baby, 2. the "stuff" is still in the toilet 12 hours later when the baby has been awake all day, 3. no apology and it happens again the next day.

I have offered to teach him how to cook. I have offered to pay for cooking lessons. His mother came over the other day and put goldfish crackers on the floor for our 2-1/2 year old to pick up and eat! I was outraged but didn't say anything.  His mother is allergic to fish. When I wanted to feed our toddler some tuna salad on Shabbos, his mother said "I am allergic." Am I wrong that she should have left the room so I can feed lunch to my toddler? Instead, my husband defended her and said "our son had hummus, so that was his lunch."

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help!!! Comment what I should do. I have discussed this with him dozens and dozens of times.  He wants to go to counseling.  I told him that a counselor will make us come back multiple times (for the money). I also asked: "if the counselor tells you everything I have asked is reasonable and you should listen to me, will you do it?" He said "yes."  I then asked: "why don't you try it first and see how it goes without having a counselor tell you -- I am your wife and it will make me happy." He said"I want someone else to tell me."

The, he asks why I get upset when he does something over and over that is detrimental to me, our sons, or our marriage.

PLEASE HELP!!!! Am I wrong? 

by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:37 PM
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Replies (1-10):
BEXi
by BEXi on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:41 PM

I wouldve left soooooo long ago!


I dont get why you dont believe in counselors, but you will go to a rabbi. I think you should give therapy a chance. They offer great advice, and of course they do it for the money. It's their job.

Roo1234
by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:43 PM
before I offer any suggestions...I want to ask: Why did you may him? What were the qualities that you saw in him that made you believe he was the right man to spend your life and energies on?
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:50 PM
If you're so tired of it then leave. All he's doing is making excuses for not doing anything and you're letting him get away with it. If you don't want to leave him then don't complain.

I'd suggest you threaten to leave and take you and the kids to a hotel or families home and stay there for awhile. Maybe only them he'll realize the situation and change if not then you NEED to let him go regardless of how you feel because it'll only get worse.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:52 PM

There is no way I would stay married to someone who acted like that.  Why did you marry him?  He needs to grow up and act like a man. He sounds like an immature child. 

I would also go to counseling as a couple if he wants to go.  I would go as a couple and maybe record what is said so he can't twist it around.  I would wonder if he does not have mental issues.

Yakirah
by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:56 PM

I married him because he promised: 1. to finish college before a child would turn 5 (he has not taken one class in 4 years); 2. He was employed (now, he wants to get a parttime job and pay for help at home with his part time money -- that is nuts); 3. We had sex (that is almost non-existent because he cannot have sex with someone who tells him what to do or doesn't respect him according to him); 4. he had real live friends -- not cyber friends who complain all day on line (like I am doing now for the first time); 5. I didn't have to deal with his mother or father like I am now; 6. He was a different person then (that he will blame on me for improving myself, making the money, paying the bills, etc.) 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:59 PM
I am not defending his behavior bc he sounds like he is full of excuses, but taking care of children all day is time consuming and exhausting. I work part time but mostly stay home with my toddler and I can barely get anything done. He won't sleep by himself and wakes the minute I leave the room so I get maybe dishes or laundry done while he is playing for 10 mins on his own. Just giving some insight from different point of view.
Roo1234
by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 8:21 PM
Right or wrong becomes unimportant when your beating your head against the wall.

you didn't list one valid reason for having chosen to marry him. You didn't say he was passionate, driven, you didn't even mention love. He may have changed since the wedding, but I'm betting it isn't really as much as you think. More likely, you have just taken the blinders off to who he really has always been. If you think hard, there are probably kids of "little things"that you have a pass to during the early part of the relationship.

How long did you know/date him before marrying?

Why isn't he working? Was it a choice you made together, it circumstances?
What happened to all his old friend? Were they from his work, a past life? Are his friend married or single?

You say your the kids'caretaker, but if he is home with one during the day, depending on the personality if the child, it can be very time consuming to be a stay at home parent.
lunyuny
by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 8:24 PM
You need to hold him to this promise

Quoting Yakirah:

I married him because he promised: 1. to finish college before a child would turn 5 (he has not taken one class in 4 years); 2. He was employed (now, he wants to get a parttime job and pay for help at home with his part time money -- that is nuts); 3. We had sex (that is almost non-existent because he cannot have sex with someone who tells him what to do or doesn't respect him according to him); 4. he had real live friends -- not cyber friends who complain all day on line (like I am doing now for the first time); 5. I didn't have to deal with his mother or father like I am now; 6. He was a different person then (that he will blame on me for improving myself, making the money, paying the bills, etc.) 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 19, 2014 at 9:56 PM
I'm just as lost as you.
Bump
StytchWytch
by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 10:36 PM

He will not change unless he wants to. I would put the children in child care to ensure they are cared for properly and suggest he get a job.

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