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Posted by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:49 PM
  • 25 Replies

I have been married for almost 4 years.  I am an attorney, active in the Jewish community, have a post-graduate degree,a nd continue my secular and religious education.  I am also the cook, the cleaner, the caretaker for our two boys.  I get up with them in the middle of the night, I take the older one to day care (that I pay for), and I make sure that all of the bills are paid and all of the maintenance of the house is taken care of.  My parents were married for 51-1/2 years until my dad passed away.

My husband: never finished 2 years of college, is a stay at home dad, and complains all of the time how busy he is and overwhelmed by the children and the home.  He says I am too demanding because I don't like him breaking things, ruining things, leaving things out, and not having any responsibility for any of the bills.  His parents were divorced and were married 7 times (father to 4 people and mother to 3 people).  He gets on me about taking a 1 hour class in the evenings (after the youngest is asleep already).

I ask him to do the simplest things and he ignores me or does the opposite.  He claims that I am too picky or he doesn't mean to do it.  He puts wet towels in a bin to sit for days without washing them, he cuts plastic tags on clothing and leaves the two pieces in the carpet on counters or on the floor for me to walk on or the babies to put in their mouths.  He lets laundry pile up and then wants a thank you for washing and folding them (while I am working all day). When I ask what he did in the day, he yells and says "I did laundry."  We all know that putting it in the washer takes 1 minute. Putting it in the drier takes one minute. Folding takes about 5 or 10 minutes.  What happened to the rest of the day?

He claims to have "friends." I ask why we never see them and he says they are on-line guy friends who all say that what he is doing is okay.  I told him that he does not need to listen to people who are similarly situated because they will agree with him; after all, they are doing the same thing.

Today, my husband and I agreed to see a rabbi and abide by whatever he says.  I let my husband speak first.  I let my husband say whatever he wanted to say.  My husband complained that I take a women's shiur class for an hour a night and that I didn't ask his permission first.  The rabbi shot that down and said I should take the calss and I did not need to ask permission.  My husband said "of course he will say that, he is a rabbi."  The rabbi asked my husband if he cooks to which he responded "no."  My husband asked if we should go to counseling. The rabbi said "why? all it does is make people air their dirty laundry to someone else."  My husband asked again and the rabbi shrugges and said "if you want to go, then go." My husband took that as the rabbi suggesting we go.

Then, the rabbi told a story about when he was traveling on a plane with a beautiful moral to the story. My husband claims he didn't hear it.  The rabbi said he knows people who work 2 doors down from their home. My husband said "the rabbi said he knows people who work 2 hours away from home."

Whatever he said, my husband heard the opposite, didn't hear it, or said "he is a rabbi, of course he will say that."  We BOTH agreed to abide by whatever the rabbi said (which is my husband should do his job around the house if I am working hard), and now my husband won't abide by what the rabbi said.

My husband leaves out canopeners on the ground on top of plastic -- not very good for my feet, for a 2 year old or for an infant to be around.  The room at the end of the hall is a pig pen full of clothes on the floor, in bins, overflowing from drawers, and under a bed.  The bathroom he uses at the end of the hall has his stuff all over the counter with open caps, overflowing toothpaste onto a beautiful counter (that is now stained), and overflowing drawers.  Did I mention that he does not flush the toilet? He says "I didn't want to wake the baby: 1. it wouldn't wake the baby, 2. the "stuff" is still in the toilet 12 hours later when the baby has been awake all day, 3. no apology and it happens again the next day.

I have offered to teach him how to cook. I have offered to pay for cooking lessons. His mother came over the other day and put goldfish crackers on the floor for our 2-1/2 year old to pick up and eat! I was outraged but didn't say anything.  His mother is allergic to fish. When I wanted to feed our toddler some tuna salad on Shabbos, his mother said "I am allergic." Am I wrong that she should have left the room so I can feed lunch to my toddler? Instead, my husband defended her and said "our son had hummus, so that was his lunch."

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help!!! Comment what I should do. I have discussed this with him dozens and dozens of times.  He wants to go to counseling.  I told him that a counselor will make us come back multiple times (for the money). I also asked: "if the counselor tells you everything I have asked is reasonable and you should listen to me, will you do it?" He said "yes."  I then asked: "why don't you try it first and see how it goes without having a counselor tell you -- I am your wife and it will make me happy." He said"I want someone else to tell me."

The, he asks why I get upset when he does something over and over that is detrimental to me, our sons, or our marriage.

PLEASE HELP!!!! Am I wrong? 

by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:49 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:54 PM
Honestly I am not normally one to jump to divorce but if you are telling the whole story then you have tried to fix the situation. Time to get out of it.
by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:54 PM
You are going to just have to set some boundaries. Tell him he has x amount of time to get a job and you two can hire a decent nanny, or he can move in with his mother until he is prepared to provide.
by Anonymous 1 on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:55 PM
Way too long to read.
by Ruby Member on Jan. 19, 2014 at 7:56 PM

why would you even believe he would do anything a counselor said to do after the stunt he pulled with the rabbi?  I really don't see a happy future for the two of you, there really isn't a single positive thing about him in that post.

by Silver Member on Jan. 19, 2014 at 8:03 PM
He's asking to go to counciling. That sounds like a very reasonable request. It can't hurt and it could help you both get on the same page.
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 19, 2014 at 8:11 PM
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Go see a counselor.  Give him the benefit of the doubt.  But I honestly think he will react to the counselor the same way he reacts to you and the rabbi.

Honestly, I would put both kids in daycare and tell your DH to find a job.  ANY job. Even minimum wage.  Or he can go and live with his Mother and eat goldfish off the floor.


by Member on Jan. 19, 2014 at 8:12 PM

I have a stay at home husband that takes wonderful care of our 5yr old son. Gets him up and ready for school (breakfast morning routine packs a lunch) and drives him there. During the day he generaly cleans up, dishes, makes the beds, takes out the trash, some laundry. after school he picks up our son and does all his homeowrk and helps him study. Usually has dinner in progress or about to start dinner by the time I come home from work. HOWEVER, I am the only one financially supporting our family, paying bills, and taking care of routine things (oil changes, doctors appointments, runs to home depot). My home is no where near spotless, of course i want him to do more at home (like actually put away the laundry or clean the bathrooms) but i pick my battles. He's a good man that loves the opportunity to stay-at-home but It did take A LOT of work (and time) to get him to where he is now. Seeing a councelor might be what he needs to hear in order to be a better husband and home caretaker. He obviously does not value your opinion because his opinion has be validated by his 'online friends'. Having a third-party opinion might be what he needs to see his foolishness. IMO daily 'bitching' about the situation didn't help, it just allowed for more arguements and nothing got done. Our life is far from perfect but it's much better now than it was. Good luck, hope everything works out!

by Anonymous 3 on Jan. 19, 2014 at 8:16 PM
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You married him! Deal with it! Get him to work he is probably depressed at home. His wages can pay for daycare. You also sound overbearing, men aren't like us... You knew all this shit before you married him.
by Anonymous 4 on Jan. 19, 2014 at 8:17 PM
A) too long

B) you married him
by Ruby Member on Jan. 19, 2014 at 8:25 PM
I would suggest counseling. If the counselor agrees with you then he will either do it or move in with mommy dearest.
I don't know why you would comment on his parents' marital status or his college degree.

This kind of sounds like a man wrote this. We have had a few of those type posts.
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