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Is this fair (custody/CS)

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
Disclaimer: Yes, I know I'm an idiot, I had a brief bout of stupidity, you don't need to inform me. I've hated myself ever since.

That said. I've been talking to the man I'm about 90% sure is my youngest DD's BD. Pending the results of the DNA test What we've discussed is me keeping sole custody of DD, but I will take her to him for visitation, I'm not asking for child support or medical, I can provide all that and have been, but he has to help with the gas and room costs for visitation and once it goes to overnights he provides for her at his home. I live in Killeen, he lives in Houston, it's a 400 mile round trip for him to see her. He doesn't even want the DNA test, he's sure she's his, I'm insisting to be on the safe side.

He wants me to bring her to him, which is fine, but that means I have to find childcare for my other two kids and take time off from work. Is it fair for me to ask him for help to make visitation happen? I do want to make note that I really don't know him that well, (hence the bout of stupidity) I want to get to know him as well while DD does, just so I know she's safe with him.
Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 22, 2014 at 5:30 PM
Replies (91-99):
SueSahara
by Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 9:55 PM
that is not quite true it depends on what state you live in I know that in New York if you have physical custody of the child when you file a petition for custody the courts would not take that child away from that parent no matter if she lived with them before not.

Quoting MommyAddie: That's not true. If you are unmarried

and he is proven to be the father, you retain sole physical and legal custody until there is a court order in place, which is his right and responsibility to seek. He doesn't automatically gain any legal custody just by proven paternity.



These are the exact words from the general subpoena of a circuit court for establishing paternity (I'm a court reporter): "Until the Court orders otherwise, the mother shall have sole legal custody of the child."




Quoting lillettemomma: As the custodial parent (in most states) you are responsible for getting your child to and from visits unless otherwise stated in a court order..... Also if you were never.married and there is no Co then he has as much rights as you don't on the said child once dna has been proven just so you know
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 22, 2014 at 9:55 PM
No. I am, I am the one that wants it, and there is a chance she's not his. Until we know for sure, she remains my sole responsibility, after that we can revisit options and details.

Quoting chanizen: Ok. I'll be honest and say that I would never do this. I think it is a setup for failure. And the reasons you are giving may seem very nice to you, but I'm still going with; he needs to take SOME responsibility. It comes with being a parent.



I'm not suggesting you be a bitch, it sounds like he isn't willing to put forth any effort: is he even paying for the DNA test?



Quoting Anonymous: I signed on for being solely responsible for her when I chose to give birth. This agreement is just temporary. He will be expected to take some responsibility, but after 5 years married to a man in the military I know how rough the transition back to normal civilian day to day can be. So I will evaluate, assess, and act accordingly. He does the DNA test and we go from there.





I'm a nice person, but I can pull the bitch card with a vengeance when needed, I just hope he gives me no reason to.





Quoting chanizen: And my answer is still the same. Why would you be taking the full financial burden AND the burden of raising the child AND taking the child to visit him.







It sounds like he is bearing no responsibility at all and probably never will.







And yes, I have been a single mom and one who gets on very well with my ex.







You are setting yourself up to be a doormat. And your child to be someone he sees and deals with only if it is completely convenient.















Quoting Bonnie_:

Make him   come to  you  and  he can  visit  with  her in your presence.

chanizen
by Silver Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 10:11 PM
1 mom liked this
*shrugs*

I'm being very honest here: not trying to bash. If I were you, I would prove paternity and expect him to take responsibility. Including cs and a co. Or I would let HIM come after me.

You've notified him. If he wants to be a father and intends to be a good one, he will support his child and take steps to see the child.

If he doesn't: he says things like "I'm not going to pay cs, I won't come to visit. You come visit me instead."

Whatever. It's your life. I wouldn't be giving him a total pass. "Child deserves to know their father". Maybe. But what is the point of knowing a deadbeat who doesn't want you?

If he intends to be a good dad, he cannot do so only if it is utterly convenient and with no strings attached.

Good luck

Quoting Anonymous: No. I am, I am the one that wants it, and there is a chance she's not his. Until we know for sure, she remains my sole responsibility, after that we can revisit options and details.



Quoting chanizen: Ok. I'll be honest and say that I would never do this. I think it is a setup for failure. And the reasons you are giving may seem very nice to you, but I'm still going with; he needs to take SOME responsibility. It comes with being a parent.





I'm not suggesting you be a bitch, it sounds like he isn't willing to put forth any effort: is he even paying for the DNA test?





Quoting Anonymous: I signed on for being solely responsible for her when I chose to give birth. This agreement is just temporary. He will be expected to take some responsibility, but after 5 years married to a man in the military I know how rough the transition back to normal civilian day to day can be. So I will evaluate, assess, and act accordingly. He does the DNA test and we go from there.







I'm a nice person, but I can pull the bitch card with a vengeance when needed, I just hope he gives me no reason to.







Quoting chanizen: And my answer is still the same. Why would you be taking the full financial burden AND the burden of raising the child AND taking the child to visit him.









It sounds like he is bearing no responsibility at all and probably never will.









And yes, I have been a single mom and one who gets on very well with my ex.









You are setting yourself up to be a doormat. And your child to be someone he sees and deals with only if it is completely convenient.



















Quoting Bonnie_:

Make him   come to  you  and  he can  visit  with  her in your presence.

SueSahara
by Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 11:05 PM
please do not agree to drive 800 hundred miles with a child so that you can take your daughter to see her father (my ex lives 400 miles away from me and the two times in the last 17 months that I've taken my daughter to see him was excruciating some kids don't travel good) it's exhausting REALLY exhausting especially if you're driving by yourself you're going to get tired of it very quickly and because the agreement is signed in that manner you going to be stuck doing it until you can change the agreement if he really wants to see his daughter he will figure out how to come and see her. This is the option that I gave my ex the first couple months he was so mad he didn't see her. So sorry for him after that he started coming once a month once every 2 months just for the day and goes right back home because he can't afford to stay in a hotel not my issue my kid is no longer stressed out and upset from the travel that's all I care about

Quoting Anonymous: Disclaimer: Yes, I know I'm an idiot, I had a brief bout of stupidity, you don't need to inform me. I've hated myself ever since.



That said. I've been talking to the man I'm about 90% sure is my youngest DD's BD. Pending the results of the DNA test What we've discussed is me keeping sole custody of DD, but I will take her to him for visitation, I'm not asking for child support or medical, I can provide all that and have been, but he has to help with the gas and room costs for visitation and once it goes to overnights he provides for her at his home. I live in Killeen, he lives in Houston, it's a 400 mile round trip for him to see her. He doesn't even want the DNA test, he's sure she's his, I'm insisting to be on the safe side.



He wants me to bring her to him, which is fine, but that means I have to find childcare for my other two kids and take time off from work. Is it fair for me to ask him for help to make visitation happen? I do want to make note that I really don't know him that well, (hence the bout of stupidity) I want to get to know him as well while DD does, just so I know she's safe with him.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Jan. 22, 2014 at 11:50 PM
Mine are all good travelers, we travel from here to my hometown in Indiana 2-4 times a year and it's a 2000 mile round trip. The baby alone has made that trip twice. From here to there is three hours, I've seen my kids last two days in the car.

The traveling itself I'm not worried about, it's the sheer expense of it that I can't manage. It's too much. By the time you factor in gas, hotel, meals just for me and the baby, you're looking at $250-$300 at least per trip for one night.

That's INSANE. Not when $60 bucks could get him here and back. I have a 6 bedroom home, no one minds him staying as long as he doesn't pull anything funny, and we cook so much at every meal that one more person isn't a big deal.

Quoting SueSahara: please do not agree to drive 800 hundred miles with a child so that you can take your daughter to see her father (my ex lives 400 miles away from me and the two times in the last 17 months that I've taken my daughter to see him was excruciating some kids don't travel good) it's exhausting REALLY exhausting especially if you're driving by yourself you're going to get tired of it very quickly and because the agreement is signed in that manner you going to be stuck doing it until you can change the agreement if he really wants to see his daughter he will figure out how to come and see her. This is the option that I gave my ex the first couple months he was so mad he didn't see her. So sorry for him after that he started coming once a month once every 2 months just for the day and goes right back home because he can't afford to stay in a hotel not my issue my kid is no longer stressed out and upset from the travel that's all I care about



Quoting Anonymous: Disclaimer: Yes, I know I'm an idiot, I had a brief bout of stupidity, you don't need to inform me. I've hated myself ever since.





That said. I've been talking to the man I'm about 90% sure is my youngest DD's BD. Pending the results of the DNA test What we've discussed is me keeping sole custody of DD, but I will take her to him for visitation, I'm not asking for child support or medical, I can provide all that and have been, but he has to help with the gas and room costs for visitation and once it goes to overnights he provides for her at his home. I live in Killeen, he lives in Houston, it's a 400 mile round trip for him to see her. He doesn't even want the DNA test, he's sure she's his, I'm insisting to be on the safe side.





He wants me to bring her to him, which is fine, but that means I have to find childcare for my other two kids and take time off from work. Is it fair for me to ask him for help to make visitation happen? I do want to make note that I really don't know him that well, (hence the bout of stupidity) I want to get to know him as well while DD does, just so I know she's safe with him.
SueSahara
by Member on Jan. 23, 2014 at 1:11 PM

BLESS YOUR BABIES LOL. My daughter was good for about half of the trip the second half she spent "singing" (she has VERY HIGH octave capabilities) and wiggling in her car seat i swore she was gonna fly off the seat. If you are dead set on doing these trips (which it seems like you are from your responses) why not stagger them where you go to him for one trip he comes to you for the next so that i does not become overwhelming for any one person. Trust what other pp say on the fact that if he is truly interested in being her father and in her life he will try to find a way to make things work and will be humble and compromising just so that he can see his daughter.

Quoting Anonymous: Mine are all good travelers, we travel from here to my hometown in Indiana 2-4 times a year and it's a 2000 mile round trip. The baby alone has made that trip twice. From here to there is three hours, I've seen my kids last two days in the car.

The traveling itself I'm not worried about, it's the sheer expense of it that I can't manage. It's too much. By the time you factor in gas, hotel, meals just for me and the baby, you're looking at $250-$300 at least per trip for one night.

That's INSANE. Not when $60 bucks could get him here and back. I have a 6 bedroom home, no one minds him staying as long as he doesn't pull anything funny, and we cook so much at every meal that one more person isn't a big deal.

Quoting SueSahara: please do not agree to drive 800 hundred miles with a child so that you can take your daughter to see her father (my ex lives 400 miles away from me and the two times in the last 17 months that I've taken my daughter to see him was excruciating some kids don't travel good) it's exhausting REALLY exhausting especially if you're driving by yourself you're going to get tired of it very quickly and because the agreement is signed in that manner you going to be stuck doing it until you can change the agreement if he really wants to see his daughter he will figure out how to come and see her. This is the option that I gave my ex the first couple months he was so mad he didn't see her. So sorry for him after that he started coming once a month once every 2 months just for the day and goes right back home because he can't afford to stay in a hotel not my issue my kid is no longer stressed out and upset from the travel that's all I care about



Quoting Anonymous: Disclaimer: Yes, I know I'm an idiot, I had a brief bout of stupidity, you don't need to inform me. I've hated myself ever since.





That said. I've been talking to the man I'm about 90% sure is my youngest DD's BD. Pending the results of the DNA test What we've discussed is me keeping sole custody of DD, but I will take her to him for visitation, I'm not asking for child support or medical, I can provide all that and have been, but he has to help with the gas and room costs for visitation and once it goes to overnights he provides for her at his home. I live in Killeen, he lives in Houston, it's a 400 mile round trip for him to see her. He doesn't even want the DNA test, he's sure she's his, I'm insisting to be on the safe side.





He wants me to bring her to him, which is fine, but that means I have to find childcare for my other two kids and take time off from work. Is it fair for me to ask him for help to make visitation happen? I do want to make note that I really don't know him that well, (hence the bout of stupidity) I want to get to know him as well while DD does, just so I know she's safe with him.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 14 on Jan. 23, 2014 at 1:14 PM
I would have him come to you.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 15 on Jan. 23, 2014 at 1:16 PM
Ok so you barely know him but you are taking your child 400 miles to.visit him? What if its a trick to kill you and rob you? Im sorry but i watch alot of crime tv.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 16 on Jan. 23, 2014 at 1:21 PM
Get a DNA and a court order period. Even if you don't want anything from him or you will end up screwed.
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