Currently accepting applications for one position that just opened up for a NEW full time best friend. Please, only serious prospects inquire. MUST meet ALL qualifications.
*Must be available ANY time. (day, night, weekends, holidays, ect.) ANY TIME
*Must have a specialty in late night/early morning traumatic phone calls with acceptable advice! (No take a Xanax and call me in the morning)
*Must be a female or a gay guy with proof of sexual orientation! (Basically if your telling me your gay to be my new BFF I want to see you make out with him first before I process your application)
*Must be funny, crack jokes (occasionally at me) always at other people, family members included, no discrimination. Everyone is a target.
*Must have a PAID subscription to a GPS service! (Previous BFF got me lost in downtown Sacramento and we ended up in a scary alley where I thought I was going to die. True story)
*Must be willing to make your home my home and vice versa. (In other words, I won't ever knock I will act like I'm at home, sleep in your bed, usually always with you staying up late and laughing, talking, gossiping ect)
*MUST NOT HAVE PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE!! (If you have previous experience than someone dropped you as their BFF and I don't want their baggage)
*Must be accommodating to my needs as they do change frequently
Last but not least (which is why I'm hiring)
*Must NEVER EVER EVER force BFF to stick a foreign object up their rectum! No matter how much you think it is needed or necessary, NEVER EVER even suggest such a thing! This kind of behavior is grounds for IMMEDIATE termination!!!
Now, if you MEET all of these requirements, please submit your resume with at least 5 references. No, family members don't count! Further attach a photo of yourself as looks aren't everything but I will have to be seen in public with you as i do have a image to with hold. No ratchetness! Credit report, background check and fingerprinting maybe required!
CANT WAIT TO MEET MY NEW BFF!!!! ARE YOU THE ONE????