Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Mom Confessions Mom Confessions

I am not letting my DD donate a kidney to her half sister

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
I have primary custody as well as sole medical, educational and religious decision making power for my ten year old DD. My ex has a DD with his girlfriend who is now 4 and needs a kidney transplant. Without my knowledge or consent, he took DD to be tested to see if she is a match. That alone violated the court order as he is only allowed to seek emergency medical services for her. As it happens she is a match. Last week, when my ex dropped her off after his visit, he told me he had her tested and she is and he thinks she should get to make that choice herself. Of course this was only after telling her she is a match and making her feel she has to. I talked to her about it and after realizing that he and his girlfriend have put it in her head that she doesn't have a choice there is no way I will even consider letting her do it. She said she was scared but felt like she had no choice. I told her that her half sister can get on a list and get one from someone who has already passed away and doesn't need their kidnies. I also explained that because she is so young there is a real risk that one kidney is not going to last her the rest of her life. Then i put it on myself and told her she has no reason to feel guilty because its not her choice anyway, its mine and I am saying no. She understands at least as well as she can and I told my ex that if he ever brings up donating again or in any way tries to make her feel guilty I will take him to court for violating the court order by having her tested. He said that he can't believe I am being "like this" and as her sister DD should donate. I have a feeling court will be in the near future. Seriously though, what kind of person puts pressure on one child to donate to another?
Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 2, 2014 at 12:56 PM
Replies (611-620):
mmtosam06
by Platinum Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 8:27 PM

That wouldn't fly and you're right she can get on a waiting list.

SuchAKillJoy
by Gold Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 8:28 PM
2 moms liked this
All I can say is I would do that for my own sister without needing to be asked. Even at a young age. Shes my little sister, I would not and could not live with myself if something happened to her. Especially something I could have stopped.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 122 on Feb. 3, 2014 at 8:32 PM
1 mom liked this
I wouldn't let my daughter do that. I would have already called my lawyer and got that settles right away!
Anonymous
by Anonymous 123 on Feb. 3, 2014 at 8:36 PM

It absolutely shouldn't be your DDs choice.. she is too young to make that decision.

I can understand your reservations, but how would you feel if it was your daughter who was sick and the SM wasn't helping save her.

Maybe you're a match too? That might be a good alternative? Save your daughter the pain, without any of the guilt?

Anonymous
by Anonymous 124 on Feb. 3, 2014 at 8:39 PM
1 mom liked this

I would be so pissed at my ex and even if my dd was a match she would not be donating a kidney to that child. I'm worrying about my kid no one else. 

Anonymous
by Anonymous 7 on Feb. 3, 2014 at 8:58 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree with you, he was out of line. But when your child might die you aren't always rational. I'm speaking from experience.


Quoting Noelledawn: I think the key in this is that you said op would contact the FATHER, not guilt trip a child. He manipulated his daughter and abused his power as an authority figure in her life.



Quoting Anonymous: If her sister dies, your daughter will realize someday that she could have prevented it.


If your daughter was dying, you would be banging on your ex husbands door asking for his daughter to donate a kidney.
sburger315
by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 8:59 PM

Don't forget the fact that the father took op's daughter to get tested w/o her knowledge and against the court order. They wouldn't have even known she was a match if they never took her to get tested. 

Quoting Noelledawn: I think the key in this is that you said op would contact the FATHER, not guilt trip a child. He manipulated his daughter and abused his power as an authority figure in her life.

Quoting Anonymous: If her sister dies, your daughter will realize someday that she could have prevented it.

If your daughter was dying, you would be banging on your ex husbands door asking for his daughter to donate a kidney.


Luke 3/15/11    Maddie 4/29/12    Identical Twin Girls Due 5/29/14

Noelledawn
by Silver Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 9:27 PM
I can't imagine what that's like, and I don't know much about this procedure, but it sounds like this wouldn't be something she could walk away from unscathed. She's too young to have to be dependent on medication and undergo something so risky! She said she was scared, too. Don't forget that there are two children involved in this.

Quoting Anonymous: I agree with you, he was out of line. But when your child might die you aren't always rational. I'm speaking from experience.





Quoting Noelledawn: I think the key in this is that you said op would contact the FATHER, not guilt trip a child. He manipulated his daughter and abused his power as an authority figure in her life.





Quoting Anonymous: If her sister dies, your daughter will realize someday that she could have prevented it.



If your daughter was dying, you would be banging on your ex husbands door asking for his daughter to donate a kidney.
chanizen
by Silver Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 9:33 PM
Can I ask how often the father takes visitation? How often in the past year? Has he been a consistent presence in his eldest daughter's life? If not, why?

How well does he know the child you share.

Mommy2fourchics
by Bronze Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 9:41 PM
Quoting uriahadel: Honey judges give orders and takes them away.

My sister had primary custody of her kids nd the medical was solely her decisions for 7 years! It changed in 1 day. The father took her back to court and he violated every court order there was but he won this last year abduction guess why? The judge ordered in favor of the oldest child. He wanted to live with his father. The judge listened to him and his sister, and the judge listened to both parents. The judge assigNed a guardian lottom in the best interest of the children. The guardian lottom was never able to prove my sister unfit but based on what my nephew wanted, the judge ruled for the father. He now has primary custody of all 5 children and the ultimate decisions is now left up to him. She gets visitation.

Yes a judge has the power to change any court order that they once made. My sister has been fighting for 7 years and she finally lost all because of 1 child's say so. The younger 3 didn't want to go but they Dont split children up so all had to go.

Quoting Anonymous:

I don't see the judge taking away the medical decisions from OP considering they were given to her by a judge in the first place. Obviously there was something that made whatever judge rule in favor of giving OP sole medical decision making authority and the father going directly against that order and taking the 10 y/o in w/o OP's consent is going to work against him, not for him.

Quoting uriahadel: I never said a judge would make her donate her kidney.

All I was saying is that the mother does not have control over what happens especially if a judge is brought into it. A judge may not order her to donate her kidney but a judge very well migjt order her to have her own attorney regarding what she really wants without biased opinions from either parents.

While I Dont agree with a 10 year old donating their kidneys, I still know how the court works and if the child for some reason want to after talking to whoever the judge orders then the mother has no say so in what happens.
And more then likely when going back to court the old court order will change and the father will have more say and more rights.

All I was trying to say is she needs to do whatever she can to work with him and that means doing all her research and talking to whoever she needs to talk to and bring in someone for her dd to talk to so she can prove she is doing all she can to work with the father. And if after all that her final decision is still no and he takes her to court, she has proof she did all she could in the best interest of her child and not out of spite for her ex.

What the judge hates the most is selfish, vindictive and controlling parents. She is his child too and the judge will take that into consideration. And trust me they will rule in the best interest of the child regardless of what it is and if the child wants it then they will rule for the child. They will take the child away frOm both parents and have someone talk to the child and get to the bottom of what they want.

She just doesn't need to think that just cause she has that order now that it is set in stone cause it is not and the judge can and will very easily rule against her... and if the father takes her to court for a change then the judge will most grant him the order of change which is why she needs to do whatever she can that shows she is cooroperating with him in the best interest of her child.

Quoting nb34:

But how is it in the best interest of her DD to donate her kidney? This is a difficult decision for adults to make, a child should not have to make that decision.

Not having a kidney could mean she has to alter her whole life in one way or another. She has to be super careful with her diet,  the sports she plays and etc. How is that fair to put a 10 year old child in that position? No judge should have the power to compel her to donate her kidney.

Quoting uriahadel: No honey that is not how it works! He can take you back to court and the judge has the final say!!! It would not matter if yall did not agree or if yall did. The judge would rule in the best interest of the child regardless of what either parent said.



My sister went through a custody battle for years and the judge almost took the kids away from both of them! In the end the judge has the final say!!! When you get divorced or have to go through a judge for custody then the say on what happens to those kids no longer belongs to the parents, it belongs to the judge and if the judge feels in any way that the parents are being selfish and not doing what is in the best interest of the children then he can and will remove them. So never underestimate a judges authority! It triumps any parents authority.

My sister and her ex is still going to court and my sister is not an unfit parent. Judges are cracking down on mothers now and they will not hesitate to put you in your place.

Quoting Anonymous:
Quoting uriahadel: This.. .

Do research and talk to doctors before even deciding. Maybe have her talk to a doctor and child psychologist so that both of your opinions are out of it and she can have her own opinion and choice about it. They will know how to talk to her and get down to how she feels about it.

She is stuck in between a mother and a father that she loves and she has a sibling that needs help and by both of yall talking to her it will just make her more nervous and more to agree with both sides when faced with either parent. This is when a third party is necessary.

And while now it is ultimately your decision he can take you back to court and have that ruling overturned. Then it will be left out of both of your hands and a judge will decide and it may not go your way. Usually in cases like this the child can have her own attorney and ultimately it wYill be left up to the judge.

If I were you I would do all the research and talkto wwhoever I can and have my child talking to who they needed to to make the best decision regarding my child.

If You say no and he takes you to court then neither of you might not like what the judge rules.

Quoting steph0420: He should have absolutely talked to you first but I think you should consider that you could save a little girls life. What if it was the other way around and it was your DD who needed the kidney and his DD that was a match.


actually it can't be taken out of my hands. Worst case scenario my ex can take me back and get joint Medical which is unlikely since he's already violated the court order in that area. But even if the judge agreed that we would both have to agree to the donation. If we can't agree the judge won't order it that's how that works.

OMG! We get it! Here's what you don't get, change of custody (because kids want to live with dad) is one thing. A child giving away a vital organ at ten years old...COMPLETELY different. Jeez!
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN