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I am not letting my DD donate a kidney to her half sister

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post
I have primary custody as well as sole medical, educational and religious decision making power for my ten year old DD. My ex has a DD with his girlfriend who is now 4 and needs a kidney transplant. Without my knowledge or consent, he took DD to be tested to see if she is a match. That alone violated the court order as he is only allowed to seek emergency medical services for her. As it happens she is a match. Last week, when my ex dropped her off after his visit, he told me he had her tested and she is and he thinks she should get to make that choice herself. Of course this was only after telling her she is a match and making her feel she has to. I talked to her about it and after realizing that he and his girlfriend have put it in her head that she doesn't have a choice there is no way I will even consider letting her do it. She said she was scared but felt like she had no choice. I told her that her half sister can get on a list and get one from someone who has already passed away and doesn't need their kidnies. I also explained that because she is so young there is a real risk that one kidney is not going to last her the rest of her life. Then i put it on myself and told her she has no reason to feel guilty because its not her choice anyway, its mine and I am saying no. She understands at least as well as she can and I told my ex that if he ever brings up donating again or in any way tries to make her feel guilty I will take him to court for violating the court order by having her tested. He said that he can't believe I am being "like this" and as her sister DD should donate. I have a feeling court will be in the near future. Seriously though, what kind of person puts pressure on one child to donate to another?
Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 2, 2014 at 12:56 PM
Replies (621-630):
by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 9:43 PM
Ten is waaaayyy too young, anyway! There are risks, it could have lifelong consequences etc.
by Anonymous 125 on Feb. 3, 2014 at 9:44 PM
1 mom liked this
My at the time 13 yr old dd donated bone marrow to her sister or shed be gone now. I see your dilemma but feel bad for the 4 yr old.
by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 9:50 PM
Quoting firespurity: I'd donate to my siblings in a heart beat. Ten year olds can be naive, but they have real feelings and decision making skills. I'd take her to a therapist to discuss it. Then let her decide with the therapist what was best. That way you aren't protecting her from a choice she truly wants to make, but ex isn't guilt tripping her into it.

Living donors live normal lives.

You are an adult. OP's daughter should NOT be undergoing potentially fatal surgery other than to save her OWN life. She cannot possibly fully comprehend the ramifications.

Living donors (which should be legal adults of sound mind) can die during or after surgery. All surgeries carry the risk of death.
by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:14 PM

 Well I am with you .  She is your daughter and he has no business trying to guilt her. I do understand. He is desperate and torn. My heart goes out to him. Still you owe nobody. Your daughter needsher kidneys and she needs you to  protect her best interest. I would talk to a lawyer. Many give a free consultation. Be warned some may act like Jerks but in this case your main concern should be your daughter.

by Bronze Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:23 PM
1 mom liked this

I feel for both of you i would hate to be in that situation. I woould be really pissed at her father for not talking to you and going behind your back. It sounds like he is desperate, so i wouldnt hold it against him and be to hard on him. If it was the other way around and your daughter needing the kidney what would you do? Think about the extreme lengths you would go to, to save your daughter if her life was in jeopardy. I would rather chop my arm off than see my kids in pain

nothing worse than watch your child in pain and nothing you can do about it!


possibly save half sister life

give them a stronger bond becuase of the love and kindness

give your daughter and her father and fathers wife/girlfriend a stronger bond becuase she saved there baby


endangers your daughters life

resent you for not allowing her to do it, if half sister dies she could blame it on you

something could happen to her 1 kidney and she will need a kidney

half sisters body could reject the kidney and it was all for nothing

your daughter could resent herself if half sisters body rejects kidney

by Anonymous 126 on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:33 PM
Quoting Anonymous: That little girl is her sister. Her FAMILY. I highly doubt you would be so dead set against it if she were YOUR daughter, and not your ex's daughter.

If that child dies, your daughter will never forgive you.

Maybe not! I do not consider my much-younger half sister to be my family. I had a friend with an older half sister who felt the same way.

I'd rather my kid live with all of their kidneys and be pissed at me for protecting them from maipulative people when they were 10. Better than having them sliced and diced at only 10!
by Bronze Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:39 PM
1 mom liked this

I am a dialysis patient. I'm 70 yrs old. My kids want to try to donate a kidney to me but I told them no. I have my reasons. Please don't let them brow beat your  daughter in to donating a kidney to her half sister. In my opinion, I think she is too young. If she was older and really understood everything about it, that would be different. Stand your ground.

by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:41 PM

No, no, no absoloutely not.

DD1 is giving DS her stem cells. That's a needle in the back, They will grow back. If he needed a kidney? No way in hell would I allow her, or anyone else under the age of, say, 16 give him one. Sure, you need to do your best by your child but that doesn't mean that other kids are yours to harvest. You only get two kidneys in life, they don't grow back.

Shame on him.

by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:43 PM
1 mom liked this

BIG, BIG difference between bone marrow and a kidney.

DD1 has donated blood, bone marrow and ,on the 21st, stem cells to DS3. I would still never allow her to donate a kidney. To intrusive and risky for a 13 year old, and definitely to risky for a 10 year old!

Quoting Anonymous: My at the time 13 yr old dd donated bone marrow to her sister or shed be gone now. I see your dilemma but feel bad for the 4 yr old.

by Platinum Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:55 PM

I agree OP.. with what you're doing. I wouldn't want a 10 year old undergoing a life threatening (with the risk of death it is) operation if she didn't want to. I wouldn't force her to do it either.

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