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I guess I'm less of a mom because I didn't marry my children's father.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 17 Replies

I want to say first, I love both my stepdaughter and her sister. Her sister is much like a stepdaughter to me too, just not "technically" (she has a different dad). 

Here's a little back story on things:

My SO has only married once. He was 19, and he married his girlfriend of 6 months. A couple weeks later, they found out they were expecting (SD). This was 18 years ago. 

They stayed married for 1.5 years, then divorced. Right after the divorce was finalized BM (exwife) was engaged to remarry and she was pregnant with the sister (the daughter who I consider SD, but really isn't). 

Her second marriage lasted a few months. Sometime after second SD was born, BM and SO got back together for a few months, and in that time second SD2 started calling SO daddy and no one corrected her. Her real dad stayed out of the picture. 

SO and BM broke up, and continued sharing both kids. He had weekend visitation rights with SD1, but took in both girls whenever BM wanted. 


Well, me and SO got together a couple years later, and we've been together ever since... I am now pregnant with our 4th child together. 

Well, it's almost every time both girls come over (which for the last 6 years or so, has mainly only been SD1 because BM didn't want SD2 to look at SO as her "dad" anymore) they have to bring up how BM and SO were married and SO did this for BM and they did that and just stuff that I am really getting tired of hearing over and over again (it's all just stories they were told by BM, I think she would tell them these stories knowing they'd come over talking about it to me, trying to make me jealous or something).

Last night, we were all sitting in the living room, and SD2 says "I wasn't even supposed to be born, mom told me I was a complete accident". So trying to make her feel better,  I said "well to be honest, most children that are born, weren't planned either". I said most parents don't really "try" to have a baby when they get pregnant. Sometimes shit happens. 

Well, she then says "well Sis wasn't an accident, C and mom planned to have her". And i just got this smirk on my face, trying so hard not to laugh at that comment. 

So yea, BM really tells SD2 that she's an accident but SD wasn't. I couldn't contain myself much longer, so I finally said "well, I'm sure she was planned, bc you know how those 19 year old boys are, just eager to start a family and settle down!" (I mainly said it to make SD2 feel better and give her a small idea of the reality of their relationship, since BM likes to make it out that they had some great relationship and SD2's dad was just a horrible POS).

And SD2 said, well they were married, so they must have been ready. And then that's when SO chimes in "I got married because I was tricked". I just looked at him like "no you didn't just say that". 

He wasn't "tricked" into marrying BM, he married her because he felt bad. They split up right before he "proposed", they'd only been dating a few months. And she got in a bad car accident, and to make up to her, he brought her in a ring (when he saw her in the hospital), and RIGHT after that, her parents started planning their wedding. They were married a couple months later. Also, he thought she was coming into a lot of money from a settlement from the accident (which I do think was STUPID of him, but he was also only 19, and he was an IDIOT back then). 

I got this same story from both BM and SO, so I know it's not him just talking. 

The whole time they were married, he was out being immature and stupid. He was hardly home with her. He was only a "father" when it was convenient for him. It wasn't until after they divorced when he decided to settle down and be a dad. 

He's been an excellent father the whole time we've been together too. He's home with me every single night, and he works hard for us. I think he's awesome with all of our kids, even SD2. 

But anyway, a part of me feels bad that he said that about his marriage with their mom (to the girls), but in a way, it makes me feel better that he cleared the story up a little to them. All these years, they have always made comments about how they won't have babies until they are married, and mom did things the "right" way... and blah blah blah. Always putting me down for not getting married... (maybe not intentionally)

You have no idea how BADLY I just want to look at them and tell them that getting married to someone you have barely dated doesn't mean you are doing things "right". I have gone all these years without being married, and I am still with my children's father, and we are content with things. 

Sure we've had ups and downs, but we don't need a piece of paper to prove ourselves to anyone. 

BM has been married and divorced 3 times, and she rushes into almost every single relationship she has a with a man. Those two girls have lived with at least 10 of BM's boyfriend's before. She's been engaged several times too. So clearly, she doesn't exactly do things "right" either!

I'm sorry this is so long, I really need to vent before I explode!!




Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:24 AM
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Replies (1-10):
luckysevenwow
by Emerald Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:28 AM
As they get older they will figure things out on their own. No need to address it, unless a topic is brought where you can fix some of their information.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:29 AM

I keep telling myself that. There are days where it really gets to me... I try not to let it though!

Quoting luckysevenwow: As they get older they will figure things out on their own. No need to address it, unless a topic is brought where you can fix some of their information.


Mazie0723
by Ruby Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:30 AM
1 mom liked this
I didn't marry my daughters bio dad and I am very thankful I didn't. I met my husband when she was 3 he is the only dad she has ever known. But she started calling him dad on her. own. Maybe bio mom is jealous you two can stay together and make it work without marriage.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:31 AM

YOU WHORE! 

 

Kidding but too long so I didn't read it...

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:35 AM

maybe that's what it is! 

Quoting Mazie0723: I didn't marry my daughters bio dad and I am very thankful I didn't. I met my husband when she was 3 he is the only dad she has ever known. But she started calling him dad on her. own. Maybe bio mom is jealous you two can stay together and make it work without marriage.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:36 AM

lol! 

It's okay, I don't expect many to read it! 

Quoting Anonymous:

YOU WHORE! 


Kidding but too long so I didn't read it...


Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:46 AM
I would correct them. They need to understand that having an opinion is their right but they can't go around putting people down because they didn't agree with how they were doing things. Do they understand that you can make a commitment to someone without getting married?

I have two kids, been with their dad six years and we are not married. I don't plan on being married at any point, but it's important to him so I may agree eventually.
kgbm13
by Bronze Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:49 AM

you gave great advice to her.  we would many times like to bash the other parent or adults in the kids lives for telling kids things like you were an accident and your sister wasnt and more.  but as adults some of us stop and think about how its best to get the information to the kids without it being your mom or dad did this and make it be a good parent over bad parent thing.  I'd love to do that to my step kids grandma, aunt and sometimes their mother.

as for marriage your right marriage isn't the commitment you already have that without the paper and goverment telling you.  I was married once and that didn't stop the things that happened, i don't see myself getting married again.  SO and i are content in it because we have the commitment and yes we have the same ups and downs that happen in marriages.  

as the kids grow they will ask questions and let them know its ok to come to you and you will be as honest as you can be with them and if you don't know the answer then have dad in on it.  but these kids see that your relationship is strong without paper.  maybe they don't even know or realize your not married and assume you are.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 4 on Feb. 5, 2014 at 10:56 AM
I didn't marry my son's father and I'm so happy I never did. It was that much easier to leave.
N_maricle
by Platinum Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 12:38 PM

I agree. Some people get married and divorced so often it's just stupid. Others never get married and are completely happy and committed. IMO having a child together is the biggest commitment someone can make. Lots of people get divorced and never see each other again. A child means you are committed to coparent together for the rest of the child's life. Even when the child grows up, you still see each other on holidays, events for the grandchildren, etc.

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