He wants me to have sex with him ***edit. *** Update
I'm taking DD to Houston Saturday to do a the samples for a DNA test. We will spend the day with Aaron (the man I'm fairly sure is her father) and staying in a hotel that night by ourselves and driving home in the morning.
Aaron and I were chatting back and forth via text and he wants to sleep with me again. I want to but I really don't think it's a good idea. I'm already worked up and nervous about the test, but I really don't trust myself around him.
Edit: Yes physically I want to. He is the last person I slept with and that was October 2012. I would be foolish not to face that fact. That'd just be lying to myself. But since then I've been hearing nothing but how badly I messed up, how worthless I am, how I deserve to die and leave my kids with their fathers so they have half a chance, and worse from my church, my ex, my family and pretty much anyone who found out. I'm questioning myself on a lot of levels and have no support. I've not had any kindness or support since everything happened. It was wrong but I wanted to feel wanted just for a little while and part of me still wants that. So I am posting this here, under anon, so no one IRL knows that I'm struggling. I'm working on it, I thought I was doing okay but after that conversation I'm feeling very insecure and vulnerable.
UPDATE: Ever since he got the hint that I have no intention of sleeping with him he's avoiding me. I texted him once and called twice over the last few days. My phone doesn't always work right so I wasn't sure whether the text went through or not, and I called the second time a couple of days later. All I want is seriously not even an hour of his time. I want answers, for DD and for myself, to be able to forgive myself, and move forward.
I'm trying to be nice here, keep it out of court and all that, I frankly don't CARE what he does or does not do with the information. hell if he doesn't want the results I don't have to tell him. I just want to be able to have the answers and move on, which he agreed to.
Fuck both him and the other guy. I'll drag them into court and let the fucking court handle it. We'll see what they think then, because at this point I'll enjoy watching this hurt them as much as it has me. I get it, I screwed up but at least I can take responsibility for it.